Flashed before my eyes!

just another poem about my life

                                   original version 

                          My life flashed before my eyes, 

                          Thought i had everything, 

                           The love of my life,    

                            All my dreams came true, 

                             My life got wrapped up into drugs, 

                            Alcohol , 

                          No where to escape, 

                           All the abuse, 

                         Emotionally, 

                         Physically, 

                          Mentally, 

                           My life became full of depression, 

                         Full of hatred, 

                         I was just a scared girl, 

                         Someone who was scared to stand up for herself, 

                         Someone trying to fit in, 

                          Made so many mistakes, 

                          Crying out to God, 

                          No anwsers, 

                           Got to get away, 

                              Escape, 

                           Decided to wake up one day, 

                           I left, 

                         I went back home, 

                        Back home where i was safe, 

                        Where i was excepted, 

                       No more pain, 

                      No more suffering, 

                        No more dugs, 

                          No more alcohol, 

                        Nomore fear, 

                        Living for God, 

                        Gods with me, 

                         He is by my side, 

                       He changed me, 

                        I'm living free, 

                            So much better, 

                          No more pain, 

                           No more fear, 

                     Thank you God

                     

                                      new version 

                                  flashed before my eyes!

          my life hit me so fast, 

        it flashed before my eyes, 

thought i had everything, 

     the love of my life, 

     all my dreams came true, 

   my life got mixed up, 

   got into drugs, 

 started drinking, 

there was no escape, 

all the abuse never goes away, 

emotional, 

physical, 

and mentally abused, 

hurt with frustration and pain, 

hatred settling in, 

there was no hope, 

just a scared girl, 

to scared to stand up for herself, 

just someone trying to fit in, 

made some mistakes, 

crying out to god, 

but no response, 

got to get away,

time to escape, 

decided to wake up and leave, 

no more pain, 

no more suffering, 

no more drugs, 

no more drinking, 

no more fear, 

for i am set free, 

god is with me, 

by myside, 

he changed me, 

im living free, 

so much better, 

no more pain, 

nomore fear, 

thank you God

          

Author's Note

let me know what you think do you like the original one or new version better

Reviews

[Francis Rosenfeld]

I like the new one better. Feels like you shed a heavy burden to walk free.

[LadyNaida]

Hi Jennifer,
I think both versions are good with exception of a few typos on the first version, its good. Its an expression of an experience you're sharing, that's powerful because it take a strong person to be able to share such an experience. God bless you, I am happy He is by your side. :)

[A Soap Mess Stories]

Good poem. It's easy to lose our way thinking we have it all planned out...til God reminds us that he had the master plan all along... thanks for sharing..

[M. J. Smith]

Each has its merits. The honesty in both is powerful. But perhaps.. V2. Everyone is entitled to a chance at redemption. Our Father gives us that. Beautiful words, Jennifer.

[jennifer little]

thanks for your review

[Lisasview]

you are so welcome

[Coyote Poetry]

Powerful,strong and worthwhile words shared dear Jennifer.
"god is with me,
by myside,
he changed me,
im living free,
so much better,
no more pain,
nomore fear,
thank you God"
The above lines. I did like. Thank you for sharing the amazing poetry and your thoughts.
Coyote

[jennifer little]

thanks for the review

[Coyote Poetry]

You are welcome dear Jennifer.

[JayG]

• flashed before my eyes!

What's in it for the reader? What is there in the line, and those that follow, that will make the reader react emotionally? The unknown narrator informs the reader that their life flashed before their eyes, at some unknown time, and in response to an unknown stimulus. How can that be meaningful to someone who doesn't know why, or the smallest thing about that life? What can they say, but, "Uh-huh? Yes, you clarify later, but the reader needs context as-they-read. There can be no second first-impression, remember.

Look at it this way: Suppose someone ran into the room where you are, and said, "Did you hear that someone was hit by a car at the corner? How would you react? You would probably ask who it was. You might say, "Oh no...are they okay? But the emotional jolt isn't there because there's no personal connection..

But...suppose that same person ran in saying, "Did you hear? Your mom was hit by a car at the corner?" Compare your reaction to the first version. This one is infinitely more personal, and as an emotional kick way higher than the first version.

My point? You need to give the reader that strong a reason to care. Fail that and it's just data—words in a row. And who reads poetry for facts?

INVOLVE the reader. Make THEM react. Hit them with red meat, not an info-dump. Make them react with laughter, tears, anger, and more. Make them CARE.

And the wavy margins? Poetry is designed to be read aloud. And speech has no margins.

Well, you did ask... 🤣

Hang in there, and keep on writing.

[jennifer little]

thanks for the review

[Sami Khalil]

I like the 1st. version better. Thank you for writing and sharing.

[jennifer little]

thanks for the review

[Sami Khalil]

You are welcome.

[andrew mitchell]

Domestic violence is terrible. A sad write of struggles and the pain one endures.

[jennifer little]

thanks for your review

[Lathen Griffiths]

A heartfelt piece.

Best wishes

Lathen.

[jennifer little]

thanks for the review