#1

shiver of rooftop-
rain still drenches my cloaked thoughts
unmasking my tears

Reviews

[Creepy Swine Guy]

The rooftop isn't really shivering, is it? It is the rain that gives it the appearance of shivering, yes?

I disagree with the objection to line two. Though there is one word that picks at me a bit ... "still". I wonder if it takes us out of the moment a bit. How might "rainfall ..." fit in the place of "rain still ..."? My apprehension is not vehement, more of a subtle nag.

My only real niggle is with line three. Does rain UNMASK or tears, or provide cover for them?

[Jonathan Ballam]

Long time no see Jennie!

I'll be honest the second line in this one bothers me too much. I've often heard of rain drenching, it's too much on the cliché for me. Maybe something like "rain with suck at cloaked thoughts."

Heck, there's a whole host of words like claw, rattle, wring, shake. Or you could even use a word like "chatter" or "mumur" and give the impression the rain is talking to your thoughts?

Just throwing some ideas around.

[Tony]

Hi Jenniewren!
I didn't know I had you BLOCKED.
lol... you aren't anymore.

long time no see, is the boat done?

[Crowley]

Great first line, very gray poem....one to be read on a rainy day in front of the fire.

[Tony]

It is so odd, yet I am not surprised, that the first piece I come to, after considerable time away, could speak to me so clearly.
When I was here at the cafe a lot, I savored Jenniewrens posts.
They were so in harmony with... well, me. I guess...lol...
A strange infatuation with the author developed, not an uncomfortable one though.
It was more like encountering someone at a time when I was better prepared to appreciate them.
Nice to see you again.
Great work, as always....
And I featured 'AlleyCats'... just in case.....

[JelliFyshKissUs]

shiver of rooftops-- I desire to steal that phrase. My fingers twitch at the thought of it. But I will be noble and leave it here on this page. Such a knack you have for metaphorical phrasing.

[Zeitgeist Manifesto]

I got this feeling of an embrace from Mother Nature...
whispering to my soul..."Let it out".

[Ruth]

And this goes full circle! Brilliantly so! xx

[Nobody.]

I watch from the ground
with no fear getting drenched
by the cleansing flood

beautifully written.
sorry.
I always feel the need to answer a haiku with a haiku. :)