6 Things You Should Know about Adopting Another Woman's Child

A Story by jenniwhite1

As little girls growing up, we were bombarded with glimpses of our future families. From playing house with our baby dolls to stories of happily ever after. No one can quite prepare those who unknowingly will never be able to conceive on their own though. There are many of us who will not understand the stories of life growing inside of us or the bitter sweetness of childbirth. What happens when everyone around you can so easily get pregnant, but not you? Here's 6 things you should know about adopting another woman's child.

1. You'll always be grateful for the birth mom no matter how awful she may be as a person.

Okay, yeah....she's a wild child party girl without a nurturing bone in her body. She has abandoned every child she has given birth to and is still getting pregnant at 40. Maybe she will never understand the impact her life choices has had on those children, but what if she had made a different choice? What if she had kept her children in her chaos and subjected them to who knows what? What if they had ended up in foster care instead? What if she didn't allow the pregnancy to continue at all because it would have been a damper in her party? If it wasn't for her, I wouldn't have my babies. Plain and simple. I am forever grateful she made the choice she did. You will catch yourself silently thanking her and God multiple times over the years as you watch your children grow through the various stages. You will even defend her to the little faces that look to you for answers when they ask the questions "Why did my momma not want me?" or "What was she like?"

2.You will battle "pregnancy jealousy" the rest of your life....until you don't.

Yes, it's a fact. The injustice and unfairness of it all will overcome you at times. You may hear through the grapevine that she has had many other children and you will become extremely angry. If you are honest, you will recognize "pregnancy jealousy" as the root of your anger. Why is she so freaking fertile and not me? This green monster may continue to raise his ugly head many times over the years and WHEN it does (not if), try not to stay there in that angry place questioning why. Instead, please refer back to number one. If that doesn't work, then I have a few words to help get you over that hump....STRETCH MARKS, HEMORRHOIDS, EPISIOTOMY. Once you think of those, skipping those parts helps to ease the pain.

3. You really will love your adopted children more than life itself.

I would say "like a real mom", but honey...if you're raising two rascals every day from the time they were six months old and one year old until the day the last little chick leaves the nest and beyond, then you ARE the real mom. You will cherish every moment of the every day, ordinary life. You will know them inside and out. You will know their buttons and they will know yours. If it came down to it, you would gladly step in front of them to take the bullet without hesitation. It's a love beyond anything you've ever dreamed or could fully describe to anyone other than God. He knows because he promised you this. "Sing, barren woman, who has never had a baby. Fill the air with song, you who've never experienced childbirth! You're ending up with far more children than all those childbearing women. God says so! (Isaiah 54:1)

4. Those sweet babies will eventually challenge your authority over them.

Those same precious children will go through their teenage years, as we all do. They will scream daggers at you with "I don't have to listen to you! You're not my mother!" Pause for a sigh here. *sigh* It will happen and they will struggle figuring out who they are and where they fit. Forgive them. Love them anyway and stick to your guns. Don't let these times intimidate you or give in to their teen drama demands. They still need you to be the parent.

5. Your adopted children will be naturally curious.

If you have talked openly with them about their adoption (and I hope that you do), they will ask lots of questions. Take the time to answer each one as objectively as you can. Resist the temptation to burn those old photos. Like it or not, they still have her blood flowing in their veins. They are part her. Please don't taint their souls with negativity. If they are still in the very young, emotionally vulnerable stage and ask you to find her, patiently tell them you will support them finding birth mom some day, but not now. If they are over 18 and they vow to rush off to find the person you "kept" from them, let them go. Your heart will rip from your chest shattering as glass thrown against a mountain and you may witness a nauseating exchange between them, but please ride it out. They need you to allow them to discover the truth about what they think they know for themselves. Sometimes, cold realities teach the best lessons.

6. Your children will eventually see you with different eyes.

There may be times as you reflect back on your parenting skills over the years and you may question it all. What if I had done this? What if I had handled that part differently? Was I too strict? Was I too permissive? Did I do anything right at all? Forgive yourself. There will come a time when you will hear your child's version of their adoption story and your heart will burst again. This time for all the right reasons. You will hear your child refuse pity by saying "Please don't feel sorry for me. I had a great mom! I know she loves me!" It is at that moment I ask you to refer back to number one....and stay there.