My Life at the Circus

Isabel is an acrobat at a circus. She really likes her life until she gets depressed and starts cutting. Thankfully, some new friends come along to show her a need for God.

Chapter 1

 

            As soon as we pulled into the grassy lot located at the back on the amusement park, I jumped out of the RV.

            “Isabel,” my aunt called, “don’t run off yet. There is going to be a quick meeting.”

            I followed my aunt across the lot to where everyone else was gathering.

            “Welcome to Planet Fun,” a guy said a few minutes later. “I am Michael, CEO. I am so glad that you are here to perform. While you are here, feel free to explore the park when you have free time. And if there is anything I can do to make your stay more comfortable, just let me know.”

            I got ready to leave but Aunt Monica pulled me back.

            “Showers are located near the water park. I recommend you wait until closing hours to use them though because they are usually being used by swimmers during the day.

            “Is there anything else I can do for you? No, well then, I hope you enjoy your stay here.”

            “Are you going to be back for dinner?” Aunt Monica asked me before I could take off.

            “I don’t know yet.”

            “See you later then,” she said before I sprinted off.

            I went through the gate that led from the back lot where we would be staying into the amusement park. I could hear the sounds of whirling rides and people screaming and smell popcorn and funnel cakes. I was not interested in those things though. I was looking for a restroom. Once I finally located one not far from the roller coaster, I went inside and opened my bag. I pulled out my razor and band aids.

            I lifted up my shirt and took the razor to my skin several times. Once I was done, I covered the cuts with band aids and then left the restroom.

            I really wasn’t in the mood for exploring the park but I didn’t want to have to go back to camp and deal with Aunt Monica or any of the other performers.

            I decided I would ride the roller coaster. Maybe it would give me a rush and I would feel better.

            I got in the semi-long line behind a couple of girls who looked like they were having a good time at the park.

            “Are you riding this by yourself?” one of the girls asked me.

            “My friend is afraid of heights,” I lied. I didn’t want to admit that I didn’t have any friends.

            “Nice shirt,” the other one said to me.

            I looked down at what I was wearing. I was wearing a Plainsboro Circus staff t-shirt.

            “Thanks,” I said.

            “Do you work for the circus?”

            “No,” I lied again. “I have a relative that gave it to me for Christmas.”

            “I just thought you might since I know the circus will be coming here soon.” She pointed to the empty lot where already a crew was setting up the tent.

            I couldn’t talk to the girls anymore because it was our turn to get on the roller coaster.

            As we went up and down and upside down, I wished I could have been honest with the girls and be friends with them. Unfortunately, my life doesn’t allow friends.

 

Chapter 2

 

            When someone finds out that I’m a circus performer, they think I am the luckiest person on earth.

            “You get to travel all over,” one person said.

            “You are so talented,” another said.

            “You get to do things very few get to do,” I was told.

            I’ve grown up at the circus. My mom adopted me when I was a baby and took me to the traveling circus.

            My mom was a trapeze artist so when she was practicing, she would take me along and I would run around.

            At a young age, I learned how to juggle, clown, and perform with elephants. And I wasn’t very much older when I took up learning how to be a trapeze artist (my mom had no idea otherwise she never would have approved of it). By the time I was twelve, I was a part of the trapeze act at the circus.

            Even though it sounds like a great life, there are so many downfalls. I don’t have a permanent address because I’m always on the road. Everyone in the circus lives in RVs. We drive from place to place and live at campgrounds or back lots. There really is no exploring the United States because we don’t stop at all. And once we arrive at a circus, we don’t tour the area.

            Because I have never stayed in one place very long, I have no friends. I have never gone to school. Instead, I do online schooling during the school year. And the only person my age in the circus troupe is the guy who shoots out of the cannon that speaks very little English.

            The circus may seem like a fun life, but it loses a lot when you have been doing it for sixteen years. I really want out but I have nowhere to go. I live with my Aunt Monica now because my mom died a couple of years ago. But my aunt is part of the circus too.

            “Isabel,” my aunt called, “are you going to get up?”

            I rolled over on my tiny bed. The RV is not really devoted to much sleeping space because we spend a lot of our day here. Mostly the space is divided between a kitchen and living room.

            “Can’t I have a few more minutes?” I grumbled.

            “Practice begins in about thirty minutes.”

            The day before we begin performing at a new location, we always have a full rehearsal. We are expected to practice between shows on our own time but the day before our first show everyone is expected to come. That’s when we make sure we know where everything is and that everyone is on the same page if there are any changes to the program.

            I reluctantly got out of bed. I found my blue sparkly costume and went into the tiny bathroom to pull it on. The costume does not cover my legs, leaving me to easily get a grip on the bars.

            Once I had my costume on, I pulled my hair into a bun. I wasn’t going to bother with makeup for a rehearsal.

            My aunt had changed into her costume. We were ready to head to the big tent.

            Once everyone was settled on the bleachers, Paul, the ringmaster, addressed us.

            “Ok, a couple of changes. Since we are performing at an amusement park for the next couple weeks, we are going to shorten our acts. I think everyone should know what they are doing.”

            I had been told I needed a shorter routine a couple weeks ago. I liked my other routine more but I could go back to it once we went to the next location.

            “So today we are going to do a quick run through,” Paul said. “Tomorrow we will begin performing. We have shows at eleven, two, and five. Remember, you need to be ready to go an hour before each show.”

            We usually only do one to two shows a day so this was going to be exhausting.

            “Let’s get started,” Paul said.

            For rehearsals, we don’t have to leave the arena. We can stay and watch everyone. The circus kind of loses its magic though once you are a part of it.

            I watched anyway as first the elephants went, than the jugglers, the motorcycles, and then me.

            I went to the middle of the arena. Paul took my hand and helped me out of the stupid high heels I am forced to wear.

            I chalked my hands as the music started playing. I climbed the rope to get to the bar.

            The bar is my element. Once I am up here, I forget about everything except doing daring moves. In fact, I was sad when it was time to come down.

            After my performance, the human cannonball went and then the people who walk on the moving wheels.

            “Great job,” Paul said when we were all done. “Before we go, the manager wants a quick word.”

            Mr. Walker came forward. “It’s time for your annual checkups,” he said.

            Everyone groaned. We never know when we are going to arrive at a location and be surprised.

            “You will find your name and time on the sheet I have here. When it is your turn, please report to the tent at the back of the lot.”

            This wasn’t good. How was I going to hide my cuts?

 

Chapter 3

 

            I didn’t have much time to change out of my costume before it was my turn to go for my checkup.       

            As I approached the tent, I thought about just not showing up. But if I skipped, I would be in big trouble. Last year, someone fell asleep and missed their appointment. She almost got fired. Apparently in our job, good health is important.

            “Come in,” the doctor said when I knocked on the tent’s door.

            I reluctantly walked in and saw a young nurse filling out some papers in the corner.

            “Have a seat,” the doctor said as he gestured to a cot along the wall. “I’m Dr. Melek and this is Nurse Katherine. Are you Isabel?”

            “The one and only.”

            “And what do you do?” Dr. Melek asked as he looked at the medical file Plainsboro Circus keeps for us.

            “Trapeze artist.”

            “How long have you been doing that?”

            “I have been performing since I was twelve but I have been doing it for much longer.”

            “So, do you have any concerns or anything you want me to know before we begin?”
            I thought about the cuts on my stomach. There was always the chance that he wouldn’t see them. Or maybe if he did, I could pass them off as something else.

            “No.”

            Dr. Melek put his stethoscope to my chest. I could feel my heart racing.

            “Just relax and take a deep breath for me, Isabel.”

            I tried thinking about my new routine to help me relax. I imagined myself up in the air, going through every part. Surprisingly, it did help me forget where I was.

            “Did you hear me, Isabel?” Dr. Melek asked loudly.

            “Sorry, what did you say?”
            “I asked if you would lie down for me.”

            “Sure,” I said nervously.

            Dr. Melek went to pull my shirt up. I thought about running but I knew that I would be in trouble. I instead started squirming so that he would not be able to see the bandages.

            “Would you hold still?” Dr. Melek asked impatiently.

            I froze and that’s when Dr. Melek’s eyes locked on the bandages.

            “What happened here?” he asked slowly.

            “Cat scratched me.”

            Dr. Melek put on a pair of rubber gloves and started pulling off the bandages. The nurse had stopped her paperwork to watch.

            “How long have you been doing this?” Dr. Melek asked.

            I tried to play dumb. “What do you mean?”

            “How long have you been engaging in self injury? And what have you been using to cut?”

            I knew I was defeated. “A year maybe. And I use a razor.”

            “When was the most recent time you cut?”

            “Yesterday.”

            “Do you know why you did it?”
            “I just had a strong desire to do it. The idea just came out of nowhere.”

            “Were you feeling angry or stressed or lonely?”

            “I was feeling lonely yesterday. I don’t have any friends.”

            Dr. Melek got out some cotton balls and alcohol to clean the cuts. The pain was excruciating. I could tell that he wanted to tell me that I should enjoy the pain since I made the cuts myself.

            “Are your parents here?” Dr. Melek asked after awhile.

            “I’m an orphan. I am under the care of my aunt.”

            “Is she part of the circus?”
            “Yes.”

            “We are going to have a meeting this afternoon.”

            “What for?”

            “You can’t just keep cutting yourself.”

            “What if I agree to stop?”

            “It doesn’t work that way and I think you know it. I will be by your place this afternoon.”

 

Chapter 4

           

            Later that afternoon, I was in the RV, sitting on the couch, staring into space. Aunt Monica was not pleased. She likes me to get out, especially now that we are at an amusement park.

            There was a knock on the door. Aunt Monica looked up from her computer.

            “Who could that be?” she asked. I hadn’t told her about Dr. Melek coming over.

            “Are you Monica?” Dr. Melek asked when she opened the door.

            “Yes.”

            “I’m Dr. Melek. Would you mind if I came in for awhile?”
            “I guess.” Aunt Monica stood aside and let Dr. Melek come in.

            Dr. Melek saw me sitting on the couch and gave me a little nod hello. Thankfully, he chose to sit on the other couch where Aunt Monica had been sitting. She sat down awkwardly next to him.

            “What is going on?” Aunt Monica finally asked.

            “I can see that Isabel did not tell you that I would be coming,” Dr. Melek said.

            Aunt Monica shot me a look.

            “Well, I saw Isabel this morning,” Dr. Melek continued, “and I discovered something that we need to address.”
            “And what might that be?” Monica asked.

            “Isabel has been cutting herself,” Dr. Melek said calmly.

            “Where?” she asked as her eyes scanned me.

            “On her stomach,” Dr. Melek replied. “Am I right in thinking that some of your costumes do not cover your arms and legs, Isabel?”
            I nodded my head.

            “So what does this mean?” Aunt Monica asked. She suddenly looked weary.

            “People that engage in self injury are usually responding to intense feelings such as anger, stress, loneliness or depression. Sometimes the person does not know how to deal with these feelings. Self injury is done impulsively as a way of dealing with these feelings. The pain then released endorphins that help the person feel better temporarily.”

            “So what can we do to help Isabel?”
            “I recommend counseling. There may be issues that we don’t know about. Of course, with you two constantly on the road, I am worried about how counseling is going to work.”

            “What do you mean?”

            “Since you are never in one location for more than a few days, Isabel would never be able to see the same person more than one or two times. It might be difficult for her to get the help she needs.”

            “I don’t suppose we can find someone who also wants to join the circus,” Monica said with a weak laugh.

            “How would you feel about a video chat?” Dr. Melek asked suddenly.

            “What do you mean?” I asked.

            “Well, if we could find someone that is willing to work through webcam, then it would allow you to see the same person.”

            “I think that is a great idea!” Aunt Monica said.

            I wasn’t thrilled about it. Of course, I wouldn’t have to worry about hiding this from my friends since I didn’t have any.

            “Where is your razor?” Dr. Melek asked me.

            I reluctantly got it out of my bag and handed it over.

            “I will let you know when I find someone,” Dr. Melek said as he stood up and shook my aunt’s hand.

            “Thanks for everything,” she said.

 

Chapter 5

 

            That night, I went to bed angry that my secret had been discovered. I longed for my razor. I desperately needed to cut. Unfortunately, Aunt Monica was watching me like a hawk and I didn’t have a chance to steal any sharp objects.

            The next morning, Aunt Monica woke me so that I could have plenty of time to get ready for the morning show.

            “I talked to Dr. Melek,” she said while I attempted to get down breakfast (I haven’t had much appetite lately), “you are going to talk to the psychiatrist at twelve. It sounds like you are going to be taking some tests to find out if you have depression or another mental illness.”

            “Joy,” I said sarcastically. “And am I going to make it to the tent for final preparations before the next show?”
            “You will need to be ready to go for the two o’clock show by twelve. Then, at one you need to rush from your appointment.”

            “So I’m going to look like a circus performer during my appointment?”

            “You don’t usually change in between shows.”

            “This is an exception.”

            “The psychiatrist already knows that you are part of the circus.”

            I stood up and put my nearly full bowl in the sink.

            “Where are you going?”

            “I need to shower. I only have an hour before we need to be in the tent.”

            I grabbed my costume and shower bag and headed to the pool house. The park didn’t open for another hour so I wasn’t worried about running into anyone.

            I hated having to be backstage an hour early. I could use that time to do something else. During the school year, I sometimes bring my laptop and do homework. Now that it is summer, I just sit around and do nothing.

            When I got into the pool house, I found the rapid clothes changer showering. There was no way that I was going to let her see the cuts on my stomach.

            “I’m almost done,” she said in her thick Russian accent.

            I waited in the locker room area until she was done and then I rushed to the showers. I didn’t want anyone to come in while I was showering.

            Once I was done, I quickly put on my costume and got ready for today’s shows.

            An hour before the morning show, I headed to the tent that is considered backstage because it is located at the back entrance of the big top.

            Paul gave us his usual new location pep talk but I found it difficult to focus. My mind was on my appointment this afternoon.

            Before I knew it, one of the stage directors was calling my name. I was on next.

            “Here she is folks,” Paul said to the audience. “The beautiful Isabel, the amazing acrobat.”

            I walked gracefully into the arena. Paul took my hand as I stepped out of my silver high heels. I chalked my hands and climbed the rope. Once the music started, I went through my routine with many appreciative gasps from the audience as I did death defying stunts.

            As the music ended, I slid down the rope and Paul grabbed my hand. I took my bow before running out of the arena.

            I went back to my thinking for a little longer until the stage managers told us it was time for our final bow.

            We lined up and waited for Paul to call our names.

            “Isabel the acrobat,” I heard. I rant out to the arena and took another bow. Then, I moved to the side for the next performer.

            Once we had all gathered and taken our bow, an American flag was raised and the National Anthem was played. Once it was done, we took a group bow and we were done. The morning show was over.

 

Chapter 6

 

            “Hi, Isabel,” the psychiatrist said after I logged in.

            I was slightly out of breath because the morning show had just gotten over.

            “I’m Dr. Collins. How’s it going?”

            “Well, I am a little exhausted. Our show just ended. I hope you don’t mind if I grab a bite to eat because I have got to be back in an hour.”

            “That is no problem. I had said that I was going to do tests today but I think I am going to send you the link and you can do them on your own time.”

            “Ok,” I replied as Aunt Monica quickly stuck her head in and handed me a sandwich and some fruit.

            “Why don’t you start by telling me what your life is like at a traveling circus?”

            “It isn’t all that great. I mean, sure, we do a lot of traveling but we never do any sightseeing. We are in a particular location for one to two weeks and we do one to two shows a day. We are actually at this amusement park for eight weeks and we are doing three shows a day. Thankfully we get the month of August off and then we will come back for two weeks of rehearsal before we hit the road.”

            “So you don’t like the circus life for the traveling or the intensity of the work?”

            “I guess it is the traveling. I am never in one permanent place. I never stick around long enough to make friends. All I get are fans.”

            “But you like the performing?”

            “Yeah, that’s why I don’t want to give up the circus. Where else would I find a job as an acrobat?”

            “I don’t imagine that job is in high demand.”

            “I personally don’t know any other acrobats other than the woman who taught me and my mom.”

            “Do you get out much?”
            “I went on a roller coaster the other day.”

            “And that is it?”

            “It isn’t much fun going to an amusement park by yourself.”

            “Isabel, you are going to be at this amusement park for eight weeks. I am going to challenge you to get out everyday to meet someone. I know these people probably won’t come back to the park again this summer but at least you would have a few hours a day to have some fun.”

            “Won’t people be weirded out that a random person wants to hang out?”

            “Just try it, Isabel. You might actually be surprised that people are friendlier than you think.”

            “Ok.”

            “I am also inviting you to join my Christian depression support group.”

            “How can I join a group when I am on location?”

            “It’s a web group. We meet formally through webcam once a week but we also communicate through online forums.”

            “I’m also not a Christian.”

            “Just give it a chance, Isabel. It will be a way to communicate with people dealing with the same things you are going through.”

            “Ok, I will try it.”

            “I think we will end our session with that. Remember to take those online tests and I will talk to you tomorrow at the support group.”

 

Chapter 7

 

            After the last show of the day, I ran back to the camper so that I could quickly change before going over to the amusement park. I changed into a Plainsboro Circus staff t-s**t (I had no other clothes I realized) and scrubbed off the heavy makeup. I decided it would be better to leave my hair in my neat but because of all the hairspray and gel I had in it.

            “Have fun,” Aunt Monica said as I rushed out the door.

            I don’t know why I was so excited. Maybe I was just anxious not to be depressed anymore and decided meeting people was worth a shot.

            Once I entered the amusement park, I spotted some teens sitting at a table enjoying a plate of nachos. I didn’t want to freak them out so I sat at a table close by and got on my phone. Every once in awhile I would shoot them a quick glace. They looked like they were having fun.

            Suddenly, one of the girls got up and approached my table.

            Please let this be it! I thought to myself.

            “Excuse me,” the girl said, “you wouldn’t happen to be the acrobat at the circus?”

            “What gave it away?” I asked.

            “Well, your hair style did. It also doesn’t help that your shirt says you are part of the circus staff.”

            “My name is Isabel.”

            “Sarah Elizabeth.” She gestured to her friends to come over. “And this is Michael, Ron, Kendra, and Mia.”

            “Pleased to meet you,” I said. Suddenly, I was afraid they were going to ask for my autograph rather than ask me to hang out.

            “So what brings you to the amusement park?” Michael asked.

            “I’m looking for some fun.”

            “Are you with anyone? Would you like to go on some rides with us?”

            “Roller coasters don’t scare you, do they?” Ron asked with a grin.

            “I do stunts that are scarier than any rides,” I said.

            “Then let’s go get in line!” Michael said impatiently.

            “So are you guys enjoying your day here?” I asked Sarah Elizabeth once we had gotten in line.

            “Actually, we just got here. We have season passes so we come here almost every evening.

            My heart leapt! I could maybe actually make some real friends!

            “So you must really like this place.”

            “Oh yeah. This place gives us something to do every night.”

            The girls started asking about my life in the circus but I found that I really didn’t mind. It was nice for someone to be interested in what I had to say.

            Soon, it was our turn and I found myself seated next to Kendra.

            We didn’t talk on the ride because there were so many steep hills and loops.

            “Are you sure you have never ridden this before?” Kendra asked as we exited the ride. “You didn’t scream at all.”

            “Like I said, I do way scarier stunts as an acrobat.”

            “A part of me envies your life,” Mia said, “but another part of me says that I am lucky that I have a normal life.”

            “You are lucky,” I said as we got in line for a water coaster.

            “Are you going to be around tomorrow night?” Mia asked.

            “I’m going to be around for the next eight weeks.”

            “Would you give us a tour of the circus? Show us what it is like behind the scenes?”

            “I would love to!” I said, trying not to sound breathless. I was excited that they wanted to spend time with me. “Just don’t ask me to try any stunts.”

            “Do you get asked that a lot?”

            “It is not normal not to be asked to be shot out of the cannon or do tricks up in the air. I am also not going to give away any secrets to magic tricks.”

            “We won’t ask,” Mia promised.

            It was our turn. Mia, Michael, and Ron ended up in one boat and I ended up in front of another with Sarah Elizabeth and Kendra.

            “You are going to get soaked,” Kendra warned just as we went over a little hill.

            A wall of water came over the front of the boat and sure enough, I was drenched.

            “You put me in front on purpose!” I complained as I looked back at the other girls and found them dryer than me.

            Suddenly, we were going up a bigger hill. I knew I was going to get even wetter. The boat tipped over the edge and we went plunging downward, making a huge splash as we reached the bottom. Surprisingly, I didn’t get drenched.

            “Funny how that works,” Kendra said with a laugh.

            We met up with the others and found Mia just as wet as me.

            “Tomorrow night Isabel and I are not sitting in front!” Mia said as we headed to the next ride, which was like a giant swing except for the bottom also spun.

            After that, we rode something that makes you feel like you are blasting into space. To finish, we rode the giant Ferris wheel.

            “We’ll see you tomorrow after the circus!” they all called after we had decided to make it a night.

            “Did you have fun?” Aunt Monica asked as I came in tired but bright eyed a few minutes later.

            “We are going to hang out tomorrow! They are so nice!”

            “That’s what I like to hear,” she said as she gave me a hug, “you making friends.”

 

Chapter 8

 

            After the last show, I rushed out of the tent. I quickly changed and then came back to meet with my new friends. I had been looking forward to this all day. It was a good thing I had the support group meeting (I had to attend in my costume) and three shows to keep me busy.

            “Great job!” Michael said when he saw me.

            “Why did you change out of your costume?” Kendra actually sounded disappointed.

            “It is more like a uniform. I have had it on since about eight thirty this morning.”

            “It looked really pretty though,” Mia said.

            “You will have to see some of my other costumes.”

            “Do you get to pick out what you wear?”

            “I have about five different costumes to choose from. I don’t like to wear the same one two days in a row.”

            I could tell that the guys were getting bored with the talk about the clothes.

            “Ready for the tour?” I asked.

            “Are you sure we can’t try the cannon?” Ron asked.

            “Even I am not allowed to try the cannon and I have been at the circus almost my entire life.”

            “Were you born at the circus?” Kendra asked as I took them to the backstage tent.

            “I was adopted. I was brought right here though.”

            “What is this tent?” Sarah Elizabeth asked incredulously. “Is this a prop tent?”

            “This is actually the backstage tent. This is where we are required to meet an hour before each show. We also hang out in here when it isn’t our turn to perform. We do keep our props here and then it is our responsibility to make sure our things are ready to go.”

            Ron and Michael had picked up some of the pins and tried juggling. They both dropped all the pins on the ground.

            “I think you will need to practice before you join the circus,” Mia said with a laugh.

            “You do it then,” Ron said.

            I picked up the pins and started juggling.

            “Well, you make it look so easy,” Ron said. “I suppose you have been doing this since birth.”

            “Almost,” I said with a laugh. “Let’s go look at the animal enclosures.”

            “Aren’t there a lot of complaints about circus animals?” Kendra asked.

            “There are. We do our best to make sure the animals get the best care.”

            “I expected the animals to be in cages,” Michael said as he looked through the tall fence at the elephants.

            “Like I said, we do our best. That means when we can, we let the animals out of their cages and put them in fenced enclosures.”

            “Do you only have elephants and some horses?”

            “We do smaller shows during the summer when we are performing in the tent. The tigers are back in Plainsboro.”

            “Have you ever worked with the tigers?”

            “Of course. About the only thing I haven’t tried is the cannon.”

            “Have you tried that spinning wheel that we saw earlier?”

            “Yeah,” I said as we went back into the main tent. “I don’t do anything fancy though.” I climbed in the wheel and had Ron spin it from the other end.

            “I can’t believe your mom would let you do all this stuff at a young age. I don’t think my parents would let me do any of this now.”

            “The circus is our life,” I said as I climbed up to the trapeze.

            “Aren’t you scared of falling?” Sarah Elizabeth asked.

            “No.”

            “How come you don’t use a net?”
            “This kind of act doesn’t use a net. That is true for any circus. We do have a net but we only use it when little kids are up here for fun.”

            I started going through a simple routine.

            “If you fall, wouldn’t you die?”

            “Probably. I did hear of an acrobat falling a few years ago.”

            “And in the circus, are you prepared if that happens?”

            “What do you mean?” I asked as I slid down the rope back to the ground.

            “Do you know where you would go if you died?” Sarah pressed.

            “I imagine I would go to Heaven. I am not a terrible person.” Why was she even talking about this?
            “It doesn’t work that way. The only way to Heaven is by accepting Jesus as your Savior.”

            Great, I find friends and they are all into religion. I had also gotten this once today in the support group meeting.

            “Look, I am glad you care, but I don’t know if I am one for religion, let alone a relationship with God.”

            “We aren’t going to give up on you. You are now our friend and we will make sure you will be joining us to spend eternity in Heaven.”

 

Chapter 8

 

            I was not in a good mood when I woke up the next morning. I had gotten written up for showing my friends the circus. After they left, I was so angry that I took a knife and cut. Later, I ended up regretting what I had done. I thought about telling Dr. Collins but I really didn’t need her. I wasn’t crazy.

            “Aren’t you going to eat breakfast?” Aunt Monica asked as I got ready to head to the backstage tent.

            “I’m not hungry,” I said before I left the camper.

            “Did you know that you are bleeding?” one of the clowns said when I arrived at the tent.

            I looked down at my costume and saw that I was indeed bleeding.

            “Cover for me,” I said before rushing back to the camper.

            Aunt Monica had left so I ripped off my costume and saw the bandage covering my recent cutting was soaked with blood. I must have cut a little too deeply.

            I pulled off the bandage and fount that I was really bleeding. A new bandage probably wouldn’t last that long. I found some gauze and tape in the first aid kit and used it to make a thick bandage.

            I quickly pulled on a new costume and rushed back to the tent.

            “Get it all taken care of?” the clown asked when I returned.

            “Yeah.” I was slightly out of breath from running.

            “That was sure an odd place to be bleeding. What did you do?”

            “Cut myself on the animal enclosures,” I lied.

            “You might want to see if the amusement park has a nurse to get that cleaned up.”

            “Sure,” I replied.

            In a few minutes it was time for the show to begin. I was feeling kind of dizzy though.

            “Are you sure you are all right?” the clown asked.

            “Absolutely. The show must go on.”

            “You are up, Isabel,” the stage manager said.   

            I walked to the entrance to wait for my cue.

            “Please welcome the beautiful Isabel!”

            I walked slowly in my high heel shoes. Once I was in the center of the ring, I slipped off my shoes and then climbed the rope.

            The rope sure seemed to be swaying a lot. I wasn’t sure I if could do this.

            The music started and I started swinging the bar. I went to do a flip but I was feeling so lousy that I wasn’t thinking clearly. The next thing I know, I was falling towards the ground!

 

 

 

 

Chapter 9

 

            I groaned and then opened my eyes.

            “How are you feeling?” a man asked.

            I was in a bright white room. The man looked very familiar. He was wearing a white coat. I was in the hospital.

            “What happened?” I asked.

            “Do you remember falling?”

            It was coming back. I felt dizzy during my performance and then I fell. I remember being conscious after I hit the ground. People in the stands had been screaming and Aunt Monica had come running.

            Now I remembered the doctor. He was Dr. Melek, the doctor who had discovered my problem with cutting.

            “What’s wrong with me? Am I ever going to be able to perform again?”

            “Yes, you will be able to perform again,” Dr. Melek said. “I don’t know if that is such a good idea though.”

            “What do you mean?”

            Dr. Melek pointed to my stomach. I pulled up my hospital gown to look at the bandaged cuts.

            “The reason you passed out is because you lost so much blood.”

            “I have no life if you take me away from the circus!”

            “Isabel, I am not saying that you can’t go back to the circus. I’m saying that you need to think about whether the circus is right for you. You also need some serious help.”

            “I am getting help!”

            “You are going to get more help. You are on a psychiatric hold. You will be going to the psychiatric floor soon.”

            “What else is wrong with me, besides the blood loss? I feel several feet. I should be dead.”

            “You are very lucky. You only broke your leg.”

            There was a knock on the door. “Can we come in?” a familiar voice asked.

            I looked up to see Mia and Kendra in the doorway.

            “I was just leaving,” Dr. Melek said. He walked out of the room.

            “How are you doing?” Mia asked.

            “I have been better.”

            “You are so lucky though. God saved you for a reason.”

            I thought about what she was saying. Why would God want to save me? What had I ever done for Him?

            “Why would God want to save me?” I asked at last.

            “He has plans for you.”

            “Like what?”

            “I don’t know. But being part of the circus can be a great way to tell people about Jesus. You are always traveling.”

            “The doctor thinks I should give up the circus.”

            “Why? I thought your injuries were minor.”

            “I suffer from depression,” I said quietly. I almost expected them to leave after they heard that.

            “And I am bipolar,” Kendra said. “God has plans for me that include a mental illness.”

            “But you are not part of a circus!”

            “No, but think about it, the circus has been your entire life. Do you really want to give that up?”

            “Not really. Performing is my most favorite thing to do.”

            “Use your talents for God,” Mia encouraged.

            “They are sending me to the psychiatric floor though.”

            “It isn’t as bad as you think,” Kendra said. “I have been there a lot. Being there will give you lots of time to think. Maybe you can think about God’s purpose for you and your need for Him in your life.”

            “Will you come visit me?”

            “Absolutely.”

            “I guess I can handle it.”

            “Of course you can. We will pray for you.”         

            “Thanks.”

 

Chapter 10

 

            It wasn’t long after that when I was taken up a couple of floors to the psychiatric floor. I was given a quick tour which consisted of a nurse’s station, a dining room, activity room, and a bunch of patient rooms.

            My room was pretty basic. There were two beds separated by a small table with a lamp on it.

            “Are you my new roommate?” a girl about my age asked as she came in the room.

            “I’m Isabel,” I said.

            “I’m Kelley. Is there anything I can do for you?”

            “You can make my life better.”

            “I don’t think that is in my capabilities. Why don’t you turn your problems over to God? He is the miracle maker.  So are you a Christian?”

            “No. My friends told me before I came up here that I needed to think about God’s purpose for me and how come He saved me.”

            “Saved you, how?”

            I told Kelley about the cutting and how it led to my accident.

            “That is amazing. Imagine what an inspiring story you will be able to tell once you become a Christian.”

            “Yeah, I guess.”

            “You need to cheer up, Isabel. God brought you here for a reason. It isn’t like you are going to perform for awhile anyway.”

            “I guess you are right.”

            There was a knock on the door. “You have a visitor, Isabel.”

            I went into the hall and found Aunt Monica waiting for me.

            “What are you doing here?” I asked as we took seats in the visitor’s lounge.

            “I wasn’t able to come until after the last show. I wanted to see how you were doing.”

            “I don’t know how I am doing. These last few days have been crazy.”

            “That’s why when I heard that you had cut again, I decided you would benefit from a stay here.”

            “Wasn’t my therapy and support group and friends enough?”

            “I think you have been going through stuff for awhile, Isabel. It is going to take more care than what you have been getting the last few days.”

            “You aren’t saying that I should quit the circus?”

            “No. If that is what you need to do though, then I support your decision.”

            “I think the circus is best for me. Performing makes me happy.”

            “Well, you have some time to think about it. You won’t be performing at this location again.”

            “It is time for you to visit with Dr. Collins, Isabel,” a nurse said.

            “Ok.”

            “I will talk to you in a few days, Isabel.”

 

Chapter 11

 

            Over the next few days, I spent a lot of time in my room, just thinking. I also affirmed that the circus is the place where I belong.

            I could still not figure out why God would choose to save me. As a circus performer, I cannot form many relationships with people because I am constantly traveling. And maybe that is what God wants from me! Maybe He wants me to tell everyone that I meet about Jesus!

            “How do you become a Christian?” I asked Kelley when she came in the room.

            “Did you decide that you are ready?”
            “I am a circus performer doing dangerous stunts. I should have thought about this several years ago.”

            “All you need to do is believe that Jesus died for your sins and make Him your Savior.”

            “It is that simple?”

            “Well, usually a person will pray and then wash away those sins symbolically through baptism.”

            I bowed my head and saw Kelley follow suit.

            “Lord, be the Savior of my life. I accept the forgiveness that You gave me. I want to live my life for You, even though I live and work at a circus. I am Yours. Amen.”

            “So how did you come to this decision?” Kelley asked as there was a knock on the door.

            “Your friends are here, Isabel.”

            “Let’s go the visitor’s lounge so that we can all talk.

            I found Sarah Elizabeth, Michael, and Kendra all waiting for me.

            “You will never believe it!” I said excitedly. “I am a Christian!”

            I was suddenly engulfed in a big hug.   

            “So let’s hear how it happened,” Kelley begged.

            “Well, I realize that God can use me at the circus. I may travel around a lot and am unable to form close relationships, but I still meet lots and lots of people. I also need God because I do dangerous stunts. I really should have died in the accident.

            “This is just a theory, but if it wasn’t for the fact that I have depression, I might never have actually been ordered to go out and meet friends, such as you guys. I also probably never would have come here to actually think about my need for God.”

            “You are getting really detailed with this,” Kendra said with a laugh.

            “I thank you all for what you have done for me!” I said as I initiated another group hug.

 

Epilogue

 

             I only had another week left here at the amusement park. My cast was off but I was required to take a break from performing.

            Mia, Kendra, Kelley, Ron, Michael, Sarah Elizabeth, and my Aunt Monica were all gathered around one of the pools in the water park.

            “Isabel, I have a question for you,” the pastor said, “do you accept the forgiveness given through the death of Jesus Christ and do you make Him the Lord and Savior of your life?”

            “I do.”

            The pastor dunked me completely under water. Once I came up, I was surrounded by my friends.

            “I have never felt better!” I said.

            “My baptism was the happiest day of my life,” Michael said.

            “Mine too,” Sarah, Kendra, and Mia said together.

            “I’m going to be sad to leave you guys but I am excited to hit the road to share Jesus.”

            “We’ll miss you too,” Mia said.

            “You’ll keep in contact, won’t you?” Sarah asked.

            “Of course. And you will get updates on my Isabel the Christian Trapeze Artist Facebook page.”

            “God has huge plans for you, Isabel,” Kendra said solemnly. “I’m glad I got to play a part in them.”

            “I love you guys,” I said as I engulfed them in a wet hug.

            This was the best summer ever! I had friends, a Lord and Savior, and I am a circus performer. I am getting help for my depression. I couldn’t ask God for more!