Never Say Never

Angelina knows she will never get married because of her depression. What guy could possibly love someone that is a paraplegic after a suicide attempt and still has depression? Then, she meets Keith.

Chapter 1

 

            My sister Sandy and I were preparing dinner when she asked the question that would change my life forever. I just did not know it then.

            “My friend, Kali, knows this guy who is looking for a girl and she wondered if you would be interested in going on a blind date?” Sandy asked.

            “You have got to be kidding!” I said with a laugh.

            “Come on, Angelina. You never go on dates. You are going to end up old and alone.”

            “Look at me,” I said as I gestured to my appearance. “Do you really think any guy is interested in this?”

            I wheeled myself over to the counter and started furiously chopping ingredients for the salad.

            “You have never given a guy a chance. Let him get to know the real you.”

            “Yeah, well, the real me is scarier than the person they think they know.”

            “Come on, Angelina. Just give the guy a chance.”

            “And why should I do that? Even if I do not scare him away, he will only continue seeing me because he feels sorry for me. Then, one day, he will ask the big question. He will want to know what happened to me. That will surely scare him away. If it does not, then he will leave when he finds out that I have problems.”

            “When are you going to put your past behind you? Your problems are not your fault. And Jesus has forgiven you for all the mistakes you have made.”

            “It is not so easy when I have to live with my mistakes,” I said seriously.

            A couple years ago, when I was a senior in high school, I was very depressed. One day, I decided I was done with life. I drove my car into a ravine, hoping to kill myself. Imagine my surprise when I woke up in the hospital and learned that I was going to be in a wheelchair for the rest of my life.

            My parents wanted nothing to do with me after that. I ended up moving in with Sandy, who is a few years older than me. My parents disowned her too because of that.

            I did manage to get help for my depression (from therapists and medication) so now I am able to live a pretty normal life (with a wheelchair). I have even managed to go to college and am now a Christian writer.

            “Come on, Angelina,” Sandy begged. “Just this once.”

            “Fine, I will go. But I am not going to marry the guy. I will be a bachelorette for the rest of my life.”

            “As long as you promise to date every once in awhile. And as much as I love you, I do not want you living with me for the rest of your life.”

            I laughed. “Now that is something I am not going to promise. Besides, you have no room to talk. You are not married or in a relationship.”

            “I at least see people from time to time. Someday, I would like to get married. Where will you go then?”

            “I am capable of taking care of myself. But we do not need to think about that right now because you are not even engaged.”

            “Your date will be tomorrow afternoon at the coffee shop,” Sandy said.

            “Fine, but I am going early so that I can hide the fact that I am in a wheelchair. I do not want him to run out on me. I will have just the one date with him and that will be it.”

            “Whatever, Angelina.”

 

Chapter 2

 

            I started preparing for my date early the next morning.

            “I think it is a little warm for that sweater,” Sandy said when she saw what I was wearing. “How about that purple top you just bought?”

            “Why, so I can reveal to this guy that I am a cutter?”

            “You are not a cutter anymore, Angelina.”

            “Yeah, but I still have the scars to prove that I had a very rough past.”         

            “How honest do you plan on being with this guy?”

            “We both know it is never going to work out,” I said as I grabbed a jacket and my purse.

            “Are you seriously leaving right now? Your date is not for another hour.”

            “I want to get there early so I can get the corner table. I will put my wheelchair in the corner and then put my jacket over the back so that he will never know.”

            Sandy shook her head. I knew she disapproved of what I was doing but she did not understand all the problems I had.

            I wheeled myself the couple blocks to the coffee shop.

            “What can I get you, Angelina?” Fiona asked when she saw me.

            “Actually, I am meeting someone here in a little while. I will wait and get something once he gets here.”

            I parked my chair at the corner table, draped the coat over the back, and then pulled out my notebook to do some writing while I waited.

            I was so into my writing that I was startled when someone approached my table.

            “Excuse me,” the handsome gentleman said. “Are you Angelina?”

            “I am,” I said breathlessly.

            “I am Keith Wilson,” he said as he held out his hand.

            “It is very nice to meet you.”

            Keith took a seat and Fiona brought over two drinks.

            “So, Angelina, what is it you do,” he said after she left.

            “I am a Christian writer,” I said.

            “That is so cool. What have you written?”

            “I am an anonymous writer so I would rather not say,” I said. Actually, a majority of my writing focused on mental illness and God. I did not want Keith to figure out that what I wrote was something very real to me.

            “Have you read any books by Shawna Davis?” Keith asked. “I usually recommend her books to my patients.”

            My cheeks flushed in embarrassment. I was Shawna Davis.

            “What is it you do?” I asked quickly.

            “I am a psychologist,” he replied.

            This date was not off to a good start. Already in the first few minutes, he had already mentioned my books and we were sure to get to the topic of mental illness since he was a psychologist.

            I quickly decided to change the subject to his personal interests, which led to a very interesting conversation about him playing guitar.

            “I really must get going,” Keith said as he looked at his watch.

            I looked at my phone and saw that an hour had already passed. Surprisingly, I had really enjoyed this date once we got off the subject of me.

            “Can I see you again, Angelina?”

            “I would like that,” I said honestly. I was hoping that we could end the conversation here and that he would leave so that he would not notice me leaving the coffee shop with my wheelchair.

            “Do you like ice skating?” he asked.

            I almost burst into laughter. “I am not really that coordinated,” I said.

            “How about we go to the lake tomorrow?”

            “That sounds fun.”

            “Here, let’s exchange phone numbers so that I can call you.”

            We each handed over our phones.

            “Can I walk you out to your car?” Keith asked.

            This is where I should have lied. But I knew that Keith was not going to leave without me. And he was going to find out about my wheelchair when we went to the lake. I might as well let him know now. No sense dragging out a relationship that is never going to last.

            I pulled away from the table and watched as Keith’s eyes grew.

            I only live a few blocks away,” I said before heading home.

 

Chapter 3

 

            “So how was your date?” Sandy asked when I got home.

            “Wonderful,” I said sarcastically.

            “Uh, oh, please tell me everything.”

            I told Sandy about Keith recommending my books to his patients and him being a psychologist. Then, I told her about him asking me on another date and then finding out I was in a wheelchair.

            “So what did he do when he found out about the chair?”

            “He did nothing. I just got out of there really quickly.”

            “I do not think you need to worry, Angelina. I think you like Keith and he likes you.”

            “I doubt he will want to go to the lake tomorrow. And even if he does not mind the chair, he will find out that I have depression because he is a psychologist.”

            “I do not understand why you are so worried about this. You said you never were getting married. What is wrong with a few dates?”

            I was going to say something to Sandy but my phone started ringing.

            “Oh, no, it is him!” I exclaimed.

            “Answer it,” Sandy ordered.

            “But what if he is going to end the relationship?”

            Sandy threw her hands up in the air in frustration and then left the room.

            “Hello?” I said as I answered my phone.

            “Look, Angelina,” Keith said seriously, “you left the coffee shop so quickly that I never had a chance to tell you some things. Please hear me out.”

            “Your eyes told me everything,” I said. “I do not need you to tell me that you think you are making a mistake with me.”

            “Please listen to me,” he begged.

            I was silent as I waited for him to say everything I already knew.

            “Look, you should not have tried to hide your wheelchair from me. Being unable to walk is not your fault.”

            I rolled my eyes because it was my fault but I let him continue.

            “I was surprised by the wheelchair but it is nothing to be embarrassed about. I still really like you.”

            “Would you seriously have come up to me if you had known about the wheelchair?” I asked doubtfully.

            “I care about your heart, not your legs, Angelina. And I still want to take you to the lake tomorrow evening.”

            “Fine, I will see you then,” I said before hanging up.

            “Any new developments?” Sandy asked curiously as she came back into the room.

            “I guess we are going out tomorrow.”

            “See, I told you that he does not care about the wheelchair. You should seriously consider telling me about your depression.”

            “I am not telling him that I once attempted suicide. I doubt he will understand that.”

           

Chapter 4

 

            “That is what you are wearing to the lake?” Sandy asked as she got a good look at my long sleeve top.

            “You know why I am wearing this. Would you please stop criticizing my behavior? I know what I am doing.”

            The doorbell rang and I went to answer the door.

            “Ready to go, Angelina?” Keith asked.

            “Of course,” I said with a smile. Keith looked adorable in his khaki shorts and blue shirt.

            I followed him out to his car where he helped me in and then he drove the short distance to the lake.

            “Where would you like to eat?” he asked when we arrived. “We can eat at the picnic tables under the shelter so that it will be easier for you to move around or we can eat at one of the tables in the grassy area by the lake.”

            “Actually, if you have a blanket or a table cloth, I would prefer to eat on the grass close to the lake.”

            Keith seemed surprised at my suggestion but he grabbed the picnic basket and headed towards the shore.

            Once he spread out the table cloth on the ground, he helped me out of the chair and onto the ground. Then, we both spread out the food.

            “Would you like to pray or should I?” he asked.

            “You go ahead.” I wanted to hear how he prayed.

            “Dear Lord, I thank You for the delicious food You have given us. I also thank You for Angelina and the beautiful evening we have to spend together. Amen.”

            “Amen,” I repeated. 

            Keith handed me a plate which I filled with a sandwich, chips, and coleslaw.

            “How long have you been a Christian?” I asked while we were both eating.

            “I became a Christian when I was in college. A friend invited me to church and I enjoyed it so much that I continued going every Sunday and eventually, I decided I was ready for a relationship with Jesus. What about you?”

            “I was a senior in high school,” I said. It was right after my accident when I realized that I could very well be spending my future in a place far worse than Earth.

            “Anything special?” Keith asked when he realized that I was not saying anything more.

            “Not really,” I lied.

            “Since you asked me a personal question, can I ask you one?”

            I knew what he wanted to ask. Everyone always asks me.

            “You want to know why I am in a wheelchair,” I said.

            “You do not have to answer that question if you do not want to. I am just really curious.”

            “It was a car accident,” I said. “But that is all I am saying.” Hopefully that would satisfy his curiosity as long as we continued seeing each other.

            “Aren’t you warm in that shirt?” he asked. “I am honestly thinking that a dip in the lake would feel really nice.”

            “I just like long sleeve shirts,” I lied. I was feeling kind of warm and was hoping that it was not showing on my face.

            Keith started talking about one summer swimming at camp when he was a kid and I eagerly listened to his story. I was relieved that the conversation was no longer centered on me. At the same time though, I knew it would be difficult for us to continue seeing each other if I kept all my secrets. Already on our second date things were coming out.

            “Dear Lord,” I prayed silently, “I really like Keith but I know that it will never work out. I pray that the relationship will fall apart before either of us gets too attached. Amen.”

 

Chapter 5

 

            A few days later, Keith and I had plans to go to dinner at a pasta place. I told him I would meet him there. I needed to pick up my antidepressant prescription beforehand.

            As soon as I got my medication, I put the bottle in my purse and then went to the restaurant. Keith was already there.

            “You look pretty,” he said as he took in my purple dress and jacket.

            “Thank you. You look good yourself.”

            I opened my menu and started reading through all the choices.

            Suddenly, I felt a sneeze coming on. I did not want to sneeze into the cloth napkin covering the silverware so I sneezed into my arm. After that, I opened my purse to look for a tissue.

            As I was searching, my prescription fell on the floor.

            “You dropped something,” Keith said as he looked down at the floor.

            “I can get it,” I said even though there was no way I could reach the bottle from my wheelchair when it was next to Keith.

            My cheeks flushed as Keith handed me the pills. I knew he would recognize the name. And there was no way I could deny that the pills were mine because my name was on the bottle.

            “I recommend the shrimp pasta,” Keith said. I knew he could tell that I was embarrassed and was trying to ease the tension.

            “Then that is what I will get,” I said.

            Keith tried again to relive my embarrassment by asking me about my career as a writer but it was no use, I just could not forget about what happened.

            When I got home that night, I cried myself to sleep. I hated how much my depression interfered with my life.

            “Lord, please end this relationship. I am already starting to fall for Keith but we both know that this will never work out. Amen.”

 

Chapter 6

 

            Every other week, I go to Faith Counseling Center to talk to Dr. Sanchez, my psychologist.

            As I was sitting in the waiting room, I was working on my new novel in the notebook I always carry with me.

            “Angelina,” a voice said, interrupting me from my writing.

            I looked up, expecting it to be time to go see Dr. Sanchez. Instead, I saw Keith.

            “What are you doing here?” I asked accusingly.

            “I am a psychologist, remember? I work here.”

            Of course I knew he was a psychologist. But I had no idea he worked here otherwise I would have found another doctor.

            “What are you doing here?” Keith asked.

            “I am waiting for a friend,” I lied, even though I knew Keith would see right through my lie. He saw my antidepressant. Plus, he could probably look up my patient information.

            Thankfully, Keith walked away before my name was called.

            I guess this was going to be the end of our relationship. Keith would not want to be with a liar. I know I should be relieved, but I actually would really miss him.

            “So what is going on, Angelina?” Dr. Sanchez asked after I entered his office. “You look like you have something on your mind.”

            “You know Keith?” I asked.

            “You mean Dr. Wilson?”

            “Yes.”

            “What about him?”

            “Well, we went on a blind date. I thought he would be done with me once he realized I was in a wheelchair. Instead, he told me that there was no reason to be embarrassed because the wheelchair was not my fault.

            “Then, on another date, my antidepressant fell out of my purse and Keith saw it. He did not say anything though. But then just now, he saw me in the waiting room and I told him I was with a friend. He has to know I am lying since he knows I take an antidepressant.”

            “Why not tell him the truth? I think he deserves to know the girl he is dating. And the Keith I know will be very accepting of the truth.”

            “I am pretty sure he would run away if he got to know the real me. Surprisingly, he was able to accept the wheelchair. I do not think he will be accepting of my depression and past.”

            “Dr. Wilson is a psychologist. He understands depression.”

            “That does not mean that he will love a person with depression. I keep praying, asking God to end the relationship before we get too attached but I think it is too late.”

            “Why not give this relationship a chance? I think you have certain expectations for the whole world but Keith is not meeting those expectations.”

            “Maybe,” I said doubtfully.

            “Shall we pray?” Dr. Sanchez suggested.

            “Sure.”

            “Lord, I pray for Angelina and her relationship with Keith. Her depression and past are really interfering. I pray that You will help her make the right decisions for the relationship. Amen.”

            “Amen,” I repeated.

 

Chapter 7

 

            I was not surprised when Sandy and I were making dinner and the doorbell rang. I knew it would be Keith.

            Sure enough, when I opened the door, there was Keith, still in his suit and tie.

            “I think we need to talk,” he said seriously.

            “Let’s go out to the garden,” I said. I went outside through the front door and Keith followed me along the path to the back of the house.

            “Lord,” I silently prayed, “I really do not want to lose Keith even though I know it is for the best. Please help me through this. Amen.”

            Keith sat down at the picnic table and I waited for him to begin.

            “I know you are taking an antidepressant,” he finally said. “Remember that night when the bottle fell out of your purse? When I picked it up, I recognized the name on it.”

            “How come you did not say anything?” I asked curiously.

            “It was really none of my business. Besides, we had not been dating very long so I realized that we still had a lot that we did not know about each other. That was ok with me because our relationship was so young.

            “But then today, when I saw you at FCC, I knew you were lying to me when you said you were there with a friend. That really hurt me.” Keith stopped talking and I knew he was waiting for me to say something.

            “I am sorry for lying,” I finally said.

            “I realize that our relationship is still pretty young, but we cannot continue keeping secrets. They are eventually going to come out. We definitely cannot build a relationship on lies.”

            “I am sorry for lying. I just did not think you would understand.” Tears were starting to come to my eyes. I could not believe how close I was to crying. This was what I wanted, right? Maybe Keith meant way more than I even realized.

            “Why would you think I would not understand? I am a psychologist after all.”

            “I just have trouble understanding why you want me. I am broken. I am paralyzed and depressed.”

            “But you know that those things are not your fault. You could not help the car accident. I am sure you did not choose to let it paralyze you. And you did not choose to have a messed-up brain, causing your depression.”

            “I guess,” I said. I was not going to bother telling him I had purposely caused the accident. He was just going to break up with me anyway.

            “I have been praying to God all afternoon, Angelina, asking Him what I should do about our relationship. God told me not to let you go. But you have got to promise not to lie again.”

            “What?” I exclaimed. That was not what I was expecting.

            “Does that work for you?” he asked.

            “Sure,” I said quickly. As long as I never had to tell him I had tried to commit suicide, I was good.

            “I need to get going. Why don’t we go out tomorrow night?”

            “Sounds good,” I replied.

            As I headed back inside, I prayed again.

            “Lord, I am never getting married, so I do not understand why You are keeping Keith in my life. This relationship is just getting more complicated. It would be better for both of us if we were no longer together. Amen.”

            “Is everything all right, Angelina?” Sandy asked when I went back inside.

            “Just fine,” I said as I burst into tears and went into my room.

 

Chapter 8

 

            Sandy came into my room awhile later.

            “Is everything all right?” she asked.

            “God will just not listen to my prayers,” I said.

            “God listens to all prayers. Sometimes, He just does not give you the answer you want. What have you been praying for?”

            “I want Keith to break up with me.”

            “Seriously?” Sandy asked in surprise. “You mean he did not just break up with you? I thought that was why you were crying. Maybe you should tell me what is going on from the beginning. I am so confused.”

            I told Sandy about Keith seeing my antidepressant and then seeing him at FCC and the conversation we just had.

            “Why do you want to end the relationship?” Sandy asked. “I can tell that you like Keith.”

            “I do. I want the relationship to end before it becomes too serious.”

            “Why not give Keith a chance?”

            “Keith wants honesty. I cannot tell him that I once attempted suicide.”

            “He is a psychologist, Angelina!” Sandy sounded exasperated. “Keith probably understands what you are going through better than anyone else, including yourself.”

            I thought about what Sandy had just said. She had a point. There were not a lot of people that could understand my past and present. I was dating one of the few guys that could.

            “But what if we get married and I start feeling really depressed? Keith might decide to give up on me and then I will just end up even more depressed.”

            “Is that your only argument?” Sandy asked with a laugh.

            “No. I still do not think Keith will be very accepting of my suicide attempt. Christians are not supposed to commit suicide. They are supposed to trust God.”

            “You were not a Christian when you attempted suicide. God does not hold your past against you. Keith should not either.”

            “I still do not like where this relationship is going.”

            “If it bothers you so much, why not break up with him yourself?”

            Sandy had just made another good point. I sat up on my bed and transferred myself to my wheelchair.

            “What are you doing?” Sandy asked.

            “I am going to the church. I have a lot to think and pray about.”

 

Chapter 9

 

            The church is open all the time for people who need to come in and pray or just spend time with God. The church of course was deserted that late at night but it was better for me.

            I wheeled myself to the front of the church so that I would feel closer to God.

            “Lord,” I cried out loudly, “I do not know what You have planned for me but I do not like it. Don’t you think my life is complicated enough without adding a relationship? Lord, it took me quite awhile to realize that depression and paralysis were a part of my life and that I should just get used to it. I had my life figured out. I was going to be a Christian author that focused on mental illness. No where in my life was there supposed to be Keith. Why will you not listen to me and take him out of my life?”

            I went quiet and let the tears fall.

            “Angelina?” a voice said behind me.

            I turned my head and saw Pastor Edward behind me.

            “Is everything all right, Angelina?” Pastor Edward asked gently.

            “Life is wonderful,” I said bitterly.

            Pastor Edward knows about my troubled past. He actually counseled me right after I found out that I had depression. I was not a Christian then and did not go to church but my parents thought he would work. But eventually Pastor Edward realized that I needed more help than he could give me.

            “Do you want to talk about it?” he asked.

            “God brought a guy into my life but now He will not take him out,” I said.

            “And why is that a problem? Do you not like the guy?”

            “Actually, I do. But I know that marriage will never work out. Keith has managed to accept my wheelchair and depression, but I do not think he will be accepting of my past.”

            “Why not give him a chance? You like the guy. And God clearly brought him into your life for a reason.”

            “Would you manage to love a girl as broken as me?”

            “Angelina, I think you are looking too closely at your flaws. We are all broken, but God is able to put us back together. Our pasts make us stronger and we are able to learn from our pasts to make our futures better. And that is how this guy as well as the rest of us look at you.”

            I really was broken again. I was broken physically and mentally in the past. Now, I was broken emotionally. I told all this to Pastor Edward.     

            “I would not say that you are broken, exactly,” Pastor Edward said. “I would say that you are confused. You have never felt this way before and you are scared about how this might turn out.”

            “How do you fix someone who is emotionally confused?”

            “You know that Jesus is the best kind of medicine. You need to pray and ask God to help you with these feelings. Also, ask Him to reveal His plans for you. God knows where this relationship is going. And even if it does not work out, He still brought this guy into your life for a reason.”

            “Thanks, Pastor Edward. Talking to you always makes me feel better.”

            “That is because I get my answers from God. I will be praying for you, Angelina.”

 

Chapter 10

 

            It turns out that Keith and I actually go to the same church but we just did not know it because I went to first service and he went to second.

            We were going to the first service today because afterwards, we were going to the park.

            “You look really nice,” Keith said when he arrived at the house and saw the black skirt and green long sleeved top I was wearing.

            “You always say that,” I said with a smile.

            “And I always mean it. You dress conservatively, which I also like. People do not take a Christian like approach to their appearance nowadays.”

            “I agree,” I said as we got into his car and left. “Today’s society shows too much skin.”

            “Good morning, Keith. Good morning, Angelina,” one of the ushers said as we arrived and were handed bulletins.

            “Good morning,” we answered.

            We went into the church. Keith took an aisle seat and I parked my chair in the aisle.

            “Good morning,” Pastor Edward said to us. I saw his eyes open in surprise when he realized I was sitting next to Keith.

            “Angelina, is Keith part of your life now?” Pastor Edward asked.

            My cheeks flushed in embarrassment but I nodded. I guess Pastor Edward had not realized the night that I talked to him that the Keith I was seeing was a member of the church.

            “Congratulations, you two,” Pastor Edward said before he walked away.

            “How did Pastor Edward know we were seeing each other?” Keith asked.

            “I might have mentioned it the other night when I was here. But I did not say your last name so I guess he did not make the connection.”

            That explanation seemed good enough for Keith and I did not have to explain that Pastor Edward once offered me counseling.

            We had to stop talking because it was time for the service to begin.

            The worship band came forward and led us in a couple songs and then Pastor Edward came forward to speak.

            “I want to begin with a short music clip,” he said.

            Familiar music started flooding through the speakers.

            I’ve heard it said that people come into our lives for a reason, bringing something we must learn. And we are led to those who help us most to grow if we let them. And we help them in return. Well I don’t know if I believe that’s true. But I know I’m who I am today because I knew you. Like a comet pulled from orbit, as it passes a sun. Like a stream that meets a boulder, halfway through the woods. Who can say if I’ve been changed for the better? But, because I knew you, I have been changed for good.

            The music ended after the chorus.

            “This song is For Good from the hit musical Wicked,” the pastor explained. “It is sung by two friends before they separate.

            “I talked to a young woman last week about someone who was in her life. She had some mixed feelings about this person that were difficult for her to understand.”

            Suddenly, I knew who this young woman was! It was me! I was going to be the subject of Pastor Edward’s sermon. Hopefully, there would be no hints that would make it easy for Edward to figure out it was me.

            “I told this young woman before she left that God had brought this person into her life for a reason. I told her that there might be a good ending with this person, or there could be a negative ending. Either way, God has plans for her and that this person was a good thing for her, no matter how it ended.

            “Sometimes, we think we are not making an impact in our ordinary, boring lives. But think about all the people you come in contact with everyday. Think about the people you see at school, work, the gym, or the store. Do all these people know Jesus?

            “Many of you like to read books by the Christian author, Shawna Davis,” the pastor continued which caused by cheeks to flush in embarrassment. Did Pastor Edward not know anyone else to talk about? “Shawna Davis has a book out called Lasting Legacy. It is about a teenage girl that decides to write a book about her life. The teenage girl suffers from depression. She does become a Christian but then decides she is ready to be done with life. She writes the book before she dies though and then mails a copy to all the people who bullied her so that they will know how to find Jesus. One of the bullies decides to get the book published so that the whole world will know about Jesus.

            “Now, this book is fictional, but it goes without saying that you can have an impact on people without even realizing it. This teenage girl was just trying to reach her bullies and instead impacted all that read her book.

            “God knows the plans He has for you. You all know that verse from the Bible, but often, we doubt what God is doing. We think we know best. But you are where you are for a reason. God is just waiting for you to do His will where you are.

            “Lord,” he prayed, “I pray for all those in front of me as well as those not here today that doubt Your plans. You have given each of us a unique opportunity to serve You. I pray that You will help us make an impact for You right where we are. Amen.”

            The worship band came forward to lead us in more songs but I did not sing. I was still thinking about the sermon.

            I guess I had not made the connection of my book Lasting Legacy to my life right now. Maybe Keith was making some kind of impact on me and I was making an impact on him. Only God knew where our relationship would end up, but God had some lesson that He wanted us to learn from the other.

            “Dear Lord,” I prayed silently, “today I am actually thanking You for bringing Keith into my life. I know we will never get married because I cannot tell him about my past but I still like having him in my life. I pray that You will be a part of our relationship. Amen.”

           

Chapter 11

 

            Over the next few months, Keith and I went on countless dates to restaurants, movies, museums, and to the lake.

            Our relationship got stronger, but I still did not tell him about my suicide attempt. I decided that it would be something I would never talk about. And while God was telling me to tell him, I did not, even though it was making me feel guilty.

            On this particular evening, Keith and I were going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant.

            “Can I do your hair?” Sandy asked eagerly as she watched me get ready.

            “You want to do my hair for my date?” I asked incredulously. “It is just a date.”

            “But you are going to a fancy restaurant. You should have a fancy hair style for that fancy black dress you are wearing. It will make your evening even more special.”

            I was still wearing long sleeves all the time but I knew I would need to tell Keith what I was hiding eventually. He was going to see my cuts sometime.

            “Fine, you can do my hair,” I said. “But nothing too over the top. I do want to feel comfortable despite this dress.”

            Sandy chose to curl my hair slightly. I had to admit, it did look nice. She finished just as the doorbell rang.

            “You look nice,” Angelina,” Keith said when I opened the door. He handed me flowers and then kissed me quickly on the lips.

            Keith looked really nice too in his suit and tie.

            “Well, are you ready to go?” Keith asked.

            I grabbed my purse and then let Keith push me out to his car.

            “I really like how you did your hair,” Keith said on the way to the restaurant.

            “Thanks, but Sandy did it. For some reason, she thought I should do something special with my hair since we are going to a fancy restaurant.”

            We arrived and Keith helped me out of the car and into the restaurant.

            I could tell that Keith had told the restaurant I was in a wheelchair when he made the reservations because a chair was missing from the table. Normally, the waiter has to take away my chair.

            The waiter brought us water and some breadsticks and then took our order. Once he left, I eagerly dug in. I had been writing during lunch and really had not wanted to stop and take a break to eat.

            “It everything all right?” I asked Keith. He was just playing with his breadstick. He looked distracted.

            Keith wiped his hands on his napkin and then pulled something out of his pocket. As soon as I saw him get down on one knee, I knew what was happening.

            “Angelina, over the last few months, I have fallen for you deeply. I cannot image spending the rest of my life with anyone else. Would you marry me?”

            By then, everyone in the restaurant was staring at us. I knew the situation was about to get more embarrassing because I was finally going to listen to God and my sister and Pastor Edward.

            I rolled up the sleeves of my dress so that Keith could get a good look at the scars on my wrists. His eyes widened in shock when he realized what I had once done.

            “Keith,” I said, “when we went on our first date, I thought you would run away when you realized that I was in a wheelchair. Somehow, you have managed to look past that and my depression. But despite how close we have become over the last few months, I have still not been very honest with you.”

            “What do you mean, Angelina?” Keith asked. “What does this have to do with marrying me? You are not the first person to cut and you will not be the last.”

            “I told you I was paralyzed in a car accident,” I said. “What I did not tell you was that I caused the accident.

            Keith suddenly realized that everyone in the restaurant was staring so he pushed me outside so that we could talk privately.

            “Continue,” Keith said. I could not tell his mood based on how he said this.

            “I was very badly depressed and I purposely crashed my car. I was hoping to die but I did not. I eventually found Jesus because of it though.”

            “Wait a minute. This story sounds really familiar.”

            “I am Shawna Davis,” I admitted. “A Teenager’s Depression is all about me.”

            “Angelina, why are you telling me all this now?”

            “I was honestly hoping that our relationship would fall apart before things got too serious. That was not God’s plans though. God told me I should tell you the truth but I ignored Him. Tonight though, I felt led to tell you. You have been very accepting of my wheelchair and depression and you deserve to know the whole truth."

            “Is that all?” Keith asked. Again, I could not tell what he was thinking.

            “Yes,” I admitted. I knew our relationship was over. Instead of feeling relieved, I felt worse than I had ever felt before. Tears flooded my eyes. I just wanted to disappear.

            “Angelina, I still want to marry you,” Keith said as he got down on one knee.

            “Seriously?” I asked, instantly stopping my crying. “You seriously love someone that is broken like me?”

            “Of course I do. You are special.”

            “I said I would never get married.”

            “You should never say never. God has plans for you.”

            “You honestly do not care about my past?”

            “Not like the way you do, Angelina. God has forgiven your past. Now, it is time for you to forgive yourself and move on. “

            “And I will do it with you in my life.” I allowed him to put the ring on my finger.

            As we went back into the restaurant, I said a silent prayer.

            “Thanks, God!”

            He definitely had plans for me. Everything had worked out for the good!