Alone

Lying in bed alone again.
Alone is kind of my thing.
It's something I've perfected throughout my years.
It's like riding a bike for me.
Sometimes I stash away my solitude for the hopeful companionship of others.
Unfortunately, expecting others to help obliterate my aloneness for any more than a short period of time, is nothing but wishful thinking.
So wherever you go, there you are.
And here I am again.
Pouring my broken feelings out my stolen heart.
Trying to make sense of it all.
Ripping through old tattered books trying to figure out what I did the last time this situation arose.
Sweet visions of past lovers who removed themselves from the reach of my tender arms.
Reasons why escape me.
Being alone is like treading in waters of your own uncertainty.
Excitement and spontaneity hibernate for the period while routine and monotony rise to power.
The only way to guard myself from the wrath of depression is to clench onto the hand of anticipation.
After months of dissecting the circumstances that brought me to my demise, I will finally crawl out of the hole I dug myself into.
I will make the mistake of giving someone the benefit of the doubt, because at the time the fluttering in my gut makes all my decisions for me.
I never see this persons faults.
I only envision what they can do to make me feel desired.
Feeling their warmth.
Giving myself up to another gets me high.
I never look past right now.
Even when they start to leave, I refuse to see it coming.
It being the part where I am
Lying in bed alone again.

Reviews

[Cassandra]

I love "pouring my broken feelings out of this stolen heart" beautiful. I too get latched on to relationships and I understand how you can get blindsided by the sheer joy of those fledgling days together.. and then the reality starts to trickle out .. or it explodes like a dam..whooshing. I also enjoy the line "Giving myself to another gets me high" -- me too. Being alone is one of my biggest fears .. so I've held onto relationships when its time to let go.. and I understand how its like sand slipping through your fingers every time a lover who you thought would stay .. leaves.

[BelieveInCelia]

Jennie...Your words touched my heart in a way that speaks of someone who has never been comfortable and at peace with their 'own company'. Filling the 'void' with another, if you will. If I am correct...I look forward to the day I hear you shout out with joy that you are secure in your own 'being' and you welcome the company of another on your own terms.

Your words were delivered beautifully, Jennie. I just wish for your heart to find happiness!
Thank you for sharing your work...
Celia