worth (a thinking thing).

pardon the muddle, mop up the puddle, we all float down here, folks

what is the value of worth?

what is the worth of my soul?

i'd like to say it is a concrete amount

but i am far too often lost

adrift

senseless

having been cold-cocked once again

by the suckerpunch of reality

of where my true worth stands

(at least according 

to the reflection

of me

in your eyes)

i read the tomes, looked for a guru

to show me how to base my worth

solely upon myself, because i've been told

that is what is healthy

i haven't the discipline for chanting

and my one attempt at finding a teacher

ended in his rather clumsy attempt for a threesome

(his wife held 

an unhealthy reflection

of me

in her eyes)

so i wander

using small lights to stumble

through the darkness that is my awareness

trying to find the balancing scales

i'm supposed to hold within myself

because my current unit of measurement

seems to have gotten a bit cloudy..

(that reflection 

of me 

in your eyes)

how can a person's worth be so arbitrary

and easily discarded?

how do i hold

the strength of my own worth

as immobile and resolute

when i don't even know how to look?

how do i finally see

the reflection

of me

in my eyes?

Reviews

[Pax Analog]

Beautiful. I'm just enough of a wise-guy to think I have some answers to this classic inquiry, but I'm mindful of the pitfalls of hubris. ;-)

The strange pricelessness of an intuitive Clearing that outshines all the inevitable reasons for worrisomeness indeed defies outside valuation.

As one who has suffered dings and dents and slings and arrows like everyone else, I can say that an increased sense of existential valuation did not come from the world of congratulations. I've had such highlight moments, but it has nothing to do w/an enduring sense of worth. Neither is talking yourself into some degree of self-respect regardless of the vagaries of mirrored love, either.

Seems to me it's a greater familiarity w/being the teabag dipped in infinite hot water. All the gurus who have anything to say or emanate at all are teabags steeped in infinite hot water, and they managed to begin to identify w/the water more than the bag. Even some such Nondualists manage to be scoundrels, so f**k the entire convention of "otherness."

Taking to heart an intuition that the habitual one seeking validation is beside the point, that in fact we are only superficially who we think we are, a bemused zone of observant inquiry emerges, a propensity not only to steadily and lightly question the integrity of the judgment from without, but even more so questioning the judgment from within, and testing the timeless assertion that what one seeks is always already the case and paradoxically looking through one's own eyes.

One starts spontaneously integrating this, when one is simply tired of an overriding sense of bullshit re the aforementioned judgments from without, and the worrisome judgments from within.

One still has one's ups and downs, but one is more steadily aware of observing without concern. Observing the observer deepens and clears mysteriously.

There are too many styles of grappling w/the aspects of separate self worry vis-a-vis an emerging profound seamless acceptance for me to note here. I simply know that if one grapples authentically w/the core issue of who or what are you really, that what REMAINS starts finding YOU. After all, Buddha-nature emerged in the historical Gautama because he had truly exhausted every other possibility. The Awakening was that of inherent Being that simply waits for the provisional self to get tired of itself.

So it seems this Enlightenment mode is not something one attains. It attains YOU. One can increase the odds via one's bemused psychological tilt. I'm just happy to have a view of the expressive implications.

We underestimate the power of not believing in anything -- including the spectrum of optimism/pessimism/nihilism. Why do we have to believe anything about ourselves or anyone else? I'm not saying we don't deploy relative opinions for the sake of dialogue. I'm saying INNER SPACE awaits those who are sufficiently impressed w/the peculiar callowness of all and everything.

The assumptions of various rituals, chanting, formal meditation techniques, are that one is a seeker of truth, worth, tranquility, divinity, whatever. Why make that assumption? Not really knowing what anything is about at all is rather amusing! A wonder, an amazement.

You are of the exquisite nature of Existence Itself, an a priori treasure.

Your spoken word recording is warm, charming, and poignant as well. ;-)

[Sweet_pale_cacophony]

Oh Jennie..i have to say this write has to be one of my favorites of yours..it is like your heart is doing its own talk here..so vulnerable,so innocent and so very genuine is your voice here..and all of this makes this poem an extremely endearing read..
I had left a quote on Selene's page sometime back..somehow this is apt here..
Lord Buddha said once to one of his disciples 'Be a light unto yourself'...and that is what is helps me in the darkest of my days..
somehow the paths you have walked on seemed familiar matey..:)

[Toon]

really interesting. a good comment on how codependence can leave people stumbling when the relationship ends. It's very concisely communicated which makes it really effective and the intent does not repeat itself, each stanza is closely related but stands alone. i like it.

[emmajoy]

Your words are superbly written, your thoughts so finely expressed .. to show yourself this way - imaginings or not, makes me feel as if i'm peeping through a hole in a thick wall watching you sit, huddled, arms around knees, speaking aloud.

So many of us wonder about self-worth, it's one of the cruellest self inflicted wounds .. and to feel diminished in someone else's eyes is more than painful.

Your poem is wonderful in every way.

[.ronald.039.]

i really enjoy your poetry. it feels like lately i read only ee cummings, bukowski, and you.

[Crowley]

The Pink Floyd song "Another Brick in the Wall" so popped into my mind while reading this. Its like every relationship tends to end up with one or the other or both pulling out the self worth scale and hopping on it every ten seconds because we can't find a way to appreciate one another as we did when we first met. This is sad and puzzling stuff Girly Q. Great writing, solemn subject matter. Nice job.

THE JEALOUSY RETURNS!!!!

[Zeitgeist Manifesto]

Hate to appear to be so lazy...

But this is Epic! Truly amazing writing...
Im in awe. You pulled the words I wanted
to say right out of my mind and summed it
all perfectly, when there were so many words
I couldnt even find.

[DavidRyanM]

The one thing people rarely focus on and pull off with and kind of talent, is the structure of a poem. You do a great job with that in this piece. I'm a huge sucker for manipulating the way in which you allow the reader to go through a piece like this.

[Bubo]

So many worthy questions, that tell me you are such a wonderful person..........confused, feeling lost, but a person with no worth would never really question, but lie down and accept. Loved this........for its honesty, and we all struggle with self worth I know.

[Robin]

this is so well crafted ~ excellent excellent excellent