a dark moment in time

Just a dark poem I wrote

 

  first version 

As I sit here with my long black hair,

In tears of blood, 

My eyes so furious,

There's a black castle full of darkness behind me, 

My soul is lost,

Spiders and Mice creep around me,

Oh the horror,

I have nowhere to go,

Nowhere to stand, 

Nowhere to hide,

My world is so dark and cruel,

I feel so cold, 

I'm so helpless, 

There's no love for me anymore,

Help me,

Help me,

Oh dear god,

Nowhere to turn,

I'm left in the dark,

Left for dead,

Left here alone to die. 

  second version 

   a dark moment in time 

 as i sit here waiting with my long black hair, 

tears of blood fall, 

my eyes so furious, 

there's a black castle full of darkness behind me, 

my soul is lost, 

spiders and mice creeping around me, 

oh the horror, 

i have nowhere to turn, 

nowhere to go, 

nowhere to stand, 

no hiding place, 

my world is so dark and cruel, 

i feel so cold, 

i'm so helpless, 

there's no love for me anymore, 

help me, 

help me please, 

oh dear God,  

nowhere to turn, 

i'm left alone in the dark, 

left for dead, 

left here alone to die

Author's Note

Well let me know what you think
let me know if you like the first version better or the second version

Reviews

[Emily]

Might you have meant "furious" in line 3? The tone in this one is good, but to be frank the words fell flat and I didn't get enough emotion out of it.

[Heromen Selena]

This is a very dark, and moving poem. It captures the loneliness feel really well with the imagery and strong word choice like "dead" and "cold". I especially like the lines "Oh dear god, Now where to turn, I'm left in the dark, Left for dead, Left here alone to die." That just brings more of the scared emotions and leaves the reader with the full force of the emotion behind this poem. I wasn't really sure what "furiuse" meant so naturally I googled it :P and turns out it didn't think it was a word. You may have misspelled something there then. It's just a little thing that I noticed. But really good poem and awesome job :)

[MomzillaNC]

This is a very dark poem… it revels in the midnight depths

[Rudi J.P. Lejaeghere]

Indeed a dark one. Keep writing. :) Rudi

[Emily]

I lovely wording!
It made it seen dark.
Keep it up!!

[Coyote Poetry]

You are right a dark poem. You described bad place and situation. Left the reader with vision of last chance and hope. Thank you for sharing the excellent poetry.
Coyote

[hardeep sabharwal]

A dark and painfully painted work, good job

[R Smith]

I think knowing your liking for dark things and vampires this could be about a newly bitten vampire victim just waking up to the knowledge that they have crossed over into the twilight world of the undead and are lost and confused as to what comes next, an excellent work i believe, well done :)

[Pushkar Prabhat]

dark indeed......
feel the pain and struggle....
loved it!!!!
:)

[wordman]

and then poe rides in on his white horse to save the lost soul
of the black castle gives her new life and purpose