Down the Rabbit Hole

Standing across the street and staring at the house that used to be mine, I realized how nervous I was. It was exactly how I remembered it; nothing had changed but me. The light blue shutters were the same. So was the wrap around porch that Trixie, our border collie, used to chase me around and that big oak tree I used to climb and always scraped my knees on. I still have scars from those blissful days. I never thought I would ever see it again, but here I am, eight years later and much more mature than I should be. I used to feel so safe in this suburban bubble. I thought nothing bad could ever happen here. I took a look around; yup, I was the only thing that had changed. I could tell school was getting out for the day. Moms were coming home in a parade of mini vans with South Carolina plates gleaming in the sunlight. Maybe I should come back tomorrow? Yeah that’s what I will do, it’ll be easier tomorrow.

               I turned around and started walking in the opposite direction of my old life and headed towards Maple Street. I don’t know why I went that way but I just needed to go back there just to see it again. I didn’t want to go but my feet were compelling me; it’s amazing how I still can remember different ways to get out of this maze of a neighborhood. Finally reaching my destination of the intersection of Maple Street and Arkin Way the memories of what had happened started to fill my mind. It was an October day. I can’t exactly remember the exact but I know for sure it was October. My mom had let me stay up an hour past my 8 o’clock bedtime so we could work on my Halloween costume. I was going to be Rapunzel; how cliché. I used to be such a girly girl, always trying on Mom’s jewelry and sneaking in her bathroom to put on lipstick. I remember the way my shoes squeaked with every step I took and how I loved brushing my hands on bushes when I walked by. It was just like any other day. I had a pink bow in my hair and was wearing my favorite jumper. I stood there waiting for the bus to come and get me, just like any other day. I can still see the maroon pick up truck pull alongside the curb, the driver got out and walked over to me.

               “Hey, sweetheart, do you live here?” he asked. I nodded at him, Mom always told me never to speak to strangers.

               “Well I am looking for my dog Patches. He is white with brown spots. You haven’t seen him, have you?” I shook my head this time. “ Well would you mind helping me look for him? I can give you a ride to school if you would like? Where do you go to school ,sweetheart?” He seemed anxious.  And this is where I made my mistake.  I said ok and the rest is history. He had lied to me, he didn’t take me to school and we only looked for his dog for five minutes. I remember looking around the car and seeing that the passenger side door didn’t have a door handle to get out. I could feel my heart start to race and started to cry.

               “Oh no, sweetheart don’t cry! How about a coke and a hamburger? That sound good?” He tried to console me but I just kept crying. We drove for about an hour; I had no idea where we were. I had never been this far from home, at least not without my parents.

               Hearing the horn bonking at me to cross I was back from my little trip from the past. I don’t know why I came back here, I should have gone the other way. But I am already here so I might as well keep walking . I  put my hand up and nodded my head at the driver as I crossed the street and kept walking to the main road. Jameson was waiting for me like he said he would. He understood that I had wanted to go alone.

               “ That was fast. How’d it go?” He looked at me puzzled. “I figured a family reunion might last a little longer than that seeing as how you’ve been gone for eight years.”

               “I didn’t go. I’ll go tomorrow. I just need some time.” I looked past him and could feel my eyes burn with the threat of tears. The last time I had cried was when I was eight.  The smell of grease and meat sizzling wafting through the air made my stomach growl violently. When had we last eaten? Yesterday afternoon? “Hey wanna go down to Peach Tree’s and get something to eat? I think we have enough to split a meal. I’ll try and get some work tonight. ‘Kay?” I looked at him and saw the concern flicker across his face.

               “Yeah, yeah that sounds good” he turned around and we started walking in the direction of Peach Tree’s. “You know you don’t have to do that anymore. You’re gonna meet your parents tomorrow and I am going to find some honest work. We will be okay.”

               I know he just wants what is best for me but I don’t see how I can get out of this rabbit hole we’ve fallen into. Jameson’s intentions have always been good. I turned my head to look at him and just sighed. Jameson is my best friend; well my only friend really. We met at the house I was taken to. He was coloring on the floor and looked at me for just a moment and then went back to the picture of the cow jumping over the moon. The man left us alone and promised to come get us for dinner. He locked the door. I looked at Jameson and started to cry again. He got up and brought me a crayon. He didn’t even have to say a word we just had a connection. I took the crayon from him and he looked out for me ever since.

               Two miles later we reached Peach Tree’s. I wondered if the lady with the yellow hair still worked there. The door jingled as we opened it, and all those Sundays with my parents after church came flooding back. It’s strange how you can forget so many things, but then just by going somewhere or smelling something can trigger the lost memories. To my right I saw they still had the country store where I loved to put my sticky little hands on all the candy and beg my parents to let me have just one piece after dinner.

               “Hey, Emma! They got a table for us!” Jameson said. I turned away from the candy and traipsed over to him.

               “Right this way! Non-smoking, right?” asked the older lady in her southern twang.

               “Yeah, non-smoking is fine. Thanks,” Jameson said as we followed her rather plump figure covered in a gingham shirt and blue jeans. As she seated us, I knew she was the lady that used to have the yellow hair. Other than her hair she looked good for her age. Her smile was the same, it just made her eyes a bit more crinkly and she smelled of pecan pie.

               “Here we are now Cindy will be takin’ care of y’all, and I highly recommend our chicken salad sandwiches. The grapes are especially sweet today. If you don’t mind me sayin’, you look awfully familiar… Have you been around here before? I have this odd notion that we’ve crossed paths a few times.” I didn’t want to look at her but I did anyways. I shook my head no. I didn’t want her to know that I used to be a regular here and that I remembered how she always gave us a black and white milkshake on the house.

               “Hump, could’ve sworn that I knew you. Oh, well you folks enjoy your meal and let me know if there is anything I can get for you that Cindy can’t. Alright?” she walked away and back to her podium.

               Coming back here made me sad, made me feel like I was missing something special. It’s hard to believe that I was actually here living a normal life; well, what I think is normal. I  don’t even know what normal is anymore. We ate our sandwich in silence and I couldn’t help but think about all the times we were never allowed to eat in public; only on special occasions for our “Uncle” Ronnie to meet up with some friends. He would take us to the run down Dairy Queen and order us whatever we wanted and would even let us sit at our own table. I remember feeling so grown up when he would do that.  While we ate our hamburgers and dip cones, he would talk with various people, men , women, old , young , basically anyone that would pay. Jameson and I quickly caught on with what was happening. Later on in the evenings of those same days, “Uncle” Ronnie would bathe us, and put us in nicer clothes than what we usually wore. He always tied a silk bow in my hair. I used to love those bows but now ever since those nights I’ve despised them.

               “You know, I won’t let anyone hurt you. This is fine what we are doing. I promise everything will be okay. You know how a caterpillar becomes a butterfly? Well that’s what you’re doing. You’re turning into something beautiful,” he would say to me every night before he would drop us off at the rundown motel near the airport.  It was just another lie, I didn’t turn into anything beautiful, and if I did, I certainly didn’t feel like it. I felt dirty, used up, and what I had to do in those rooms with those people.. it hurt.

               I learned quickly that if I screamed or put up a fight that bad things happened… and others tended to get hurt. The first time I went into the motel room it was with an older man around the age of forty. He was married, I guess, and tried to make me feel comfortable. I could tell he had children of his own. I didn’t know what was going on at first but then he started to take off my clothes and when I screamed he put me faced down into the bed and yelled at me to shut up. “Uncle” Ronnie busted into the room yelling and flailing his gun around and then shot him. “You need to do what people tell you to sweetheart. Otherwise bad things like this will happen. Now you don’t want other people to die, now do you?” He held me close to his chest trying to calm me down. Then he showed me how to turn into his version of a beautiful butterfly.

               “Emma, hello? Emma!” Jameson was trying to get my attention. “You okay in there? You looked like you were thinking a little too hard” he giggled and speared the pickle with his fork.

               “I’m fine , just wondering where we can find some work tonight. I think I remember there being a rest stop for truckers a ways up the highway. It’s a walk, but I can get at least three customers. Maybe get us enough money for a night at the Red Roof INN.” I grabbed the ten-dollar bill I had stuffed in my bra and threw it down on the table. “ Let’s get out of here before it gets too dark, don’t wanna be walking on the side of the highway when at night.”

               We got up and grabbed our backpacks; they didn’t have much in them. I don’t really know what Jameson carried in his, but I had a bar of soap, some gum, my pack of Marlboro Red’s, a lighter, a moth eaten sweater and the picture I found of myself on a milk carton. I had seen it on the carton that was in the trashcan, when Ronnie had moved us to Florida. I kept it for safekeeping. It comforted me to know that they realized I was gone and that someone was looking for me.

               We walked out the store and I headed towards the highway, but Jameson didn’t follow.

               “You know , I hate that you do this! We aren’t his property anymore we don’t have to sell ourselves short. I would rather we sleep in a tree tonight than have you go blow a bunch of fat, old truckers just so you can a pillow!” I could tell he was angry ,but I didn’t care. For some reason I enjoyed going down this rabbit hole of destruction, especially now that it was on my own terms.

               “ If you go, I will leave you. I don’t want to do this anymore! Don’t you know we are better than this?! Especially you, Emma. Do you really want to meet your family tomorrow knowing that you screwed a bunch of men? You already had to do to it to get us here. Let’s stop now. Okay?”

               “Fine, there’s a park a half a mile back towards my old house. Let’s go over there and we can sleep on the playground for the night.” Jameson sighed with relief.

               “Thank you.”

We made it to the park by the time the sun completely fell, just when all the stragglers were heading home to put their little ones to bed. We decided to set up in one of the tunnels. It had multiples holes in it on the sides, but it was just closed up enough that if we huddled together underneath Jameson’s jacket we could keep semi-warm.

               “What do you think they will be like?” he asked as I snuggled in deeper against him.

               “I don’t know. You know, I’m honestly not even sure they live there anymore. They’ve probably moved or something. Plus even if they are there, it’s not like I would stay. They wouldn’t want me after everything and I am not gonna ditch you. Cradle to grave?”

               “Cradle to grave. But you know they are still gonna want you, if they are there. You’re their daughter they’ll want you to come back home.” There was a hint of sadness to his voice. I knew he was thinking of his parents; they had died in a car crash, and “Uncle” Ronnie had taken him in when he saw him swinging alone at the park. “Do you ever think about him? Ronnie?” Jameson was always thinking of him.

               “No, why would I? He ditched us. He said he would always take care of us and then he just left us. He didn’t even say good-bye. So no I don’t.” I didn’t want to admit that I do think about him. Even though he was a monster he still fed me and tucked me into bed all those years. Jameson didn’t respond. We then dozed off into a peaceful and surprisingly comfortable sleep.

               The incessant buzzing of a fly in my ear woke me up. I peeked out the hole of the tunnel and saw that it was light out. I reached for Jameson’s hand and looked at his watch. 6:32 am. I looked at Jameson; he was so adorable when he slept. I decided not to wake him and crawled out of the tunnel. It’s so pretty here, I thought to myself. I grabbed my pack and started to walk back to Peach Tree’s. They should be open by now if I remembered correctly.

               They were, and I went to the bathroom to wash up. Man, at least if I had worked last night I would have been able to shower. I haven’t had one of those in a week. I reached for a paper towel and dowsed it with soap and water. Peeling off my tank top, faux leather skirt, boots, fishnets, and panties, I washed up quickly. People usually don’t like it when you use their bathrooms for sponge bathing. When I was done , I decided to see if the lady with the once yellow hair was here. She wasn’t, so I left and went on my way to my parents.

               It took me about an hour to get there from Peach Tree’s, and avoiding Maple Street. I didn’t want to take a trip down memory lane again. People were hustling and bustling, taking kids to school and doing their every day chores of taking out the trash and what not. I could feel them staring at me as I walked past. I obviously looked like I didn’t belong here in my fishnets and short skirt. I ignored them though and kept on walking towards my destination.

               I started to get nervous again and decided to stop and see if I had any more Tic Tac’s left. Dang it. One left. There is a unique sadness when you realize you only have one Tic Tac left; or maybe it’s just me. I popped it in my mouth and kept on walking.

               Two more blocks. One more block. There it was. I heaved a huge sigh and started walking towards the house, this time with purposeful steps. As I got closer I noticed a little boy running down the front stairs, and then that’s when I heard it: that familiar bark; Trixie!

               “Benjamin! Benjamin! Come back here, you need to get your jacket on!” ?An older lady, maybe in her early forties ran out after them holding a lime green jacket. Mom. My mom. I had forgotten what she looked like but I knew it was her. I could feel it in my bones. How could I forget what my mother looked like, but remember other things like Sunday’s at Peach Tree’s or Trixie? A man followed out after them holding a briefcase and a cup of coffee.

               “I’m going to be late, again!” He chuckled. He laid a big fat kiss on my mom’s lips and I knew that he had to be my father. Daddy. I recognized that laugh and the way he walked. Time had been much kinder to him than my mother. Trixie was going crazy running around in circles trying to catch the little boy. I suddenly felt jealous of this little boy and this perfect family I hardly recognized. They replaced me! Even Trixie seemed to be okay.

               I can’t do this, I thought. I turned to walk away and then heard that comforting yelp from Trixie again.

               “Trixie! Trix! Come back!” The little boy followed her as the dog ran down the driveway right at me.

               “Hey, Trix,” I whispered as she slobbered her wet kisses all over me. “You remember me, don’t ya, girl?” She started to whine as she jumped all over me. My eyes started to burn with tears again.

               “Sorry ‘bout my puppy! She is very friendly! What’s your name?” said my brother.

               “I uh I’m Shelby. It’s nice to meet you. Beautiful dog.”

               “Thanks! I’m Ben ! Well, we gotta go. See ya later Shelby! Come on Trix lets go!”

               The dog just looked at him and then back at me. “It’s okay, go on. I’ll be fine. Go on” I whispered to her. She gave me the saddest pair of dog eyes I had ever seen and slowly but surely followed the little boy in the lime green jacket back to the house.

               I stood up and looked back at them. I couldn’t go. They had a new son and a perfect life. They wouldn’t want me anymore. Jameson deserved better. I walked away and decided to go back down the rabbit hole. Alone.

Author's Note

Ignore grammar and punctuation problems. Feel free to send corrections. I am thinking of turning this piece into a book. What do you all think?

Reviews

[Devesh]

I'm speechless. I can't wait to lay my hands on your book. I realise that the previous two sentences contradict each other, but what the heck. I just want to know when your book's out. This was spectacular and I loved the way how you developed the characters. I want you to read something:

http://rajeduboard.rajasthan.gov.in/book/Books2012/Class-11/11Snapshots-11/ch-2.pdf

This a story called 'The Address' by Marga Minco. Though the settings are quite different but this story immediately came to my mind when I started reading. I loved this one and I love yours.
Thank you for sharing. =)

[Rose Ellen]

Oh my gosh! Thank you so much! I will most certainly look at the link you gave me :) Thank you again for taking the time to read it! I will be sure to return the favor soon! ;)

[Devesh]

You're most welcome. Please do, I'm quite sure you'll like it. Feel free to explore, but I'm afraid I haven't written an awful lot of stuff, I started writing quite recently :)

[Rose Ellen]

Well it is hard to tell! You make it seem easy to write like that.

[Devesh]

I'm flattered! Thank you :)

[Claire in VA]

Incredible story. I definitely think that you should turn this into a book.
This story held my attention all the way through it, and I'm waiting for more!
~~~Claire in Virginia~~~