Another Chance to Live

Allison is finding it difficult to live her life after she attempted suicide and failed in three different ways. How does God play into her life now?

Chapter 1

 

            “Time to get up,” my sister Amanda said to me that morning.

            “Do I have to?” I complained as I pulled the blankets over my head.

            “Of course you do. It is your first day at a new school. This is your chance to start over.”

            “Since it is my first day, nobody is going to know if I don’t show up. I will start over tomorrow.”

            “Come on,” Amanda said as she pulled the blankets off me.

            “Fine,” I grumbled as I sat up.

            “You will like your new school, just wait and see.” Amanda helped me get out of bed and then to get dressed. Then she helped me into my wheelchair and we went into the kitchen.

            “Has Mom left for work?” I asked as Amanda handed me the cereal and milk.

            “Yeah, so I’m taking you to school.”

            “I’m not ready to go to school,” I complained.

            “You are just nervous,” Amanda replied.

            “No I’m not. I’m scared that the other students will figure out what happened to me.”

            “Why would they figure out what happened to you? Your friends at your old school don’t even know what really happened to you. The only way the students at your new school would know would be if you told them.”

            “The counselor and principal know what happened to me. They had to meet with my psychiatrist.”
            “They aren’t going to tell the students.”

            “What if the students guess?”

            “They aren’t going to guess what happened to you. Just relax and don’t worry.”

            “What if they ask what happened to me?”

            “It’s your choice whether you answer or not. Or you can just tell them you were in an accident.”

            “I’m not telling people what I did. It is embarrassing.”

            “That’s your choice, Allison.”

            “Is Mom going to pick me up at school?”

            “I get done with class at three fifty so I will pick you up. I will be a few minutes late so you are going to have to wait with the counselor. She already knows about this,” Amanda said with a sigh.

            “Do you trust me, Amanda?” I asked.

            “I don’t know,” she said softly.

            “Why not?” I asked.

            “Why do you think I don’t trust you?” Amanda asked loudly. “You tried to kill yourself! You were being completely selfish. You weren’t thinking about anybody but yourself.”

            “I said I was sorry,” I replied quietly.

            “You tried to kill yourself once, what’s to stop you from trying again?”

            “I’ve learned the error of my way. I have to live with the consequences of my actions for the rest of my life.”

            “And how long is your life going to be?” Amanda asked angrily.

            “I’m a changed person now, Amanda. You have got to trust me. I’m not going to have a babysitter for the rest of my life. I am seventeen for goodness sakes.”

            “You’re going to have to prove to a lot of people that you are able to be trusted.”

            “How can I do that when I’m never left alone? How can I prove to you and Mom when you are at work and school all day and Mom is at work? Mom has hardly spoken to me since I got home last week.”

            “Do you blame her?”

            “Let’s go,” I said, ignoring Amanda’s question.

            “All right,” she replied.

 

Chapter 2

 

            Amanda helped me into her car and we started off to my new school. On the way I wondered whether I would like my new school. I wondered if I would like the other students and whether they would treat me normally. I certainly hoped they had no idea that I had tried to kill myself. I hoped Amanda was right and this was my chance to start over.

            A year ago I was depressed and unhappy with my life. Amanda had graduated high school and was going to school at the university three hours away and my mom worked all day at her office job. I was all alone. I used to hang out with my friends everyday after school but all of a sudden, I didn’t want to do those things anymore.

            One day after school, I decided I was done with life. I wrote out my suicide note and then took my car to a deserted road. I drove super fast without wearing my seatbelt and just like I wanted to do, I lost control of the wheel and went off the road. I rolled into a ravine and hit a tree.

            I was very surprised when I woke up in the hospital a week later to find out that my attempt at suicide had failed. It seems that someone had seen me go off the road and was able to call for help. If they hadn’t seen the accident, nobody would have seen me in the ravine and I probably would have died.

            I almost did die during that first week though. I was in a coma and wasn’t expected to make it. I was very mad when I realized that I had had three chances to die but  I hadn’t succeeded because I survived the accident, then someone had to call 911, and then I didn’t die in the coma after I went to the hospital.

            My mom and Amanda were very mad at me when they realized that I had been trying to kill myself. They had no idea that I was depressed since they were never around.

            I was in the hospital for quite awhile. I had a lot of serious internal injuries. I was also paralyzed from not wearing my seatbelt.

            While I was in the hospital, I was getting a lot of counseling. My mom never left me alone because she was afraid that I might try again. Amanda also transferred to a community college so that she could live at home and help my mom and be closer to me.

            Once I got out of the hospital, I was sent to a rehab center for my spine. I continued to get counseling while there though. Then, when I left the spinal rehab center, I was sent to get more professional help. I just got released last week because my mom wasn’t ready for me to come home until last week.

            This whole last year, I have been homeschooling myself. I haven’t exactly liked it, but I was in no condition to go to school.

            Now that I am finally at home, my mom decided to send me to a different school. I’m a junior so I’m very nervous about starting a new school when it is January. My mom thought that it would be best for me to start over though. Even though my friends at my old school don’t know that I tried to kill myself (they all think that I was in a serious accident) my mom thinks going to my old school and resuming my old life will just bring back my depression.

            Even though I am home, my life is far from being normal. My mom no longer trusts me so at home I am never to be in a room alone. Since my mom is at work all day, I have to be with my sister. She is usually doing homework so I have to hang out in the living room. My mom also told my teachers and counselor that I must never be left alone. She told them that I am not even allowed to go to the restroom by myself. That is very embarrassing.

            I have told my mom that I have realized that I was being selfish and I will never attempt suicide again but she doesn’t believe me.

            Besides all that, I also have to see my psychiatrist twice a week to discuss what is going on in my life.

            I’m not living the greatest life right now but I guess that is what I get since I tried to kill myself.

 

Chapter 3

 

            “This is Allison Reed,” Amanda said when we had gone into the main office.

            “Welcome to Star View School,” one of the secretaries said as she came up to the counter. “I’m just going to take you over to Mrs. Lyons. She is the counselor and she will be helping you with your classes and everything else.”

            “Great,” I said in a voice that sounded far from excited.

            “Cheer up,” Amanda told me in a whisper.

            “What if I can’t? What if I’m depressed?”

            “You’re not depressed. They wouldn’t have released you if you were depressed.”

            “Think what you want,” I said before we went into Mrs. Lyons’s office.

            “You must be Allison,” she said when she saw me.

            “Yeah,” I said as I looked at the ground.

            “Welcome to Star View. I hope you will love it here.”

            “We all do,” Amanda said.

            “Are you Amanda?”

            “I am.”

            “You are the one that is going to pick her up, right?”

            “Right. I am sorry that I have to be a little late.”

            “That is no problem at all. After school Allison’s teacher will escort her to my office and she will be here when you arrive.”

            “Thanks so much.”

            “Well, are you ready for a tour of the school?”

            “Can’t wait,” I said with as much fake excitement as I could muster.

            “Let’s go then,” she said.

            “I’ll see you later,” Amanda said before she left.

            “See you,” I said as Mrs. Lyons led me out the hall.

            “Has your mom told you what she told the faculty?” Mrs. Lyons asked as she led me down a hall of lockers that was completely empty. School must have already started.

            “About how I am not allowed to go anywhere; yeah she told me.”

            “I hope you know that we have high expectations for you. We won’t make any exceptions to the rules here at school or the rules your mom gave us.”

            “Don’t worry about me,” I said, wondering why I was being lectured in the hall rather then in her office.

            “And please don’t tell anybody that you tried to commit suicide,” Mrs. Lyons said quietly.

            “Why in the world would I tell people that?” I asked loudly because I was shocked that she would even bother to mention that, especially outside of her office.

            “Some people would think that it is something to brag about.”

            “Yeah, I’m totally proud of what I did,” I said sarcastically.

            Mrs. Lyons then decided to drop the conversation and started pointing out where my locker was and all my classes.

            “I will see you after school,” she said after she showed me what class I was supposed to be in right now.

            “Right,” I said before I went into the English classroom.

            The minute I walked in, everyone looked up from the book they were reading silently and started staring at me. The door was located at the front of the room and the teacher’s desk was way in the back. I would have to go by everyone in order to talk to her.

            I did my best to look down while wheeling myself to the back of the room. I managed to avoid eye contact but I still felt everyone staring at me.

            “I’m Allison Reed,” I said as quietly as I could. “I’m new here.”

            “Yes, I heard that you were coming,” the teacher said as she stared at me. “I’m Mrs. Black. Here is your textbook. You can put your chair right there,” she said as she pointed to an empty spot at the front of the row.

            I went to the spot where she pointed. I knew that everyone would be staring at me from behind but at least I couldn’t see their eyes anymore.

            I saw on the board that they had just started the book that Mrs. Black had handed me. The board said that we were supposed to read the first three chapters. I decided to try reading right away and maybe forget about everyone staring at me.

            Surprisingly I was able to get caught up in the book. I used to love reading before I got depressed. Once I got depressed, I lost interest in reading though.

            I was very surprised when the bell rang and class was over. I looked at my schedule and found out that I had history in room twenty three. I had no idea where that was located and I didn’t know if anyone else in the class had history so I couldn’t even follow them.

            “Hi,” this girl said as she came up to me. “I’m Kelsie.”

            “Allison,” I said in surprise.

            “Do you need any help getting to your next class?”

            “Can you help me get to history?” I asked.

            “Of course I can. I have history next too.”

            “Thanks,” I said as Kelsie led me to room twenty three.

            “So where did you move from?” Kelsie asked.

            “Um,” I said because I didn’t know what to say. Technically I never did move. I just changed schools. “I used to go to Lincoln High School,” I finally said.

            “I know a lot of people there. Do you know Miranda Valentine?”

            “Yeah,” I said. Miranda was one of my best friends before I got depression.

            “I’m sorry if you don’t want to talk about this,” Kelsie said.

            “It is ok,” I said as we went inside.

            “Can I see your schedule? I want to know whether we have any other classes together.”

            “Sure,” I said as I handed her my schedule.

            “This is totally amazing!” Kelsie said as she handed back my schedule. “We have the same classes.”

            “That’s great!” I said and I actually meant it. Maybe Kelsie could help me find all of my classes. Maybe Kelsie and I could actually be friends.

            I figured class was about to start so I went up to the teacher’s desk and he handed me a textbook and told me where I could put my wheelchair.

 

Chapter 4

 

            At lunch time Kelsie invited me to eat with her friends in the cafeteria. We got in line and once we got food, we went over to the table.

            “Hello,” a girl said to me. She stood up and moved one of the chairs out of the way so that I could have a spot to park my chair.

            “Thanks,” I said gratefully as I moved up to the table.

            “I’m Andrea,” the girl said with a smile as Kelsie sat down next to me.

            I picked up my spoon and that is when I noticed that Kelsie had bowed her head and was praying silently.

            I have never been a religious person. I believe in God but I figure that my chances of going to Heaven are shot. I know God is supposed to be forgiving but I figure that doesn’t count if a person tries to kill themselves.

            I was debating about whether I should pretend to pray or just eat. Kelsie got done praying at that moment though so I didn’t have to decide anything. Instead, Kelsie started introducing me to the other two girls at the table.

            “That is Erika and that is Violet. Everyone, this is Allison.”

            “So where did you move from?” Violet asked.

            “I didn’t exactly move,” I said, hoping this conversation wouldn’t lead to my past. “I transferred from Lincoln High School.”

            “Why did you transfer here?” Erika asked. “Isn’t Lincoln a better school academically than this school?”

            I had no idea what to say to that. Erika was right in saying that Lincoln is the better school.

            “I needed a change,” I said, actually being honest.

            “Well, I hope you like this school,” Kelsie said.

            “I hope so too,” I agreed, glad that they didn’t ask for any more details.

            “So what church do you go to around here?” Violet asked.

            “I actually don’t have go to church,” I admitted.

            “So are you a Christian?” Erika asked.   

            “I believe in God,” I said. “I just don’t go to church.”

            “Believing isn’t enough. You have to give your life to God,” Violet said.

            “I don’t think God wants me to give my life to Him.”

            “Of course He does. God wants everyone to be part of His family.”

            “How about you come to our youth group? It meets Wednesdays after school,” Kelsie said. “It is so much fun.”

            I thought about what Kelsie said. Maybe I should give religion a try. Maybe if I got to know God, He would let me in Heaven, despite what I have done with my life.

            “Do you need a ride?” Kelsie asked. “I can give you a ride if you would like to come.”

            “I would like to come,” I finally said.

            “That’s great!” Kelsie said. “So tomorrow after school I can just take you and then drop you off when it gets over.”

            “Thanks,” I said.

            “No problem. You’re absolutely going to love our youth group.”

            “I think we are having someone share their testimony tomorrow,” Erika said.

            “What does that mean?” I asked.

            “It means that someone is going to talk about how they gave their life to God. It is very helpful for people to see that nobody is perfect and to show people that aren’t Christians that they can become Christians.”

            “So what class do you have next?” Violet asked.

            “She has math,” Kelsie said.

            “What, do you have her schedule memorized?” Erika asked with a laugh.

            “I just happened to know that we have the same classes,” Kelsie said defensively.

            “Have fun in math,” Violet said. “Mr. Leeds likes to have new students formally introduce themselves in the front of the class. He isn’t afraid to ask questions.”

            “You can’t be serious!” I exclaimed. The teachers knew my past. If Mr. Leeds asked me something about my past, then the other students would be sure to know what I had done.

            The bell rang then and Kelsie led me to math class.

            “Oh yes, I remember hearing about you,” Mr. Leeds said when Kelsie introduced us. “Well, I like to have new students introduce themselves to the whole class. So why don’t you go up to the front and tell us a few words about yourself.”

            I went up front and stared at the class. “I’m Allison Reed,” I said quietly. “I transferred from Lincoln High School.”

            “Thank you, Allison,” Mr. Leeds said without asking anymore questions. “Now if everyone will turn to page one hundred four.”

 

Chapter 5

 

            “How was school today?” Amanda asked on the car ride home from school.

            “I guess it wasn’t as bad as I was expecting,” I admitted.

            “Did you meet anybody nice?”

            “I met a few girls. They invited me to go to their youth group tomorrow after school. Do you think Mom will let me go? One of the girls offered to give me a ride.”

            “Knowing Mom, she probably won’t let you go,” Amanda said with a sigh as we pulled up in front of the apartment.

            “Why do you think that?” I asked.

            “If you haven’t noticed, Mom doesn’t trust you. She would never leave you in the hands of someone else.”

            “She has got to learn to trust me sometime. Does she honestly think that I am going to try to kill myself again? First of all, I am in a wheelchair now. That limits me in ways that I wasn’t limited before. Second of all, I have realized how selfish I was being. And third of all, I have a chance to start over on life. Who knows, I might actually like my new life.”

            “First you have to prove yourself,” Amanda said as she helped me inside.

            Amanda sat down at the couch and started working on her homework. I wasn’t done debating whether Mom would let me go with Kelsie but I knew that Amanda was done discussing it so I decided I had better get started on my homework too.

            I was much farther behind then the other students at Star View School. In some of my classes, it wasn’t such a big deal. I honestly didn’t care about the fifty years that I missed in American History. But in Algebra II, it is a big deal that I missed a bunch of stuff. I couldn’t understand what we were talking about today because I am so far behind.

            I decided I wasn’t going to get my homework done with a negative attitude so I decided to focus on my homework and forget about my problems right now.

            By six o’clock, I was sick of working. Amanda had finished with whatever she had been working on and was working on dinner in the kitchen. This meant that she was leaving me alone but she was still checking on me every couple of minutes.

            “You know, it would be nice to be trusted,” I told Amanda after about the fiftieth time of her checking on me.

            “I have orders from Mom to never leave you alone.”

            “So do you think I should ask her about going to youth group tomorrow?”

            “You know she is going to say no.”

            “I hate this!” I protested. “I don’t have a life anymore.”

            “That is a consequence to what you did.”

            “You know, when I was getting treated for depression, they trusted me to be left alone! You two are paranoid! They wouldn’t have released me if they didn’t think that I could handle being alone!”

            “And now you have to prove yourself,” my mom said as she walked through the door.

            “Hello,” I said with a big, fake smile.

            “What is all the yelling about? I could hear you in the hallway. I didn’t think that you wanted anyone to know your secrets.”

            My mom is very embarrassed about me having depression and the fact that I tried committing suicide. She never mentions the words ‘depression’ or ‘suicide.’ Instead she calls it ‘my secret.’ It is so annoying. She didn’t even come see me after I got out of the regular hospital because she was embarrassed to be seen with me.

            “I got invited by some friends to go to youth group tomorrow after school,” I told my mom. “One of the girls even offered me a ride.”

            “I don’t think so,” my mom said as she started flipping through the mail that was sitting on the table.

            “Why not?” I asked, even though I already knew.

            “Because I don’t trust you,” my mom said. “You’re going to have to prove to me that I can trust you.”

            “So what exactly do I have to do to be trusted? Not commit suicide? How am I going to prove that when you never leave me alone?”

            “Time will tell,” my mom said calmly as we sat down to eat.

            “So until you decide to trust me, I am trapped in this prisonlike setting?”

            “You should have thought about that before,” my mom said.

            “I wasn’t thinking about that before because I thought I would be dead!” I said angrily.

            “You better be thankful that I don’t trust you otherwise I would have sent you to your room!” my mom yelled.

            “I wish I could go to my room!” I yelled back. “I’m tired of being around you guys.”

            “Sometimes you aren’t a picnic to be around either!” my mom yelled back.

            “How would you know? You are never home and you never came to see me this last year!”

            “Ok,” Amanda said, stepping in, “I think you two need to separate. I will be with Allison, Mom,” Amanda said as she grabbed my plate, put it on my lap, and then pushed me off to my room.

            “I think what you said was a little uncalled for,” Amanda said calmly as she sat down in my old desk chair.

            “What do you mean?” I asked honestly as I started eating my dinner.

            “You shouldn’t have mentioned the fact that you should be dead or suicide. You’re scaring Mom.”

            “I didn’t mean what I said. I was just angry.”

            “Can you keep a secret?” Amanda asked suddenly.

            “What’s that?”

            “I have decided to let you go to this youth group thing.”

            “Why? How? You know Mom said I couldn’t go.”         

            “When is she ever here to know if you go?”

            “That’s right!” I said excitedly.

            “So what is the plan?”

            “I will tell Mrs. Lyons that you have permission to go to youth group with your friend and that afterwards they will bring you home. You will be home before Mom even gets home from work.”

            “I love you!” I said as I gave Amanda a hug.

            “It’s our secret though.”

            “Don’t worry. I won’t tell.”

 

Chapter 6

 

            The next day Amanda told Mrs. Lyons that I was getting a ride from Kelsie. I was so excited to be going to youth group.

            “Well, are you ready to go?” Kelsie asked me as she came up to my locker that afternoon.

            “I’ve been ready to go all day!” I said excitedly.

            “Then let’s go,” she said and I started following her out to the parking lot.

            “This is so exciting!” I replied as we got to her car.

            “Do you need any help or anything?” Kelsie asked, trying not to be too direct about the fact that I am in a wheelchair.

            “I can handle this,” I said. “Would you mind just putting my chair in the back once I get out?”

            “Sure.”

            I got into the car and then Kelsie put my wheelchair in the backseat and we were off.

            “Is it ever a pain to be in a wheelchair?” Kelsie asked.

            “You have no idea,” I agreed.

            “What’s probably the worst part?”

            “Probably the fact that I used to be able to walk. I know what it is like to be on the other side.” I wanted to say that the worst part was the fact that I did this to myself on purpose but I didn’t want her asking a lot of questions.

            “Were you in a car accident?” Kelsie asked.

            “What?” I asked as I was drug away from my thoughts.

            “I’m sorry; you don’t have to answer anything. I was just being curious.”

            “Yeah, I was in a car accident,” I admitted as we pulled into the church parking lot. “Could you not say anything about it though?”

            “Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me.”

            “Thanks.”

            “That’s what friends are for,” she said as she got my wheelchair out of the back.

            I got into my chair and then followed her inside. Once inside, I realized there were probably about forty high schoolers all there. Everyone was sitting around tables drinking red juice and talking to each other.

            “Do you want something to drink?” Kelsie asked after we waved hello to Erika, Andrea, and Violet.

            “Sure.”

            “I’ll go get us some. Why don’t you go sit down?”

            I rolled up to the table where Erika, Andrea and Violet and two other girls were sitting. Once they saw me coming, they pulled one of the chairs away so that I could have a spot.

            “I’m Lily,” one of the girls introduced herself.

            “I’m Julie,” the other girl said.

            “I’m Allison,” I replied.

            “So are you new to town?” Julie asked.

            “No, I just transferred schools.”

            “Is this your first time at this church?”

            “Yeah.”

            “And she is really excited too,” Kelsie replied as she put down a glass in front of me.

            “Thanks, Kelsie.”

            “No problem,” she said quickly. “And she wouldn’t quit talking about it all day,” she said, continuing with her conversation.

            “How long have you been a Christian?” Lily asked.

            “Actually, I am not a Christian,” I admitted.

            “I’m sorry. I thought you were since you were so excited to come.”

            “So do you see yourself giving your life to God soon?” Julie asked.

            “I don’t think God wants me to,” I said as a young guy approached our table.

            “Hi, I’m Ryan,” the guy said as he held out his hand. “I’m the youth leader here at First Christian. I don’t believe I have ever seen you here before.”

            “I’m Allison Reed,” I said as I shook his hand.

            “I’m glad you could come today, Allison. I hope you have a good time and come back again. If you ever need anything, please feel free to ask.”

            “Thanks,” I said.

            Ryan turned away then. “Ok guys, today we are going to hear Leah’s testimony. As you know, she has made the choice to become baptized on Sunday and she has decided to share what led up to her decision to become part of God’s family. So everyone, here is Leah.”

            Leah was already standing in front of the room but everyone applauded for her anyway.

            “Ok, that’s enough guys,” Leah said as she started blushing.

            “Stop it everyone,” a guy yelled and everyone laughed.

            “I grew up in a Christian family,” Leah said. “We went to church and Sunday School every Sunday. I also prayed every night. I was a good person. I messed up but it wasn’t anything that I considered too terrible, like murder. I thought that automatically made me a Christian and because of that, I was going to go to Heaven.

            “One day, I was reading these fiction Christian books and I realized that I wasn’t a Christian. The characters in this book said a person had to give their life to God. I realized that I hadn’t done that. Sure, I believed but that was about it. God was not a part of my life outside of church, and even then, there at church, I hardly ever paid attention.

            “I tried giving my life to God after I read those books, but I wasn’t ready. I continued in the same matter that I had been before I read the books. I figured that I would give my life to God when I was ready.

            “One day, I got a call saying that my brother had been in a tornado. He was lucky to be alive but he was fine. After that happened, I realized that God was working in my life. Every night in my prayers I would ask God to keep my family safe. It was obvious that He was listening to my prayers. Unfortunately though, I still wasn’t able to give my life to God.

            “Not long after that, I lost my grandma in a car accident. It was the first time I had ever lost someone I was close to. All of a sudden, death became so real for me. I realized that time is so short. I was afraid that I would run out of time and then I wouldn’t get to live with God forever. I decided a few months after that that I was ready to give my life to God,” Leah said with a big smile.

            Everyone started clapping after that so I joined in with them.

            “Even though I am now a Christian, I still make lots of mistakes. I’m a sinner and I mess up all the time. Now though, I am forgiven.”

            “Thank you so much, Leah,” Ryan said as she took a seat. “We all have our own story of how God became a part of our life. It is important to see that we are all sinners but God still wants us. Now, I will see you next week in church.”

            “So what did you think?” Kelsie asked. “Do you want to go to church on Sunday? I can give you a ride.”

            “I would love to come to church with you,” I replied.

            Just then I thought I saw somebody I recognized from my old school. I didn’t want to talk to them. I wasn’t ready for a big discussion about what I had been doing with my life.

            “Are you ready to go?” I asked Kelsie as I started heading for the door.

            On the way home, Kelsie was going on about something but I wasn’t really listening. I wanted to become a Christian, just like everyone else. Leah made it sound like it was a really happy thing.

            Another thought was creeping into my head though. Leah and everyone else may have sinned, but they didn’t try to kill themselves.

 

Chapter 7

 

            “So what did you think of youth group?” Andrea asked me the next day.

            “I really liked it. I can’t wait to go next week. I’m also really excited for church.”

            “First Christian is just amazing,” Erika said. “Once I started going there, I gave my life to God a few weeks later.”

            “What is your testimony?” I asked Erika.

            “It isn’t anything like Leah’s,” Erika replied. “There aren’t a lot of details.”

            “Share it anyway,” Andrea demanded.

            “But everyone already knows it except Allison.”

            “And since Allison is not a Christian, isn’t she the one that needs to hear it the most?”

            “Ok, I wasn’t a Christian before I came to this school. I went out and partied every night. I drank and had lots of boyfriends. One day, I thought I was pregnant. Thankfully it turned out that I wasn’t. I transferred here shortly after that and Kelsie invited me to go to church. I realized that I had been a terrible person. I surrendered my life to God and gave up my sinful life. The end.”

            “Thank you for being so honest,” I said, surprised by what she had told me.          

            “It’s the story of how God and I became best friends. I want you to have the same relationship with me.”

            “I don’t think God wants me to have a relationship with Him,” I said.

            “Of course He does.”

            “No, I have been a terrible person.”

            “Oh come on,” Andrea said. “I just told you that I was a partier and that I thought I was pregnant. The good thing about God though, is that it doesn’t matter what you did. He sent His Son to forgive us. We are all forgiven.”

            “I don’t think I can be,” I insisted.

            “Have you ever heard of the Romans Road?” Violet asked.

            “The Romans Road?” I asked in confusion.

            “The Romans Road is a way to explain the good news from the book of Romans,” Erika said. “It explains why we need salvation, how God gave it to us, how we can receive His salvation, and what the results are for us.”

            “I will read it to you,” Violet said as she pulled out a small Bible from her pocket. “Romans 3:23 says, ‘For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.’ This means that we are all doing things that are not pleasing to God.”

            Erika also pulled out her small Bible. “Romans 6:23 says, ‘For the wage of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.’ This means that because we have sinned, we are going to die.”

            “But Romans 5:8 says, “But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.’ This means that Jesus paid for our sins.”

            “So in Romans 10:9 it says, ‘That if you confess with your mouth Jesus as Lord, and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved.’ All you have to do is believe and make Him part of your life and you will be saved.”

            “Romans 8:1 says, ‘Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.’ We will not be condemned because of our sins.”

            “Finally in Romans 8:38-39 it says, ‘For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height or depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.’”

            “You don’t have to give your life right away,” Kelsie said. “I know this all seems like a lot right now. You can have time to think it over. We will be praying for you though.”

            “I will think it over. Thanks for telling me all that.”

            “If you have any questions, you can ask any of us or talk to Ryan. He helped me give my life to God,” Andrea said.

            “Thanks.”

 

Chapter 8

 

            After school I was struggling to do my Algebra homework. It would help if I wasn’t so far behind. After awhile, I decided I needed a break. I put aside my homework and started heading to the kitchen to get a snack.

            “Where are you going?” Amanda asked as she looked up from the paper she was typing on her laptop.

            “I’m just going to get a snack. I will be gone less then thirty seconds. You can trust me.”

            “Fine, hurry back.”

            I grabbed a box of crackers and put them in a bowl on my lap and then I headed back into the living room.

            “Are you done with your homework?” Amanda asked.

            “I finished as much as I could.”

            “I guess I never asked you yesterday how youth group went,” Amanda said.

            “It was a lot of fun. They even invited me to go to church.”

            “Good luck with that. You know Mom won’t be at work on Sunday.”

            “She hasn’t even said no yet. I haven’t asked her.”

            “What do you expect her to say?”

            “I expect her to say no. I will never know for sure though unless I try.”

            “Wait a minute! Mom does her grocery shopping Sunday morning and we all know she sneaks into the office to do some work as well.”

            “That’s perfect. I will be able to sneak out and she will never know. Thanks Amanda.”

            “Anytime.”

            “Can I ask you something Amanda?”

            “What’s that?”

            “Are you a Christian?”

            “I guess I never really thought about it.”

            “So I will take that as a no.”

            “No, I think I would say that I am a Christian. I believe in God. I just don’t pray or go to church.”

            “I don’t think that means you are a Christian though,” I said.

            “Why not?”

            “I kind of think being a Christian means that you have to give your life to God. Since you don’t pray or do any other forms of worship, you don’t spend anytime with God. That means there is no way that you could have given your life to God.”

            “Oh, so I suppose you are the right kind of Christian?” Amanda asked somewhat angrily.

            “Oh I know I’m not a Christian. I messed up way too bad to be ever let into Heaven. It is too bad I didn’t think about that before. I would really have liked to have been a Christian.”

            “If you know that you’re not going to get to go to Heaven, then why are you going to church and youth group?”

            “I don’t know,” I admitted.

            “I think you seriously don’t know if you can become a Christian,” Amanda sort of accused. “I think you are looking for answers that you are forgiven for trying to kill yourself.”

            “Maybe you’re right,” I admitted.

            “Let me know when you find your answers.”

            “Do we even have a Bible?” I asked.

            “I have never seen one around here.”

            “Will you take me to get one someday?”

            “Maybe this weekend when I get off of work I can pick one up for you.”

            “Thanks.”

            Just then my mom came in through the door. I decided to ask right away if I could go to church even though I knew what she would say.

            “Hey Mom, a friend invited me to go to church with them on Sunday. She offered to give me a ride. Is it all right if I go?”

            “Absolutely not,” my mom replied. “You may look at this girl as one of your friends but you have only known her for two days.”

            “Mom, if she is offering to take me to church, she must be a nice person.”

            “You know that I’m only trying to be nice. There is another reason why I say you can’t go. Do you want me to tell you what it is?”

            “No thanks, Mom. You made yourself clear.”

            “What’s with this interest in religion?”

            “Don’t you care about what is going to happen to you after you die?”

            “When I die I’m going to have a funeral and that is going to be the end. Why do you care about what happens when you die? Surely after what you did a year ago you really don’t care about what happens.” My mom was starting to sound annoyed and angry.

            Behind my mom, Amanda was mouthing the words ‘walk away.’

            “I need some help with my homework,” I told Amanda. “Would you mind coming to my room to help me?”
            “Sure Allison.”

            We went into my room. We both knew that we wouldn’t be doing homework.

            “She makes me so mad sometimes,” I said. “I’m never going to talk to her again.”

            “She makes me mad too. You know, she blames me for what you did.”

            “Then why does she trust you?”

            “She can’t find anyone else to babysit you. Everyone else has told her that she should just trust you otherwise you might just end up trying it again.”      

            “I’m getting tired of this whole trust thing.”

            “Me too.”

 

Chapter 9

 

            “Now, I told Mom that you and I were going to see a movie,” Amanda told me Sunday morning after my mom had left to do her shopping. “So when you get back, I will be waiting for you a couple of blocks away. I will see you pass by and then I will meet up with you back here. Hopefully Mom won’t notice that you arrive with your friend.”

            “Thanks, Amanda.”

            “You had better be thankful. I went to a lot of work to carry this off.”

            “Thanks for trusting me.”

            Just then there was a knock on the door.

            “That must be Kelsie,” I said. “I will see you later, Amanda.”

            “I will see you when you get home,” she replied.

            “Good morning,” I greeted Kelsie as I opened the door.

            “Good morning. I’m really glad you could come.”

            “Thanks for inviting me and giving me a ride.”

            “Anytime,” she said with a smile as we went out to her car.

            “I’m really excited!” I told her as we headed to church.

            “Wait until you hear Pastor Joe speak. He is amazing.”

            We pulled into the parking lot and Kelsie helped me out. Then we went inside.

            “Good morning,” a man said as we entered the church. He shook my hand and then handed me a paper. “Good morning, Kelsie,” he said as he shook her hand.

            “It’s good to see you, Phil,” she said.

            We walked farther into the church and I noticed a lot of people just standing around talking.

            “We can go take a seat,” Kelsie said as she led me into the sanctuary.

            “Good morning, Allison,” Erika greeted me from the middle of the church.

            “Do you want to go sit with them?” Kelsie asked me.

            “Sure,” I replied.

            “Are you going to want to sit in a chair or will you be all right in the aisle?” Andrea asked me when we approached them.

            “I can sit in the aisle,” I said.

            “It’s good to see you again, Allison,” Ryan said.

            “I’m glad to be here,” I said.

            “Are you going to come to youth group on Wednesday?” Ryan asked.

            “As of right now, yes.”

            “We love to have you,” he said before he moved on to talk to someone else.

            A few minutes later Ryan came up front with a guitar. A couple of people filed on behind them and positioned themselves at the microphones.

            “I will have everyone stand so that we can worship our wonderful Lord.”

            We all stood and sang a song about how we were ready to worship. The words were on the screen in front of us. After we got done with that song we greeted the people around us.

            “I’m Angela,” a young woman said as she shook my hand. “Are you new here? I don’t believe I’ve ever seen you here before.”

            “I’m Allison,” I told her.

            Once we got done greeting the people around us, we sang a song about how God won’t relent until we gave Him everything. The last song we sang talked about how amazing God is. After we got done singing, Pastor Joe got up front and started talking.

            Kelsie was right when she said that Joe was an amazing speaker. He was speaking about God’s promises. He would read a bit from the book of Genesis and then he would talk about it and talk about other verses that dealt with what he was talking about. I noticed that the paper I had been given when I first arrived had the verses that Joe was talking about so that we could look at them later for reference.

            After that, Leah and Ryan talked about baptism. Leah and Ryan left after they talked and came back a few minutes later, changed into shorts and a t-shirt. They went into the pool of water in front of the church. Ryan then asked if Leah accepted Christ as her Lord and Savior and when she said she did, Ryan dunked her under the water.

            “So what did you think?” Violet asked when the service got over.

            I was still wide eyed from Joe talking about God’s amazing promises and from Leah’s baptism. “I loved it,” I managed to say.

            “You had better come back next week,” Kelsie said with a laugh. “You’re only seeing the beginning of God’s wonders.”

            “I can’t wait,” I said.

            On the way home, I was still thinking about the sermon and applying it to what my friends had told me about the Romans Road last week. Maybe God really did want me to live with Him forever. Maybe He would be willing to forgive me for the terrible thing I had done.

            I still wasn’t sure but I figured I should probably talk it over with someone and do a lot more thinking about it.

 

Chapter 10

           

            A couple days later I was sitting in Algebra, about to get my first test back. I was very nervous to see it. I knew that I hadn’t done that great a job because I hadn’t understood all the problems. I was hoping that I could at least pass the test though.

            “Allison,” the teacher called and I went up front to retrieve my test.

            I looked down at my test and saw all the red. I looked up at the top of the test and saw that I had indeed failed it. I had failed it miserably.

            “How could you have not passed this test?” Ashley, the girl who sits next to me asked. “It was super easy.”

            “Shut up,” I replied and looked away from her.

            “Was math not this difficult at Lincoln High School,” Ashley said in a mocking voice.

            “I said shut up!” I said firmly, trying to hide the tears that were threatening.

            “Oh, the little baby is going to cry,” Ashley said in a baby voice.

            Mr. Leeds then started his lecture and Ashley finally shut up. I found that I wasn’t able to concentrate on math. I just wanted to go home, crawl up in my bed, and cry. There was no way that I would be able to do that though. When I got home Amanda was going to make me do my homework in the living room. There was no way for me to be alone until I went to bed that night.

            I was pretty much the same way in the rest of my classes that afternoon. I wasn’t able to concentrate at all.

            “Is everything all right?” Mrs. Lyons asked at the end of the day when I went to her office to wait for Amanda.

            “I’m fine,” I insisted.

            “Your teachers said you seemed a little down today.”

            “It was nothing,” I said.

            “Are you sure you don’t want to talk about it?”

            “Not especially. I already have to talk to a therapist. I really don’t want a second person to know my problems.”

            “If that is the way you feel,” Mrs. Lyons said. “But if you need to talk to someone, let me know.”

            Just then Amanda arrived and I thankfully got ready to leave with her.

            “Just a minute, Amanda,” Mrs. Lyons said. “I want to talk to you a minute alone.” 

            “I’ll go wait in the hall then,” I said, not really caring about what they were talking about.

            A minute later Amanda came out and we left. Once we got home, I got out my books and tried to do my homework but I wasn’t having any luck. I kept thinking about the Algebra test that I had failed and Ashley making fun of me for it.

            “Are you all right?” Amanda asked, interrupting me from my thoughts.

            “I’m fine,” I insisted.

            “Are you sure? You seem a little depressed.”

            “My depression is not back!” I said angrily.

            “But you aren’t able to concentrate on your homework and Mrs. Lyons heard from your teachers that you seemed a little down today.”

            “That is because I was having a bad day today. Can’t a person have a bad day without being considered depressed?”

            “Most people can have a bad day without being considered depressed,” Amanda said. “You are not like most people though. If you have a bad day, it can be the beginning of depression.”           

            “Why do you think I have to see a psychiatrist then?” I asked.

            “That reminds me, you have an appointment with Dr. Cota tomorrow.”

            “So then you will be able to believe me that I’m not depressed,” I said.

            “Or you will be able to lie to her and convince her that you aren’t depressed and you really are.”

            “Amanda, seriously, I do not want to have depression again. You don’t understand what it is like. You don’t understand how horrible it is. If I thought I was feeling depressed, I would tell the doctor so that I could get help before it is too late.”

            “That’s what I like to hear.”

            “I know you don’t believe me when I say I’m not depressed, but I’m not going to try to prove it to you. I just ask that you not tell your suspicions to Mom. She’s bad enough already and I don’t even have depression. Who knows what she will do if she thinks my depression is back.”

            “I won’t,” Amanda promised. “Just promise me that if you think your depression is coming back, you will tell someone.”

            “Don’t worry. I don’t want depression again.”

            “Thank you.”

            “Whatever,” I replied as I tried to concentrate on my homework and forget about Ashley and the test.

 

Chapter 11

           

            After school the next day I had to meet with Dr. Cota. I hadn’t actually met with Dr. Cota since I had gotten out of the hospital. While I was in rehab for my spine I met with a different doctor. Once I left rehab to get help for my depression, I had to meet with another new doctor.

            “Come on in, Allison,” Dr. Cota said after I had been waiting for a few minutes.

            I followed her into her office. I had actually never been in her office because the other times I had met with her it had been in my hospital room. Her office looked the same as my other doctors though. I sat down in one of the chairs and waited for her to start asking about my life.

            “Now, I have been talking with your other therapists so I know how you have been doing this last year.”

            “Good. Now I don’t have to explain my whole life to you again.”

            Dr. Cota smiled and then asked, “So how has life been for you since you got home?”

            “Nobody trusts me anymore,” I complained. “My mom has made it so that I’m never allowed to be alone. My sister has to pick me up after school and since she doesn’t get out of class until after my school already has gotten out, I have to wait in the counselor’s office until she arrives.

            “Also, at home I am never allowed to be alone until I go to bed. I have to be seen by someone at all times. I never have any privacy.”

            “How does that make you feel?”

            “It makes me so mad!” I said angrily.

            “Have you tried telling your mom how you feel?”

            “She won’t listen to me. She says that I have to prove myself. How am I supposed to do that when I am never left alone? She also is never home so I can’t prove to her that I am not going to kill myself.”

            “So how do you like your new school? Is everyone treating you ok? Does anyone know why you are in a wheelchair?”

            “I absolutely love my new school, most of the time. I already have friends that have invited me to youth group and church. I told one girl that the reason I was in a wheelchair was because I was in an accident. I didn’t tell her any details though. I don’t want people to know about how I tried killing myself. They would probably think I am a horrible person.”       

            “Is that how you see yourself, as a horrible person?”

            “Yeah. I realize how stupid I was being last year. I wasn’t thinking about anyone but myself. I’m not going to try to kill myself again, no matter how bad I think my life is.”

            “So do you like going to youth group and church?”

            “I absolutely love it. I will tell you something but you have got to promise that you won’t tell anyone.”       

            “What’s that?” Dr. Cota asked.

            “My mom doesn’t allow me to go to church and youth group. My friend Kelsie gives me a ride and since my mom is never home, she never knows that I left.”

            “So I take it your sister knows about this?”

            “Yeah, she is the one that came up with the plan.”

            “Why doesn’t your mom let you go?”

            “Part of her problem with trust. You have got to promise me that you won’t tell my mom what I’m doing. I love youth group and church. I have to go back.”

            “I am not going to tell her anything,” Dr. Cota replied.

            “Are you a Christian?” I asked.

            “Yes,” Dr. Cota said in surprise. “Why do you ask?”

            “Because now that I have been introduced to religion, I have been hearing a lot about surrendering my life to God. The problem is, I don’t think God wants me to go to Heaven.”

            “Why do you say that?”

            “Because I committed a terrible sin. I tried to kill myself.”

            “I’m sure God wants you to live forever with Him in Heaven. God forgives every sin. That is why He sent Jesus to die for everyone.”

            “I still don’t think I belong in God’s family.”

            “If you feel that way, why are you going to church?” Dr. Cota asked.

            “I’m not sure,” I said.

            “Maybe you should talk to a pastor or somebody that is knowledgeable about this stuff. They would probably be able to answer your questions better than I can.”

            “Maybe I will have to do that,” I said.

            “Tell me how that goes. I will be praying for you.”

            “Thanks.”

            “I will see you again next week.”

 

Chapter 12

 

            On Wednesday I went back to youth group without even asking my mom for permission this time. I knew that she would say no if I asked anyway.

            “It’s good to see you again,” Lily said when Kelsie and I joined her and Julie at the table.

            “I really enjoy coming,” I said.

            “So do I. This is the highlight of my week.”

            “Hey everyone!” Andrea said as she, Erika, and Violet joined us.

            “Hello,” Julie said.

            “Did you hear that we are going to have a mission trip next month?” Andrea asked.

            “Where are we going this time?” Erika asked.

            “We’re going to a woman’s shelter. I think it will be exciting.”

            “That does sound exciting,” Julie said. “I just love going on mission trips.”

            “Are you going to go on the trip?” Lily asked me.

            “I don’t know yet. I need a lot of details before I know if I can go.”

            “Ryan should tell us about it today,” Violet said as Ryan came up to the front of the room.

            “Today we are going to do something a little different,” he said as he started passing out note cards to each table. “I’m putting note cards with Bible verses on the tables. I want everyone to take a card and explain to everyone else what that verse means to them. If someone else also wants to talk about another card, they are more then welcome.”

            Erika picked up the cards and started passing them around. I took mine and started reading it.

            “For God so loved the world, that He gave His one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life. John 3:16.”

            I thought about this verse. According to it, I was automatically saved if I just believed. It said nothing about how you could only live in Heaven if you had a perfect record. It didn’t say anything about how bad the sins were.

            I listened to Julie explain Matthew 28:19 about how we are suppose to go tell everyone about what Jesus has done for us.

            “Are you ready to go?” Julie asked me when she got done.

            “I have John 3:16,” I replied.

            “You have a famous verse,” Erika replied.

            “I think this verse is saying that anybody can have eternal life. All they have to do is believe. It doesn’t matter how good of person you are while on earth or what sins you have committed. All you have to do is believe.”

            “I just love John 3:16,” Andrea said.

            After that, the other girls started explaining their verses but I sort of quit listening. I was still thinking about my verse. I really needed to get a Bible. I needed to hear more of God’s wonderful words. Maybe if I learned more about God, I would be able to give my life to God.

            “How are you doing, Allison?” a girl asked me as she approached me after we got done, interrupting my thoughts.

            I stared at the girl. This girl was Cami Shell; the girl I had seen last week that I knew went to my old school. I didn’t exactly want to talk to her. I didn’t want her asking a bunch of questions.

            “Hi, Cami,” I replied.

            Just then Miranda Valentine, a friend of Cami’s, came up to me. That would explain how Kelsie knew her.

            “How are you doing?” Miranda asked excitedly as she awkwardly gave me a hug. “I haven’t seen you in over a year.”

            “I’m doing fine,” I said as I faked enthusiasm.

            “So what happened?” Cami asked. “Did you move?”

            “I go to Star View School now,” I replied, knowing that this was just the start of the questions.

            “So what happened to you?” Miranda asked.

            “Car accident,” I replied.

            “Oh my gosh!” Cami said. “Will you be in a wheelchair for the rest of your life?”

            “Unfortunately,” I said.

            “Did somebody do this to you?” Miranda asked.

            “No, I was at fault,” I admitted.

            “So is this why you didn’t return to school?” Cami asked as Kelsie came up to me.

            “Yeah,” I replied. “My mom thought I should start over and change schools.”

            “I wish you really would have come back. We really miss you.”

            “I really like my new school though. I met Kelsie and her friends. They are really nice to me.”

            “We should really get together again,” Miranda said. “I know that there are some other girls that would really like to see you.”

            “I’m having a small get together at my house in a few weeks,” Kelsie said. “If you tell me who to invite, I could send them invitations.”

            “Would you really?” Miranda asked excitedly. “Are you coming, Allison?”

            “I hadn’t heard anything about it,” I said.

            “It isn’t going to be a big party. I’m just inviting some of the girls from church. My parents will be home and everything.”

            “I will have to talk to my mom,” I replied.

            “Let me know soon,” Kelsie said.

            “I will talk to you later,” Cami said before she left with Miranda.

            “So how did you like youth group today?” Ryan asked as he approached.

            “I loved it!” I replied. “I wish I could come everyday.”

            “I wish we could have youth group everyday too,” Ryan said with a laugh. “Spending time with the Lord and learning more about Him is great!”

            “I couldn’t agree with you more.”

            “I will see you next week then,” Ryan said as he moved on to talk to a couple of guys.

 

Chapter 13

 

            I continued to go to church and youth group, thanks to Amanda’s help in sneaking me out. Other than that, I had to spend my days doing my homework while being watched by Amanda.

            One day after school, Amanda presented me with a Bible.

            “I picked this up for you at a bookstore,” she said.

            “Thanks so much, Amanda!” I said excitedly. “I can’t wait to read this!”

            “You really like this religion thing, don’t you?”

            “Yeah,” I replied. “I’m starting to think that maybe I have a chance to go to Heaven. Yeah, what I did was absolutely horrible, but that doesn’t matter. Jesus died to forgive all my sins. As long as I believe, I can probably be saved. I want to read more in the Bible to make sure that there is nothing else I need to do to be forgiven.”

            “I think this is all very good for you. You haven’t been depressed at all since you got home. I want to apologize for accusing you of having depression that one day,” Amanda said.

            “Apology accepted,” I replied.

            “I realize everyone is allowed to have a bad day.”

            “I was just having a bad day,” I admitted. “I failed a test and then someone made fun of me for it. It wasn’t a good day at all.”

            “You are being really honest,” Amanda noticed.

            “Why should I be?”

            “I thought you didn’t like people knowing what you were feeling.”

            “I don’t like people knowing how I’m feeling because if they knew I was depressed, they would just tell me to get over it. It isn’t that easy though. My psychiatrist has even said that depression is not something that is caused by a lack in will power or weakness. Many people think that because they don’t understand depression.”

            “I know I certainly didn’t understand when I first found out that you had depression. I couldn’t understand why anyone would go as far as to try to take their own life. I still don’t fully understand because I have never gone through depression.”

            “I hope you never do go through it either,” I replied. “I don’t care if you don’t fully understand what I’m feeling at times. I would never wish depression on my worst enemy.”

            “It’s that horrible, is it?”

            “Absolutely,” I agreed. “The consequences aren’t much better either.”

            “But you know what?”

            “What?”

            “I trust you completely.”

            “Do you really?” I asked excitedly. “Then why don’t you let me be alone?”

            “The only reason I don’t let you go to your room and be by yourself right now is because Mom has a very unpredictable work schedule. She could be home at anytime and then she would realize that you were alone and then I would be in huge trouble.

            “Besides, I have shown that I trust you. I let you go to church and youth group every week.”

            “I really appreciate that,” I replied. “I’m also glad that you trust me completely now.”

            “You are welcome.”

            “So now that you trust me completely, can I go to a party at Kelsie’s house this weekend?”

            “What kind of party?” Amanda asked hesitantly.

            “It is just going to be a few girls from church at Kelsie’s house. Her parents are even going to be there.”

            “I don’t know, Allison. This isn’t about trust because of your depression. This is a party we are talking about.”

            “It is just going to be a few girls hanging out though,” I protested. “There isn’t going to be drugs or alcohol.”

            “How about if I call Kelsie’s parents just for a little more information?” Amanda finally said. “If I decide that it is all right for you to go, I will tell Mom that we are going to the movies. I will drop you off at Kelsie’s house and then I will actually go to the movies. I will pick you up later and Mom will never know.”

            “Thanks so much, Amanda!” I said excitedly as I gave her a hug.

            “I haven’t even said yes yet,” Amanda warned.

            “But you are giving me a chance!” I said.

 

Chapter 14

 

            “I will pick you up at eleven,” Amanda said as she dropped me off at Kelsie’s house. “If you need me, I will be at the movies but I will have my cell phone.”

            “Thanks,” I said as she helped me out.

            “No problem,” she said before she pulled away.

            I went up to the front door very excited. I couldn’t believe that Amanda and I had snuck out again. My mom was spending the evening at home so Amanda and I told her that we were going out for the night.

            “I’m so glad you came!” Kelsie said excitedly as she threw open the door before I had a chance to knock.

            “Thanks so much for inviting me,” I replied.

            “Come on in,” Kelsie replied. “You are the last person to arrive.”

            I went inside and saw Andrea, Erika, and Violet talking to Miranda and Cami. Julie and Lily were also there talking with three girls that I knew from my old school.

            “I’m guessing you know Kayla, Tiffany, and Eliza,” Kelsie said.

            “Of course I do,” I said, surprised that I was actually glad to see them.

            Kayla, Tiffany, and Eliza had been some of my best friends at Star View School. That is, they were my best friends. After awhile, they quit talking to me. I had depression at that time even if they didn’t know it and I didn’t want to be around them anyway.

            I wondered if they had forgiven me and were ready to talk to me. They had come to the hospital to see my twice. The first time I was unconscious so I don’t remember it. The second time they came to see me I was awake but they only stayed a few minutes. I think they just wanted to make sure that I was going to survive.

            “It’s so good to see you again!” Kayla exclaimed when she saw me. She came up to me and gave me a big hug.

            “I’m glad to see you too,” I said as I returned the hug.

            “So you are going to Star View School now?” Tiffany asked.

            “Yeah,” I replied, not sure how far this conversation was going to go.

            “Why? You should have come back to Lincoln. We really miss you.”

            “My mom wanted me to start over,” I said.

            “Start over? Because you are in a wheelchair? That’s crazy!” Kayla said.

            “I had no say in the matter.”

            “Well now that you are coming to our church, we will be able to see each other more often.”

            “Yeah,” I replied.

            “Who’s ready for games?” Kelsie asked then.

            “What are we going to play?” Violet asked.

            “I thought that we would start with this family game,” Kelsie replied. “I don’t know exactly what it is called but I played it at camp once.”

            “How do we play?” Miranda asked.

            “I’m going to give everyone a piece of paper,” she said as she passed out paper and pens. “I want everyone to write the name of a person on the paper. It can be any name. It can be fictional or real. After that, I’m going to read the names and then we are going to go around the circle and try to guess who is who. When a person guesses right, the person they guessed will become part of their family. The object of the game is to not be guessed.”     

            We were silent for a minute as we decided who we were going to be. I finally decided on Cinderella. I wrote my name down and then put the paper in the hat that Kelsie was passing around.

            “Ok, I’m going to read the names now,” Kelsie replied after everyone had passed in their paper. “Everyone needs to be quiet.”

            “Will you read through the names again after this?” Cami asked.

            “No, so you need to try to remember them all.”

            “This is going to be hard,” Miranda said.

            “Cinderella,  Taylor Swift, Harry Potter, Barbie, Jennifer Aniston, Belle, Miranda Valentine, Tom Cruise, Hannah Montana, George W. Bush, Mrs. Lyons, and Sarah Palin.”

            Once she got done, everyone started laughing about some of the names. I thought that they were pretty hilarious myself.

            “Why don’t you go first, Andrea?” Kelsie said.

            “Erika, are you Tom Cruise?” Andrea asked.

            “How did you know?” Erika asked with a laugh.

            “Because you have a huge poster of him on the back of your bedroom door.”

            “Now you need to sit by Andrea, Erika. You are part of her family now. You can help with the guessing now.”

            Violet went next. “Miranda, are you Miranda Valentine?”

            “Technically, I am Miranda Valentine. But for this game, I am not Miranda Valentine.”

            Just then Kelsie’s mom came in the room. “Allison, your mom is here to see you.”

            My breathing stopped and I felt my face pale. “Thank you,” I finally replied as I followed her to the door.

            “Allison needs to go home,” my mom said sweetly to Kelsie’s mom.

            “Thanks for coming, Allison,” Kelsie’s mom replied. “I hope you can come again.”

            “Thanks for inviting me,” I said before I followed my mom outside.

            My mom waited to yell at me until we were in the car with the doors shut.

            “How dare you disobey me!” my mom yelled angrily. “I made the rule about you never being alone to protect you. This is some way to repay me!”

            “I wasn’t alone!” I yelled back. “Amanda dropped me off and I have been with my friends the rest of the time.”

            “Your friends would let you go off by yourself though. They aren’t going to follow the rules I have for you.”

            “Well, I have proved that you can trust me. I could have easily gone off alone at Kelsie’s house. But you know what? I didn’t. I’m still alive.”

            “That’s not the point. You have not proven that I can trust you. You snuck out of the house.”

            “When am I ever going to get your trust? You are never home! You care so much about keeping me alive, yet you are never there with me. What does it matter to you if I stay alive?”

            “I don’t see why I don’t send you to boarding school right now!” my mom yelled as we got home.

            “I don’t see why you don’t either!” I yelled back as we went inside. “You don’t care about spending time with me. As long as I stay alive, that’s all that’s important to you.” I went into my room.

            “You come back here young lady! You know you aren’t supposed to be alone!”

            “I’m going to bed!” I yelled back.

            I just sat on my bed and stared at the wall. I was so mad at my mom right now. I had no idea how she found out either.

            I was starting to hate my life again. Actually, I wouldn’t exactly call it my life. I had no life. All I had were rules that allowed me no freedom.

            Just then I heard someone come through the front door. My mom started yelling right away so I figured it must be Amanda.

            I didn’t listen to her being yelled at so I was very surprised when she came into my room.

            “I want to apologize for what happened,” Amanda said.

            “What happened?” I asked.

            “Mom went to the same movie that I went to. When she didn’t see you, she realized that we were sneaking around.”

            “There’s nothing to apologize for,” I said honestly.

            “So are you in big trouble?”

            “I got yelled at. I don’t think Mom wants to punish me though. I think she is afraid that if she punishes me then I might hate my life and try to end it. I don’t see why she didn’t punish me. I don’t think my life can get any worse.”

            “I am sure things will look better in the morning. I still trust you. I will let you go to youth group on Wednesday.”

            “Good night, Amanda,” I said with a yawn.

            “Good night, Allison.”

 

Chapter 15

 

            It wasn’t long after that when my depression came back. I was no longer interested in going to youth group or church but I had no choice. Amanda just figured that I wanted to go and I didn’t tell her what was going on even though I knew that she knew I was depressed. She knew because I was having trouble concentrating on my homework and I no longer wanted to get up in the morning.

            I was also lying to my new friends. I didn’t want to lose them because I knew eventually I would get over my depression and I still wanted them to be there when I got better. So I faked happiness just so that they would stay. I still think they knew something had changed though.

            That Wednesday I went to youth group like always. I faked a smile and greeted Julie and Lily. I answered all their questions, lying about how I was doing.

            Once Ryan began speaking, I wasn’t able to pay attention. I just thought about how awful my life has been since I got home. Sure, I met my Kelsie and her friends and got to go to church and youth group, but my mom still made my life horrible.

            All of a sudden, Ryan was done speaking and people were getting up and leaving.

            Kelsie was talking to Erika and I was just staring off into space.

            “Can I talk to you, Allison?” Ryan asked as he came up to me.

            “It better be quick,” I said, wondering what in the world Ryan wanted to talk to me about. “I’m getting a ride home with Kelsie.”

            “Take all the time you need,” Kelsie said as she turned away from Erika. “I volunteered to help Eliza with Sunday School next week and we need to go through the workbook together.”

            “This shouldn’t take too long,” Ryan said.

            “Fine,” I said as I followed him out of the room and into the sanctuary.

            Ryan sat down in one of the chairs and I parked myself diagonally from his seat so that we could look at each other.

            “I wondered if everything was all right,” Ryan asked gently. “I have noticed this week and last week that you seemed a little down. Your friends also told me that they are worried about you.”

            I had no idea what to say. I could tell him that I had depression and risk having my friends and my mom and sister find out or I could tell him that I was absolutely fine. Something was telling me that I should be honest though. I couldn’t live with depression, I have proven that before. I decided that I was going to talk to him. I didn’t want to lose the life that I had managed to put together now.

            “I have depression,” I said slowly.

            “I thought so,” Ryan said gently. “The way your friends were describing you, I thought it sounded like you were depressed but trying to hide it.”

            “I don’t want people to know.”

            “Why not? Don’t you want help?”

            “I do want help,” I insisted. “You have no idea about what I am capable of. I just don’t want to chase my friends away. I also don’t want my mom and sister to know.”

            “Why don’t you want your mom to know?”

            “My mom would freak out if she knew.”

            “You have had depression before, haven’t you? Have you had thoughts of death?”

            “Yes,” I said, wondering how much I should tell him.

            “Are you having thoughts of death right now?”

            “Not right now. I told myself that I shouldn’t be selfish. I told myself that I need to think of my sister. But I’m afraid that I might eventually though.”

            “How have you dealt with your depression in the past?”

            “I took my car, didn’t wear my seatbelt, went superfast, and went into a ravine,” I said, surprised at how honest I was being.

            “You didn’t succeed though.”

            “I survived three times because of that accident. First, I didn’t die like I was supposed to in the accident. Second, someone saw the accident happen and was able to call 911. Third, I was in a coma but I managed to live.”

            “When did this happen?”

            “It happened a little over a year ago. Once I got out of the hospital I was sent to a rehabilitation clinic since I was paralyzed from the accident. Then, once I got out of there, I had to go to another rehab place for my depression. I spent a long time there because my mom wasn’t ready to have me go home.”

            “How has life been since you got home?”

            “It hasn’t exactly been easy. My mom decided that I should switch schools so that I could have a fresh start. That’s how I met Kelsie and was invited to youth group and church. But the worst part has been the whole trust issue. My mom doesn’t like for me to be left alone. I have to constantly be in the presence of my sister because my mom is a workaholic and never home.

            “My sister has at least started trusting me. I actually don’t have permission to be here right now. If my mom knew I was here, she would be very mad.”

            “What has your relationship with the Lord been like?”

            “I’m not a Christian,” I admitted. “I really want to be, but I’m not sure if the Lord wants me. I committed a horrible sin. I tried to kill myself. I don’t think God wants me.”

            “Haven’t you been paying attention to what we have been talking about today?”

            “I have depression. I lack the ability to concentrate.”

            “John 3:16 says that anyone who believes in Him will have eternal life.”

            “I had that verse a couple of weeks ago when you passed out the note cards.”

            “Don’t you believe it?”

            “I do, I think. I got a Bible. I was reading it until I got depressed.”

            “You should continue reading it. There is a lot that will be able to help you.”

            “Once I pull out of this, I might start reading again.”

            “Are you seeing a counselor?”

            “I have to see a psychiatrist twice a week.”

            “Let that person know that you are depressed. They know how to help you. In the meantime, I will be praying for you.”

            “Thanks.”

 

Chapter 16

 

            “Good afternoon, Allison,” Dr. Cota said the next afternoon at my appointment. “How are things going?”

            I thought about what I should tell her. Ryan said that I should be honest and let her know that I was depressed. I did want help. I don’t trust myself not to do something stupid. I don’t want to have to live with depression. But Dr. Cota could have me admitted to the hospital again for help. I didn’t want to go back to rehab. I wanted to stay here. I wanted to enjoy spending time with my new friends. I wanted to enjoy youth group and church. I wanted the Lord to become a part of my life.

            “I think I am depressed again,” I said honestly.

            “Do you really?” Dr. Cota asked seriously.

            “I don’t enjoy going to youth group anymore. I am not able to concentrate on my homework or people speaking. I’m also feeling sad all the time.”

            “What do you think is causing your depression?”

            “I noticed it come back shortly after my mom and I had an argument.”

            “What was the argument about?”

            “Amanda helped me sneak out of the house one weekend so that I could go to my friend’s house. We told my mom that we were going to the movies. Amanda dropped me off and actually went to the movies. The only problem is my mom went to the same movie.

            “My mom came to my friend’s house to get me and we had a big argument afterwards. She threatened to send me to boarding school and I asked why she just didn’t go ahead and do it. She is never home. She imposed all these rules for me to keep me alive but she is never home and doesn’t spend anytime with me.”

            “Have you tried telling your mom that you don’t like all the rules?”

            “Only through arguing. My mom says that I have to prove myself before she will trust me. She is never home though for me to prove myself. Amanda trusts me though. That is why she let me go to my friend’s house.”

            “I think you and your mom need to talk about these issues. She is the only one that can really help you with this.”

            “Can’t you talk to her? You can tell her that I’m absolutely fine and that she can trust me.”

            “But you aren’t absolutely fine. You just told me that your depression is back.”

            “You can’t tell her that though. She will just have you put me back in rehab. I don’t want to go back.”

            “Do you trust yourself not to make the same mistake as before?”

            “No,” I said honestly.

            “You don’t?”

            “I’m not thinking about death right now, if that’s what you mean. I’m just afraid that in the future I might start feeling suicidal and that I might do something stupid. That’s the way it happened last time.”

            “I’m glad you are being honest with me, Allison,” Dr. Cota replied. “I wouldn’t be able to help you if you weren’t being honest.”

            “Can’t you just write me a prescription and I will see you next week?”

            “I’m not going to write you a prescription.”

            “You aren’t going to tell my mom that I’m depressed, are you?” I asked desperately. “You don’t understand. She cannot know.”

            “How about you tell me how you think we should deal with your depression? We already know what you are capable of.”

            “I already suggested a prescription.”

            “How about another suggestion?”

            “I don’t have anything.”

            “I already told you what I think you should do.”

            “What, talk to my mom about my feelings? Isn’t that what you are for? I talk to you so that I don’t have to talk to my mom or sister about my feelings.”

            “I’m not a miracle worker, Allison.”

            “Yeah, if you were, then I would be cured of my depression right now,” I said sarcastically.

            “I’m sorry, Allison. I can only help you so much.”

            “You didn’t even help me at all.”

            “I can send you back to rehab.”

            “No way! I will talk to my mom over that idea.”

            “So what do you suggest we do?”

            “I suggest that I leave and come back another day. Maybe by then you will decide to help me.”

            “Do you trust yourself, Allison?”

            “Looks like I’m going to have to,” I replied as I left the office.

 

Chapter 17

 

            The next morning I was at my locker putting my things away and getting ready for my first class when Ashley came up to me.

            “I know your secret,” she taunted me.

            “What secret?” I asked, knowing that she couldn’t possibly know my real secret. She probably heard that the reason I was in a wheelchair was because I had been in an accident. She probably thought that was what I was hiding.

            “I know the reason why you are in a wheelchair,” Ashley replied.

            “Big deal,” I said.

            “I heard the teachers talking,” Ashley said in a singsong voice. “Someone isn’t a nice person.”

            “Please leave, Ashley,” I said, annoyed, knowing that she only thought she knew my secret.

            “You tried to kill yourself,” Ashley said.

            “How did you find out?” I asked threateningly.

            “I heard the teachers talking. It’s too bad that you didn’t succeed. I heard that you are depressed right now. Maybe it isn’t too late.”

            “Go away, Ashley. And don’t you dare tell anyone.”

            “So you are confirming that you did try to kill yourself,” Ashley said.

            “I said to go away and I meant it,” I said desperately.

            “What will it take for me to be quiet?”

            “I don’t have anything,” I said.

            “Then I’m afraid that I’m not going to be able to keep this to myself. This is just too good of a secret not to tell.”

            “You can’t tell. Mrs. Lyons said she doesn’t want anyone in the school to know.”

            “It is too late. I already know. I can’t deny the rest of the school this secret. They would feel bad if they didn’t know but I did.”

            “Please!” I called desperately as Ashley finally left.

            That morning I didn’t feel sad at all. Instead I was worried that Ashley might tell. Every time a class would end and I was in the hall, I feared that everyone would come up to me and ask what in the world I was thinking when I made that terrible mistake last year.

            Kelsie knew something was bothering me. She asked me if I wanted to talk about it but I couldn’t. I was too worried and to talk about it would mean that I would have to tell my secret.

            Finally it was lunchtime. I was starting to feel a little relieved since nobody seemed to be staring at me so I figured Ashley must not have told. I was just starting to relax and enjoy lunch when Ashley stood in front of the cafeteria.

            “Can I have everyone’s attention please?” she said in a loud voice.

            Everyone went silent and stared at Ashley. They must have known that this was an important announcement. When have we ever had a student give an announcement during lunch?

            I covered my face with my hands. I knew that I couldn’t do anything to stop her. I also knew that I couldn’t run away without anyone staring at me.

            “Did you know that we have a liar in this school?” Ashley asked. “This girl led us all to believe that she was in an accident but that isn’t the complete truth.”

            I peeked through my fingers and could see that Kelsie and Erika were staring at me. They had to know that I was the girl Ashley was talking about.       

            “Did you know that Allison Reed caused the accident that left her paralyzed? She decided that she had enough of life and took her car, sped up, and went right off the road. This was not an accident. She did this on purpose to kill herself.”

            I could feel everyone staring at me. I peeked through my fingers and decided that I had to get out of here as fast as I could. The tears were already starting but I didn’t care. They weren’t as embarrassing as my secret.

            I went as fast as I could to the restroom. I knew everyone was staring at me but there wasn’t anything I could do. I just had to get away.

            Once I was in the restroom, a bunch of girls came in right away. They all tried saying something to me but I ignored them.

            “Please get out of here,” a familiar voice ordered.

            It got quiet after all those girls left and I looked up to see that the familiar voice was Kelsie.

            “Are you all right?” she asked me as she handed me a tissue.

            “Of course not. Ashley just told my secret in front of the entire school.”

            “It may seem really horrible now, but people will forget after awhile.”

            “I don’t think so. Tell me what is going on in your mind now and tell me that other people aren’t having the same thoughts.”

            “Do you really want to know what I’m thinking?”

            “Yes.”

            “I’m having trouble picturing you trying to commit suicide. But I understand why you kept that to yourself. This isn’t anybody’s business.”

            “It was something stupid I did. I wish I hadn’t. I have to live with the consequences for the rest of my life.”

            “Is that why you think that you can’t become a Christian? Because you think that suicide is a terrible crime?”

            “Yes.”

            “Remember John 3:16.”

            “Can you just please leave me alone?” I asked. “I really don’t want to talk about this now. Maybe later.”

            “Let me know if you need to talk to someone,” Kelsie said before she left the restroom.

 

Chapter 18

 

             I stayed in the restroom all afternoon. Mrs. Lyons apparently found out about what had happened at lunch because at one point she did try to convince me to come out. When I told her that I was not ready to face the rest of the school, she left me alone. I was actually rather surprised that she left me alone because that did go against my mom’s wishes that I not be alone at all.

            While in the bathroom, I wished that I had succeed last year. If I had succeeded, I wouldn’t have to deal with any of the consequences. I wouldn’t have to deal with my mom’s trust issues, I wouldn’t have to be paralyzed, and I wouldn’t have to deal with people knowing my secret.

            I had a lot of time to think that afternoon. I thought about how I would succeed this time. It wasn’t going to be easy. Since I’m paralyzed and not trusted, I had to think of some way to do it. I finally remembered that before I was put in the hospital last year, I had a bottle of Tylenol in my purse. I knew that my mom had taken everything out of my room that she thought could be remotely dangerous but maybe she had missed the pills. It was definitely worth a shot.

            Once the bell rang to dismiss school, I waited until the halls were quiet before going to Mrs. Lyons’s office. She didn’t talk to me and I didn’t talk to her either.

            Amanda arrived a few minutes later and we left without saying anything.

            “I heard about what happened today,” Amanda said gently on the car ride home. “Are you all right?”

            “Haven’t felt better,” I said sarcastically.

            “If you want to talk to someone, let me know. You don’t have to talk to me. It can be anyone.”

            “Is it ok if I go to my room?” I asked when we got home. “I just want to be alone.”

            “As long as you come out at about five thirty. I trust you but Mom will be really mad if she finds that I let you be alone again.”

            I was glad that things were working out perfectly. I went into my room and started writing out my note again. It was very similar to my last one. I didn’t blame anyone. I just explained that life was too hard and that I didn’t want to deal with it anymore.

            I popped open the bottle and swallowed the first pill. It was then that a verse that someone had a couple of weeks ago at youth group hit me. The verse said something about how the Lord goes before us and will never leave us or forsake us. If that was true, then why was I giving up so easily? God is always with me. He will be there to help me through life’s toughest problems.

            Also, ever since I started going to youth group, I have argued that God has not wanted me because I committed a terrible sin. Why was I trying to do it again if I knew that it was wrong?

            I realized then that God had saved my life four times, not three. He saved me from dying in the crash, He saved me by allowing someone to see me go into the ravine, He saved me from dying in a coma, and He saved me by sending His Son to die for my sins. I was being selfish now. What kind of person was I by repaying God for sending His Son to die for me by killing myself? I should be praising Him just for sending Jesus to die for my sins. I should be repaying Him for everything that He has done for me.

            I realized that I needed God in my life. God was going to help me fight my depression. He was going to go before me and help me.

            I decided then that I was going to be a Christian. I bowed my head and started crying, begging God to come into my life and forgive all my sins. I asked that He help me to fight my depression. Finally, I asked that God use me to help others come to Him.

            “Are you all right?” Amanda asked as she came into my room. “I thought I heard you crying in here.”

            “I am now,” I said with a huge smile.

            “What’s going on?” Amanda asked as she saw the bottle of pills. “Do you have a headache?”

            “I was going to commit suicide,” I admitted.

            “How many of those did you take?” Amanda asked worriedly.

            “I only took one.”

            “What happened? What made you change your mind?”

            “God saved me four times, not three,” I explained. “He saved me from dying in the crash, He saved me by letting someone see the accident, He saved me from dying in a coma, and He saved me by sending His Son to die for my sins. I am a Christian now. I’m a changed person.”

            “I’m not sure if I should leave you alone or not,” Amanda said.

            “I’m not going to do anything,” I said as I handed her the pills.

            “I’m not even sure what I should do now,” Amanda admitted. “I really don’t want to tell Mom. I don’t want to call Dr. Cota either because I don’t want you to have to go to the hospital. It is obvious you need some help though.”

            “Why don’t you call Ryan at First Christian Church?” I suggested. “I need to talk to him.”

            “You have got to promise me that you won’t do anything stupid.”

            “I promise,” I said. “I really mean it this time. I’m a Christian.”

 

Chapter 19

 

            After I told Ryan what had happened, Amanda took me to the church, and Ryan and I talked about baptism. We decided that I was going to be baptized a week from Sunday. And on Wednesday, I was going to share my testimony at youth group.       

            At first I wasn’t sure that I wanted to share my life story with everyone. Ryan told me that I didn’t have to but he thought that it would be great for everyone to see how God has been working in my life, even when I wasn’t letting Him in.

            Amanda agreed to come to youth group and church. She was starting to think that maybe something was missing from her life as well.

            Amanda also agreed not to tell Mom or Dr. Cota about how I thought about committing suicide. She really made me promise that I wouldn’t do anything otherwise she would feel really responsible. I promised that I wouldn’t. I would never leave her feeling guilty like that.

            The next few days at school were a little rough. Most people stared at me when they thought I wasn’t looking. A few people did get a little brave and asked for details but I refused to tell them all that stuff. That wasn’t any of their business. So I just ignored them and went on with my life.

            My friends chose to ignore what had happened. I told them I understood if they no longer wanted to be my friend but they said that they weren’t going to hold my past against me. I didn’t tell them about how I tried to kill myself again but I did tell them that I had surrendered my life to God and they were really happy for me.

            “Are you ready to share your testimony?” Amanda asked that next Wednesday after school as she drove me to the church.

            “Surprisingly, yes,” I replied. “I’m not nervous at all. I think it does help that everyone at my new school already knows what I did.”

            “Do you feel like a changed person?”

            “Absolutely. I feel like my life is worth living all of a sudden. I feel like I have a purpose in life, even if I don’t know what that purpose is yet. I feel that God is calling me to do something for Him though.”

            “I’m sure you will find out what it is.”

            “In the meantime, I will be praying for you. I want you to find God.”

            “After realizing that God has saved you five times, I want to know Him too.”

            “What do you mean, five times?”

            “He saved you from dying in the crash, He allowed someone to see the accident, He saved you from dying in a coma, He sent His Son to die for your sins, and He saved you from killing yourself again.”

            “I guess you are right,” I said as we arrived at the church.

            “I heard the good news!” Julie said as she came up to me and gave me hug. “I’m so glad that you gave your life to God.”

            “Are you ready?” Ryan asked as he came up to me.

            “Of course I am. God wants me to do this,” I said as I went up to the front of the room.

            “Everyone, Allison Reed is going to share her testimony today,” Ryan announced. “Some of her story might bother some of you, just to warn you. I ask that you give your full attention to her though. She has an amazing story.”

            “Like Ryan said, my name is Allison Reed,” I began. “I just started coming to First Christian Church after I transferred from Lincoln High School to Star View School.

            “My story starts about a year ago. My sister had just gone off to college at the University and my mom was a workaholic. I was home alone a lot and eventually ended up with depression. One day I decided that I had had enough. I took my car and purposely didn’t put on my seatbelt. I went out to a deserted road and sped up. I ended up in a ravine. Obviously I didn’t succeed that day though because God saved my life three times. I didn’t die in the crash, then, somebody happened to see the accident and was able to call 911, and finally, I was in a coma but I managed to live through that too.

            “I was in the hospital for quite awhile. Once I was finally released, I was sent to a rehab clinic because I was no longer able to walk. Once I got out of that rehab facility, I was sent to another so that I could get help with my depression. I was there quite awhile because my mom didn’t want me to go home.

            “I only got home a couple of weeks ago and that is when I started school at Star View School. My mom thought it would be best for me to start over. I don’t know why she felt that way, because the students at Lincoln High School were told that I had just been in an accident. They knew nothing about the suicide.

            “My life has not been pleasant since I got home. My mom no longer trusts me and I have to live by strict rules. I’m not ever allowed to be alone. After school I have to hang out with my sister in the same room. At school, I’m not even allowed to go to the restroom by myself. I am not even allowed to come to church and youth group. Thanks to my sister though, she trusts me and helps me sneak out.

            “After I started at Star View School, I met some Christians and was invited to come here. I learned a lot about God and forgiveness but I thought that it couldn’t apply to me because I committed a terrible sin. I tried to kill myself and there was no way that I would be forgiven. Thanks to this church and my friends though, I learned that I am saved. I probably wouldn’t be alive if it weren’t for them.

            “A couple of weeks ago my mom caught me at a friend’s house and I was in big trouble. I finally decided that I was sick of all the rules. I had depression again and decided that I was done with life. After I swallowed the first pill, I realized that God has saved my life four times. He saved my life three times because of the accident, and He saved my life a fourth time by sending His Son to die for my sins.

            “I decided to become a Christian after that first pill. I put the bottle down and prayed that God would come into my life.

            “On the way here, my sister pointed out that God really saved my life five times. God stopped me from killing myself with the pills too.”

            After I got done speaking, I looked out at everyone. There were some people that were staring at me with their mouths hanging open. There were others that were wiping tears from their eyes.

            “Allison is going to be baptized on Sunday during church,” Ryan told everyone. “You are all welcome to share in her special day.”

            “I had no idea what your life was really like,” Kelsie said as she came up to me after everyone started leaving.

            “It’s thanks to you that I’m a Christian,” I said as I gave her a hug.

            “God really did want you,” she replied before she left.

 

Chapter 20

 

            The next few days seemed to go by so slowly. I was very excited to be baptized and the only thing I had to keep me busy was counseling on Thursday with Dr. Cota. We did talk about how I was doing with my depression. I told her that I was a Christian now but I didn’t tell her about the events that led up to that.

            Finally the long awaited day arrived. Amanda and I snuck out of the house like we do every Sunday but this time we both went to church.

            This time, the songs that we were singing actually meant something to me. The songs talking about how wonderful God was and how He saved us actually were meaningful. I loved singing these songs, knowing that I was a Christian and that I would get to spend forever with Him.

            After we sang, Pastor Joe gave his sermon. Then before communion, Ryan came up to the front of the sanctuary to speak. He beckoned me to come up there with him.

            “Today we are going to welcome Allison Reed to the family,” he said. “This girl started coming here a few weeks ago. She has a really amazing story of how God has been working in her life. Would you like to share your story, Allison?”

            I looked out at the full church. I didn’t want these people judging me after they heard my story. But maybe I should tell them. God seemed to be telling me that everything would be all right. God seemed to be telling me that I needed to share my story, so that others could share in His wonderful gift of eternal life.

            “Sure,” I said.

            “Before she begins, I must tell you that you shouldn’t judge Allison. God has been working in her life for quite awhile. We are glad that she is able to finally become a part of His family through baptism,” Ryan said.

            I started telling my story. Like when I told it at youth group, people were wiping away tears by the end.

            Once I finally got done, Ryan and I went to go change into shorts and a t-shirt before I was baptized.

            “Are you excited?” Kelsie asked as she helped me change.

            “Of course I am. These last few days have been going by so slowly.”

            “I’m really happy for you.”

            “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you my story before.”

            “Why should you be sorry? Everybody has something they don’t want people to know.”

            “I’m sorry I wasn’t being completely honest with you then.”

            “Don’t mention it.”

            Kelsie and I then met up with Ryan in this little room.

            “We are going to have to go down some stairs and then into the water,” Ryan explained.

            “I will help her,” Kelsie said, “if that is all right with you, Allison.”

            “Of course it is. Let’s go.”

            Kelsie helped me out of my wheelchair and carried me down the stairs and into the water located in the front of the church. She helped support me so that I didn’t go completely in.

            “I have one question for you, Allison,” Ryan asked so that the whole church could hear, “which I think we already know the answer to. Do you accept Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior?”

            “I do,” I replied.

            Ryan put his hand behind my back and then dunked me completely underwater. Once he helped me back up, everyone in the room started clapping.

            Kelsie helped me back of the stairs and I changed back into my dry clothes before returning to the sanctuary.

            After one last song, Amanda and I headed home.

            “I’m really proud of you,” she said to me in the car.

            “I hope you are next to be baptized,” I said.

            “I’m planning on reading your Bible.”

            “We can read it together. There is a lot that I still need to learn.”

            We arrived home just then and my mom pulled up right behind us.

            “Inside! Right now!” she said angrily.

            “What’s going on, Mom?” Amanda asked as we went inside.

            “I knew that you couldn’t possibly be going to the movies every week so I followed you today.”

            “Were you at church the whole time?” Amanda asked incredulously.

            “Yes. I didn’t mind that you had decided to go to church. Allison wasn’t being left alone so I didn’t care. What did bother me though was the fact that you told all those people your story!”

            “What’s wrong with me telling them my story?” I asked. “I found God because of my struggles.”

            “The whole church didn’t need to know what you did! Also, why in the world didn’t you tell me that you were depressed again? Why didn’t you tell me that you tried doing it again? I am debating about whether I should send you to boarding school or rehab right now!”

            “I don’t care where you send me!” I yelled back. “Anywhere I go will be better then here because I will be able to get away from you.”

            “I suppose you wish that you hadn’t let your chance slip away?” my mom yelled.

            “Believe it or not, I made the right choice for once. I’m glad that I didn’t kill myself. I’m glad that God saved me because I’m happy to be a part of His family. I want to be able to praise Him for the rest of my life and to do whatever He calls me to do.”

            “Oh yeah? What is He calling you to do now?”

            “I believe that He is calling me to show others that anyone can be a Christian, despite their pasts. I’m sorry that interferes with your idea that nobody should know my story.”

            “Ok, I think you two need to sit down and talk out your feelings,” Amanda said as she stepped in between us. “You two haven’t gotten along for the last year and you need to talk about it. I will leave you two alone to do this.” She left the room and my mom and I were left alone, staring at each other.

            “I hate your rules,” I finally said calmly. “I hate how you are never home and that I have no opportunity to prove myself.”         

            “You just tried doing it a week ago. It is obvious that I can’t trust you.”

            “You can trust me,” I said. “I’m never going to do it again. I have too much to live for. Even if you don’t trust me though, I have shown that I’m not going to let your stupid rules stop me from doing what I want.”

            “You want to bet? I have taken away your pills.”

            “There are still other ways, Mom, not that I’m going to try. Besides, I don’t see why you are so concerned with keeping me alive but then you never want to spend any time with me.”

            “Because every time I look at you, I feel like the reason you are like this is my fault.”

            “How is it your fault? I’m the one that tried killing myself.”

            “If I had been home more though, I would have realized that you were depressed and needed help. I could have stopped you from killing yourself. Now I have to look at you and realize that I’m a failure,” my mom said as tears started flooding her eyes.

            “Maybe you should spend more time at home. Then after awhile you will forget when you see me that I tried killing myself. You will be able to look at me and remember that you are my daughter.”

            “Maybe you are right,” my mom said with a sigh. “Thank you for being honest with me. I will try to spend more time with you and start trusting you more.”

            “Thanks,” I said as I gave my mom a hug.

            Maybe things weren’t going to be perfect, but at least my mom and I talked. Maybe things would be different now. Maybe my mom and I would be able to have a better relationship.