dark rose!

just a dark poem i wrote !

 

 

 

 

     first version 

 

 

     There's twelve red rose's that stands together,

Their holding on strong,

From the weather that has pasted us by,

Left by his sorrow,

He will always love her,

In the darkest hour,

Love has passed us by,

The light was to never shine again,

All hope was lost,

Our sorrows are weeping,

As the rose's turn dark,

We lay hopelessly in love,

Living day by day,

We lay hopelessly in fear and darkness,

As the rose's turn so black,

You can't see their beauty no more,

No hope,

All is gone,

In our darkest hour,

The dark rose,

Has stuck again.

Blood shed everywhere,

No one is safe anymore,

Love will never be the same

   second version 

   dark rose, 

there's twelve red rose's that stands together, 

their holding on strong, 

from the weather that has passed us by, 

left by his sorrows, 

he will always love her, 

in the darkest hour, 

love has passed us by, 

the light was to never shine again, 

all hope was lost, 

our sorrows are weeping, 

as the rose's turn dark, 

we lay hopelessly in love, 

living day by day, 

we lay hopelessly in fear and darkness, 

as the rose's turn so black, 

you cant see their beauty no more, 

no hope, 

all is gone, 

in our darkest hour, 

the dark rose, 

has struck again, 

blood shed everywhere, 

nobody's safe anymore, 

love will never be the same

Author's Note

well just a dark poem i wrote please tell me what you think

do you like the first version or the second version better

Reviews

[Baby Ricochet]

I had to turn all the lights on to read this it was so dark

[The Black Warrior]

Impressive, I like it! I like the tone of this poem!

[R Smith]

very sad and melancholy this one Jen, well written :)

[Sindu]

Dark and sorrowful but has a beauty in how it goes.. Nice imagery.. it really gives a new perspective.

[MomzillaNC]

A lost love compared to a dying rose. Lovely imagery.

NOTES:
There's twelve red [roses] that stands together, ["rose's" is the possessive of "rose" while "roses" is the plural of the same.]

From the weather that has [passed] us by, ["pasted" is the past tense of "paste"]

Love has [passed] us by,

As the [roses] turn dark,

As the [roses] turn so black,

[Eleanor]

I liked the flow in this one. Seemed pretty dark and intense.
You showed how love comes with sorrow. Yet you even showed the romance.
Always a pleasure to read your stuff. It's kinds playful and dark. Another nice job :)

[wordman]

well this always sells books you should try it

[A Soap Mess Stories]

i love the darkness of love and betrayal and heartbreak...

[Jack Wolfe]

From the weather that has pasted us by (passed)

Has stuck again (struck?)

A dark outlook on the occurrence of love, but with love comes with sorrow, either in heart-break or in parting through other means. You have a few minor errors, some repetitive, but the sorrowful love comes through, a bit of hopeless romantic.

[Laura Lynn]

it sounds very pretty and dark, there is something playful about the tone, even though it should seem sad, it does not seem sad and is rather playful