Relive and Retell

I don't even know at this point. A Monologue about a person dealing with cancer during and after life. Please leave tips on how to make it better!

*When the lights come up you are sitting in a chair at center stage*

It's still raw. I mean, I remember the phone call as if it was yesterday. *stand up and start walking around* I remember picking up the phone and the doctor asked me to sit down. I remember only hearing one word. Cancer. Everything else was a blur....

*wheezing* It's getting so hard to breathe. It's unbearable at times. I don't know if it's just me, but i can't even let my family know if I'm in pain. I don't want to see them worry. Now more than ever. It's christmas andI don't want to ruin anyones Holiday.... *wheezing really hard now* You see christmas is everyones favorite holiday, at least in my family. *Struggling to breathe* I just don't want to ruin anyones holiday. It hurts so bad. I don't think I can hold on any longer. Lord, I really hope you're real...

*Blackout*

Wait, Is this it? This is what "Heaven" is? What the actual f**k? I poured 27 years of my life into christianity. They promised me a heaven and it's this.Now I know I wasn't perfect, but I always believed in god. I never once doubted it.

*realizing her last words*

Awh s**t, Seriously? Is that why I'm here. You know what f**k you, God. I battled cancer for five long a*s years. I'm sorry for a momentary second just lost hope. I had those moments so many times throughout life and I alway turned to you to help. 

I don't even know what to say. I left my family, my friends. 

i could have held on longer. Jesus Christ I'm selfish. What the hell? It was christmas... I ruined everything. I wish I could go back....

*Pleading with god*

Please let me go back. (sobbing) I can't stay here. I have to go back. I didn't even say good bye... It hurts. i feel the same. I feel out of breathe and I feel like i have this huge weight on my chest. I still feel my lumps. I still see my scars.

They said it would be different. That once you died there was no more cancer. What was the point of death if you still wake up with the same symptoms? What even was life? Was I but on earth just tell my story?

*one last black out. wait a beat before the lights come up*

*sitting down on the same chair from the beginning*

It's still raw. I mean, I remember the phone call as if it was yesterday.