Puzzle pieces and flying paper (Chapter 1)

Puzzles are simple and straightforward, the world isn't.

When you start a puzzles you have one goal. Solve them. Life is entirely different. An exponentially growing game with perpetual possibilities. More times than not you get glitched out of the best path suck in limbo.

This might be the cause of my obsession, yet who can really know. I grasp puzzles better than life anyway. Puzzles and me go way back, a reluctant one sided love story since I found an decrepit moldy one hundred piece puzzle in my fourth home. I remember the chilling attic room I hide away. The rotten and tangy sent of the rats a familiar one. They scurried in the dark never fully declaring their presences. The life changing puzzle was in one of the numerous boxes clogging up the cramped space. The box maze constructed overtime was my playground and the treasures inside brought brief excitement. Imagination often took over to defend my raw mind from the harsh truth. Acting as if the boxes were buried treasure was my favorite and it was during my daily game I found the unsuspecting puzzle. 

The box was nothing special, however five year old me was positive it hide secret treasure that land pirates left for me to find. Something special for me and only me. The white of the cardboard showed stains from years of use. The once strong material was flimsy with age. My small hands reached for the lid and revealed sticky spider webs and its makers above the multiple colorful pieces. The beady eyes of the arachnids dared the little girl to take their treasure. Fearless as a five year old, I reached in and watched the cowardly spiders rush off to find another treasure chest to guard.

There was no image of the what the puzzle once was. That along with many of the pieces were gone over time. Hours that old puzzle was my joy. Even with much of the pieces being unrecognizable I found the act of putting them together soothing. The second the last piece was placed I felt lucid to the world. A novel concept for me at the time. The light from the single window shown brighter and I felt that the partially constructed image of the sea silently thanking me. Since then puzzles of all types engulf my being. I have always been that one puzzle piece that fits nowhere and I embrace it from that day on.

A notification on my phone brings me out of the depressing thoughts. The alert was about the new puzzle of the day on one of the many puzzle apps which reside on my phone. 

Though I have many types of puzzle games, jigsaw and escape rooms are my guilty pleasure. One tap allows me to attempt the puzzle.

Unlike most puzzle apps this one doesn't show what the final product would be. It is a guessing game till the last jigsaw piece. So similar to life I muse. 

Half way through the puzzle an image of the Earth starts to connect itself. Yet, something was off. I figured out why minutes later.

Congratulations, you completed the puzzle. Blazed across the screen. I look down at the puzzle, trying to grasp why half of the 500 puzzle pieces were missing. Earth was left incomplete. Half of our planet was the endless black of the game's background. Then realization struck.

A chuckle wracked my body. Not a warm and kind one, but one engulfed in dark humor and understanding. They made the puzzle to represent the broken world we live in now. We are no longer whole. It's today's Earth.

Recovered from the uncontrollable mirth I reached down and grasped the cool metal zipper of my bag which rested by my sneaker clad feet. The shock of the metal made me hesitate for a second.  Shaking off the feeling I slipped my phone into my brown canvas bag and decided to actually participate in class. And by participating I meant listen. That's the most I really do in school. I am no Einstein, I thought to myself a hard smile over taking my face.

If anyone saw the smile they would have seen a girl with sunken eyes and a manic grin covering her blood lips. The thought just makes my smile grow from manic to serial killer freaky. 

Brushing away the thoughts my face returns to my resident indifferent and lackluster mug. Ears tuned to listening.

"It happened 17 years ago. Our world was cut in half and replaced with a whole new one that many believe to only exist in legend. That day half the world became hell only divided by the void. The line which intersects our two worlds. Only a small few could cross to either side. Based on our research the majority of legends and myths we have today come from Algus, the world past the void. Can any one summarize what happened after it appeared?" Questioned Mrs. H to the class. Only one hand shot up and to no one's surprise it was Alex. The twig-like boy with carrot colored hair and a face swallowed by freckles. He was the resident teacher's pet. He's always been that way since I met him three years ago. 

"Yes Alex" Mrs. H sighed while shaming all of the other students with her glare. Alex, as oblivious as ever, proceeded with little hesitation. He was simple like that. "The unknown scared people and Algus was no different. So fear caused much conflict in negotiations with the race of people from Algus. Demons. Since they looked different people thought they were mindless monsters so the leftover nations built the walls we know today along the edge of the void. With the help of the mediums they even..." 

A sharp clap halted Alex from continuing his rant.

"Okay Alex, thanks for that very elaborate and detailed explanation, but I was only asking for a simple answer considering you were taught this your whole life." Mrs. H said, a sweet smile on her face for her favorite student. Only if you looked hard would you see a vein pounding on her clenched jaw. I guess even the teacher has a limit for how much Alex Hase she can take. 

I chuckle at the irritated look that swamped Alex's face. Abandoning his straight posture he attempts to melt back into his chair. Since he was positioned in the front he could feel the pressure of everyone's eyes on his back which I could tell only encouraged him to try hard in becoming the air he breathed. I was close enough to hear gurgling from his slouched form. He probably hadn't gotten to his main point like normal. He likes his rants.

Returning my attention to the window I thought of Alex's words. Our world was once a whole planet. Adults say there used to be much more land. They talk about a large country called Russia and the rice farms in Asia. The whole continent called Australia, known for famously large bugs. It is always hard to comprehend that half our world is gone. Replaced with half of another world. We lost so much but our generation doesn't understand that, at least that's what all the adults say when they tell their stories. And stories are all they are to many. Remnants of a past no one has hope to recover. 

Sighing I look up just in time to see a paper football come flying at me. With little time to prepare for impact the projectile mashed itself in my eye.

 "CRUD!"I cried holding my eye trying to fight off the burning pain. "Crud, crud crud, CRUD!" I moaned into my desk. The cool surface on my forehead helps but does very little for my pounding eye. Being positioned in the center of the room I could feel everyone observing my outburst but all hesitate to say anything. I now understand how animals in zoo's feel. 

Shrugging off my audience I spot the unassuming paper football which landed under my desk. The outside had a name on it. Maggie. Dragging the note closer with my foot I reach down and clutch the offending paper. Eyeing the name with disdain. I turn around and pass the note to Maggie. The blonde haired girl looked honestly shocked. She mouthed sorry as she grasped the note. Her hand was shaking. Irritated, I huffed. Turning around I scanned for the culprit who threw the paper. 

Everyone seemed to be avoiding my gaze. Nothing new, but one pair of eyes made contact with my dark brown ones. The shocked look in his blue eyes silently conveyed a plea for forgiveness. Grinding my teeth I just shook my head making the boy look down in shame at his blunder. 

The scrape of my chair echoed in the quiet room. I grasp my bag and books with my free hand and extricate myself from the sea of desks. I need an ice pack I thought through the flashes of burning pain.

 During this whole scenario Mrs. H was talking as if nothing happened. She was a great history teacher but in her eyes you can tell she was done. Done with teaching and dealing with ungrateful teens who don't care to even listen most of the time. She turned and asked the class to do something meanwhile starring at me. Her dark eyes had wrinkles swallowing them. A hawkish nose had a upturn tilt to it and thin lips were pursed, covered in ruby red lipstick. Black hair was pulled back against her skull with streaks of grey making her age show even more. Her wrinkled grey slacks and silken stained white button up make the red of her lips evermore striking. She was reminiscent of an old black and white film if it wasn't for those lips. She was an old film placed in an all colored world. Something that just doesn't fit in a high school classroom.

Turning away from the contact I walk to the wooden door. The creak of the ungreased hinges filled the room as the old door moved to let me through. The burn of everyone's gaze could have lit me and it on fire. This was a splendid start to my day.

Author's Note

Hope you enjoy and I am open for suggestions. I will add more chapters when done.

Reviews

[Nathan Cavaliere]

I saw your review of my story and just decided that I may return the kindness. Also, I saw your work posted on the Teenage Writing Clan and I always like to check out what is posted there. Now, let's see what we have got here.

A Criticism of Puzzle Pieces and Flying Paper

Overview


You’ve fallen into the classic trap I see in a lot of YA fiction where you write in a very direct and unemotional style and are a little too obvious in the beginning. It’s not a bad idea for a story, but the way it is told is not good at keep attention and doesn’t have much of a mood to it. You may want to reconsider what mood you are going for and plan it accordingly.

Plot

Seeing as how I am just looking at the exposition, I really don’t want to gauge plot too strictly just yet. The idea of half the world being replaced with some other planet has some interest to it, but as of now we don’t have enough details to really have a good idea of what is going on. Which to be fair is only expected from a single chapter of a novel. I wild save my comments for plot later.

Characters

Your characters are a little too simple and one-dimensional, behaving more like cartoon characters than real people would. Each person seems to show one trait, and they are like exaggerations of this. The teacher is strict, Alex is a know-it-all, and the main character is depressed. You can have all of these traits of course, but if they are the only trait it makes them hard to relate to and be invested in. Maybe work to show a little more of their other characteristics other than the kinds that are just vehicles to story. Bonus points if you display traits early on that hint at each character’s actions later.

If you need some with characterization, maybe think about the people you know in real life and how they act. If what I have observed myself and learned from others is half-accurate, then although people may have identifiable traits, they don’t always strictly adhere to them and will sometimes deviate. And think about what some of the secondary traits of each character would be and try to develop a set of traits for them rather than just a single trait that is emphasized. If you have the time and are interested enough, I would advise you to do some research into psychometrics and try to think up a full profile for each character.




Language

Your language use is a little simplistic, and it is not good at showing the mood. You mention that the world is in chaos, fear, and uncertainty, yet everything looks like a 2000’s classroom with people that act perfectly normal. For a world we are told is a mess, it seems a whole lot like everything is functioning the way it always has. Think about how you describe everything, and how you can use that to emphasize a view of this worldwide entropy. Ask yourself what a world would resemble according to this character’s worldview. You can look to some notable sources of Gothic fiction, like Dracula, Frankenstein, or Poe, for some advice on how to do this. What is the weather like? What is the body language of everyone around like? What are their health conditions like: if everyone is sickly or gasping for breath it could represent the theme even better? Does the main character’s smart phone function as perfectly as they would like (people with a lot of sorrow like she does tends to see a roadblock in the simplest of setbacks? What do the buildings around look like? What does everyone sound like, and do the noises around take on special qualities? What does the world around smell and taste like? Anything special about the lights? You need to really think about the atmosphere and get us really involved in the story. Otherwise, it can be kind of a dull read.

Theme

You state your theme right at the beginning, and that isn’t always the best option to go with. I am sure you are familiar with the principle of showing rather than telling. Don’t just say that the world is straightforward and that puzzles are the main character’s escape, show it in their behaviours. This simple fact may not become clear until much later in the story, but that is fine. If you state everything up front, then it doesn’t allow the reader to think through the story and try to find the theme themself, which can make it seem less interesting. Letting the reader come to their own conclusion tends to make them ponder the text more and become more interested, as they don’t always know what happens next.

Genre

It’s not very clear from the start what genre you are trying to go for. There isn’t much of a mood set at the beginning, so we don’t get a good indication of how the rest of the story should go. Think more closely about what mood you want this text to follow and how you can show that.

Are you going for a more tragic or horrific bend? Add in more ominous details that hint that something bad is soon to come. Characters may be in bad health, technology doesn’t work the way it is supposed to, a storm is brewing but hasn’t come, something is distorting lights and sound, weird sounds can be heard in the distance, etc. If you are going for a more adventurous or romantic mood, then maybe consider giving hints that there are some good things to come amongst all this chaos. Maybe light shines through the clouds, a few flowers are still growing in the chaotic environment, a few kids or animals are outside playing, there is still some really good food or drinks around, etc. If you are going for something closer to a mystery or thriller, maybe hide some things in the environment that are just barely noticeable but still catch the main character’s attention: think about what would still be ominous, but not enough to be scary, and there is something curious about it: there are weird small animals that the main character can’t identify because they keep fleeing from her site, a strange light is shining in the distance that she can’t find the color of, the main character feels like she recognizes something in a puzzle but can’t quite place what it is, she feels like people’s voices are off but can’t quite tell why, she has some kind of pain or odd sensation but can’t identify why it is occurring, etc. Keep in mind that you don’t need to follow just one genre, you can follow as many as you would like

Verdict

Not a bad idea for a story, but right now it seems more like an idea than something fully fleshed out. Think more about what moods and themes you want the audience to feel and put that more into the story. Make your characters a little more relatable and fully dimensioned. Remember to show everything through explanations, not just state it directly. I think this has a lot of potential in it that in its current form just isn’t being tapped.

[lyra Kellson]

You have helped me so much with this review. Thank you so much for the detailed response. I am going to go back and add changes that you suggested. You brought up countless suggestions that will help me alot in the present and future. I know I am not the greatest but you gave me a starting point to become better.

[Nathan Cavaliere]

I am glad that I could help! When we are just starting out none of us are that excellent at writing, so we can do a lot to help each other. As you were seeing with Tragedy of Phantasms, I am not a perfect writer either. Look forward to seeing your works in the future.

[Nathan Cavaliere]

A Reconsidered Criticism of Puzzle Pieces and Flying Paper

You actually addressed a lot of my concerns in your rewriting, and I am largely impressed by it. The new language you added is really artistic and I feel is especially good at creating a captivating mood. I am getting a sort of ominousness, mystery, and lethargy, but tinged with a kind of adventurousness and hope. Its a type of mood I see somewhat commonly in adventure literature, great examples being Dracula, The Dream-Quest of Unknown Kadath, Robinson Crusoe, and Lord of the Rings. It clearly hints that the world is currently hitting the fan, but there is still hope for life to be at least somewhat happy.

Your characters too I think are certainly less caricatured. The description of the teacher as a black and white photograph actually says a lot. The tiredness and sternness is still there, but we also get a kind of wistfulness and desire to return back to the way things where before Algus wrecked everything. And we see in her patience with Alex that a part of her still cares. Its actually really sad that in this world even the teachers are dissatisfied with there place in life. Teaching careers have some of the highest job satisfaction in the entire world, so the concept that even the teachers of the world have grown tired paints a really sad world indeed. If the priests start to grow exhausted of teaching sermons, then we know things really have gown downhill.

The way that Alex slumps downs after being corrected by the teacher actually says quite a lot about his personality. He is clearly intelligent and appears to have some sort of confidence, but this arrogance is really thin and easily broken. The fact that he is so defeated when his lecture is interrupted indicates that really the only thing which keeps him confident is his intelligence, and if he can’t show it then he doesn’t feel like he can handle the world. The way that he is afraid of everyones looks also seems to say that he doesn’t have any friends in the class. It makes me wonder what could have happened to make him like this. He might not have had the best parenting, he might be bullied, maybe the state of the world just makes someone so impressionable feel panicked, or maybe he is suffering from some kind of irrational anxiety.

The theme is still a little direct for my tests, but to be completely honest thats pretty common for literature to do. Still, I think that saying that puzzles are the only thing that relieves her sorrow may detract from the story. The directness of the claim prevents the reader from trying to ponder why she may be behaving the way she does, and that can kind of shut down an audience. If you imply this however by saying how she constantly plays puzzles and does it after anxious moments or something like that then we are left to question the behaviour, and it makes us ponder further her behaviour. It tends to be a lot more attention getting if the reader has to piece together what is going on themself, as it always causes them to try to gather proof for this theory as they read. Also, not directly stating the puzzles are what gives life meaning for the main character would be even more indicative of the chaos of the world. She seems real confident in that one fact for a world which seems to be indicative that no one is confident in anything. I remember from my college-level Psychology course that those who have compulsive behaviours often are completely unaware of the reason as to why they feel those compulsions, and I think this can be applied to the main character here to emphasize that kind of emotion.

All of the main pieces of criticism, let’s talk about the Geography of this new Earth and the implications of that. Russia, All of Asia, and Australia are gone. Either the way that the Earth is cut is uneven and Africa was untouched, or the Earth was cut in a roughly straight vertical line and the Eastern half of Africa is gone too (but the narrator forgot to mention it). That leaves us with All of the Americas, Most of Europe, and at least the Western half of Africa (if not all of Africa). That is real bad. A lot of food products come from East and Southeast Asia, and a lot of countries in Europe and the US have a surplus population which relies on imported food. When Algus swung around, we are looking at a massive famine in the US and Western Europe. And West Asia and Russia are where a lot of the fossil fuel reserves are, so we are looking at a sudden decrease in power as well.

I wonder how they would respond to that. Seeing the massive famine coming, I would imagine that very few countries would just take the moral high ground and accept their suffering. Call me cynical, but I could definitely see the US and Europe trying to evade famine by tightening their grip on the weaker South and Central American countries and trying to squeeze food products and oil out of them in a desperate bid to prevent a massive population decrease. Africa would be easy to push around as well, but if this is a contemporary story (as indicated by the smart phone) then Africa would probably be desertified by this point and the soil would be ineffective at growing much.

You may want to consider what this reduction in the world would have depending on where your character is. If the story takes place in the US and Europe, they are likely suffering an unprecedented energy deficit and sudden population reduction from famine. The former super powers of the world are no longer looking so powerful. There are probably a lot of calls to conquer parts of South and Central America to get food, and maybe wars have even begun. It’s likely that some of the main characters own family have been drafted to fight into this conflict. If the story takes place in Central or South America, then the main character is likely horrified any moment of an incoming invasion. Latin America isn’t in the Dark Ages and is all too well aware of their new position in the world. The teachers are probably giving them drills on what to do in case of an air raid. If the story is set in Africa, then what’s probably going to be immediately noticeable is a very sudden drop in the power of the Islamic faith. The Holy Land is obliterated, and the remaining members of the Sunni Clergy are left without the former resources of the larger Mosques in West Asia. A major unifying force in Africa just went down in one fell swoop, and a second wave of European encroachment is looking all the more likely. You will probably see a rise in nationalism as each country resorts back to their traditional faiths and cultural traditions, making communication in the region a lot harder.

That removal of Asia is a real hit the world and I think you ought to consider what kind of effect that has. Although this may have been the 21st Century as we knew it at one point, it isn’t anymore. I think it could make the world seem a lot more immersive if you consider the cultural and political mayhem that is going on and how that affects the life of the characters.

[lyra Kellson]

Thanks for going over my work again. To clear up some questions you bring up they are placed on the edge of the void where Algus is. During the early years of the town they were hit with air raid like you may suspect because the world was in a uproar about this new, seemingly impenetrable world. Now after many years the remaining countries are not wasting resources on this invincible area so they leave the towns and people alone. The area is considered a no man's land. With no use for this area you find that the towns along the borders hold few people and many are over run or ruled by gangs rather than normal law enforcement which the country has no way to pay.

For geography in my brain I placed the characters in a small town a few miles east of the Algus border. They would be located in Southern California on the water.

The border where algus is from the 123rd meridian west line to the 57th meridian east line. This makes part of the west coast of America and Canada missing. Then the 57th line takes away majority of Russia and all of the Asian and Australian countries gone. What we have remaining is part of America and Canada. All of the european countries, South America and Africa.

In this world they lost Russia which is one of the world's superpowers and lost the majority of the technology manufacturing areas such as China. I know some portions of history and knowledge of the areas and significance but not everything.

The town which they reside in is better off than most since surfers come from around the worlds to sail the waves there. The town makes money off of the tourist so they can stay afloat better than most towns which have turned to ruins in the past 17 years.

[Nathan Cavaliere]

Something you should probably be aware of that if the area missing is between the 57th East Meridian and 123rd West Meridian, then and Russia and all of Asia are not actually gone. While it is true that the Siberian portions of Russia are gone, the European portion is actually still intact, and the European portion is where the vast majority of the population of Russia actually is (Siberia is too cold and desolate to support big cities). With this current arrangement Russia would take a hit because it lost its oil supplies in Siberia, but wouldn't suffer a major population decrease. Also, most of the Middle East is West of the 57th East Meridian, which means that not all of Asia is there.

Given those circumstances, the famine in the US and Europe would occur, but the technological deficit may not be as major. Fuel is still plentiful in North America, the Middle East, and North Africa. Of course tech production would be greatly reduced by the loss of China, but a lot of the European countries have the resources necessary to make up for at least some of the difference. So once again, still a technological failing, but not as big as one as might be expected.

If you want to remove Russia and all of Asia, then the portion East of the 30th East Meridian would need to be gone.

If it is true that the towns on the border of Algus are either overrun or controlled by gangs, then this raises some questions about how the main character is living the way she does. First off, she is going to school. Usually schools are publicly funded, and the way you described it made it sound like the government couldn't operate well in border towns. This means that the ruling gang is either arranging schools themself or allowing a private company to take care of it for them. It is infeasible that a company would ever venture resources into a so called no man's land, and it is kind of bizarre behaviour for a gang to fund a school. I suppose the gang could see some interest in being benevolent and funding schools though. This must be a really unique gang then which has a strangely good standing with the community. It could be interesting to further characterize the rogue government of this town and look into what their moral code is like, because there is clearly some set of ethics there.

Also, if the areas on the border are hopeless, then how did the main character get her phone shipped into the area? Clearly it is not a no man's land as you describe it if companies are still willing to ship into the area. Third, if the border areas are so terrible and dangerous, why are peopling touring the area in such large numbers to fund an economy? Wouldn't people be too afraid to go into "unhallowed" land like this?

Although you say that border towns are hot messes, the lifestyle of the main character and the details of the town clearly indicate that they are better put together than some kind of Nuclear Disaster Site. You may want to either change some of these factors about her life, or possibly explain why things aren't so bad in this place in comparison to other border towns. Tourism money could definetely help it be more manageable, but that itself doesn't explain why people are willing to tour so close to Algus.

[lyra Kellson]

To explain the touring it is simple, atheist in my mind. If a new attraction showed up tomorrow wouldn't there be certain types of people who want to see the area. This happens all the time in our world. People travel to new places that contain danger just to see something unique and unusual. In this case it is finding the closes place to stay before reaching the border. The town has decent amenities and service for the area so tourists from all over, especially the rich travel to see the wall of fog and get a glimpse of this other world. I have to say I would want to as well.
The town is not the best but make enough by being a safer place to be than any of the other border towns which are still standing. With the town standing from before the collapse they have a decent foundation. Many refugees who didn't or couldn't leave the area came to this town and stayed after the fact. The town has a larger population so many people cooperate to make this town safe, such as the gangs.
This leads the the gang which runs the area. I always was going to make the gang a large part of the book because it is the base for alot of peoples action. They work with the sorta government in this area to help protect and fund the area. The funding may not always be legally oquired but the town ignores that for the fact they need the funds to survive.
The part about the smart phone will come up in the next few chapters but it has something to do with corrupt mayor of sorts of this town. The major it Alex's mother and she has the ability to get tech which is seen more in the in lands where more people live. Many people in the town know about the major using these benefits but don't sag anything because she has done so much for the town since she founded it 17 years ago. Even though the major is left alone you can see how kids who hear about her being selfish and wanting to do something about it so they bully the her kid. Kids often do things based on what their parents beliefs are. Hopefully this gives you a little highlight into future chapters.

Oh and thanks you for the information about Russia. I honestly had no clue about that, but the world is the way I think it should be because they are still in a okay society but with some major drawbacks that over the last 17 years hopefully would be figure out.

If you think anything else about my logic is fishy then please say so. Your knowledge has helped me solidify the world and understand what and what I can use in this society.

[Nathan Cavaliere]

While it is true that people tend to go to exotic locations despite the danger, the border into Algus would be on a whole other level of fear and terror. This plant of darkness swallowed continents whole and killed literal billions of people. This world is so dangerous that when the US military, which would be the biggest and strongest in the world at this time, wasn't able to retake their territory from the darkness. And apparently dangerous things are still emerging from Algus to overrun towns. This isn't like climbing Kilimanjaro or going spear fishing in shark infested waters, this is liking taking a leisure visit in Chernobyl or vacationing in the ruins of Hiroshima. Its not just dangerous, but it also carries an aspect of tragedy with it, and poses an existential threat to the world itself.

Now of course, some people would still be interested in border towns anyway. Likewise, there are actually people who scour the ruins Hiroshima. I just question if there would be enough people with enough disregard for their own safety and to make this town thriving.

Now of course, you don't need to be perfectly realistic for a fiction story. You can be a little dubious with the logic at times. You just have to be careful not to do it so much that the audience loses suspension of disbelief.

And there is also the possibility that I highly overestimate the human sense of self preservation and respect for their own life, but hey, I can't always be perfect. I am just extrapolating based on what I know about the fates of disaster sites currently existing in the world.

Its perfectly fine if you want to keep the world the way it is, but if so you ought to change the text around a little more to match this. People certainly wouldn't be mourning the loss of Russia if the most populous parts of Russia are still there.

Anyway, I am certainly interested to see how this society is functioning in the upcoming chapters. It seems like there is a lot of interesting questions this disaster raises on how it changes the sociology of the world.

And just to be clear, most of your logic I didn't necessarily find wrong or suspicious, I was just raising questions to ponder you to do some world-building. I am sure you could readily come up with a rational explanation for most things, I just wanted to make sure you knew what that explanation was and mentioned it in future chapters.

[lyra Kellson]

You have some very fair points and I will be going over the world building with a few people so they can help me. Hopefully by that time I will have a better world with the logic standing.
Thanks for telling me about Russia. It is good to know they are still there but losing alot of territory effected them alot. I can't wait for you to read my next chapter next week. Thanks so much.

[Charlotte]

Hi,

I found your story through another review and after reading it, I wanted to leave you a nice comment.

First and foremost, you are so talented.This is so creative and interesting. I see a lot of potential in this, and its as good as a lot of published books out there today. It is not fair to compare you to the works of others when you are skilled enough to stand on your own, but If I had to say it heavily reminds me of J.K. Rowling and Harry Potter in the way you express yourself and chooses what to lay focus on. But you have made this story your own.

You include the characters beautifully. I can see your beginning is hinting that this story is more focused on a plot, and I feel like nowhere throughout this do the characters steal the attention from that. It is easy to follow. I love your transitions and it does not get too complicated word-wise, which I believe do not suit this kind of story because you are giving the reader a lot of information. Writing with too big words and a complicated plot can really tire out the reader. I found this very intriguing and I am so looking forward to future chapters. It will be interesting to see what you can do with your creativity and skills; really, I am a big fan.

The character description is so creative and fresh. I like the fact that you describe the character and her emotions through her obsession with puzzles, it is incredible smart and not easy to do.”I remember the chilling attic room I hide away”, points to that she likes to be on her own. ”The rotten and tangy sent of the rats a familiar one. They scurried in the dark never fully declaring their presences.” She takes notice to the more gothic/darker things, and is not much of a wuss. ”however five year old me was positive it hide secret treasure that land pirates left for me to find” She is very creative and an imaginative sort of girl. It brings focus to the essential thing, it does not draw attention from the plot or the main focus: the puzzles.

Contrast with emotions, thoughts, characters are very well done. The contrast between the main character and Alex is really interesting, I suppose he will have a part further along in the story ? Mrs. H is also very interesting, and her contrast with the main character, you paint a picture of her very well and portray her emotions clearly. As this is the introduction, you present them beautifully and easily. I will remember these characters throughout the book, instead of giving too much information and it all just become a big blur of who the character is. It is smart. It leaves a mystery that makes the reader want to explore them further. And since this is a first-person point of view story, seeing it from the aspect of the main character, it enhances the feeling of being and the classroom and experiencing it for yourself. I think you really did a good job here.

Environmental description I think does not matter much in this introduction, it is better to really put forward the plot, otherwise it is confusing to know where to put focus. It is not a long piece, and I feel like I needed the time to get to know the character first and to get a grip around the more basic things. This is what most writers do, also singers, it is used in almost anything creative. You start of steadily, so the audience gets the idea of the story, and then things unravel more and more intensely. That is what really give the climax of the story/the point of no return. If you give it all in the beginning and keep it going throughout, it becomes boring and emotionless.

The plot, as I said, has potential. It reminds me a bit of ’Life is Strange’ the video game, and I can’t wait to see which way you are going with this.

Overall, It is not complicated to follow. An introduction should look exactly like this but the grammar maybe needs some adjusting, also the repetitive use of the word ’puzzle' would be something to give a thought to. Overall, I really don’t think you should change much about this. It is easy to overwork, it is easy to get too structured and complicated, it is easy to loose track of what really interested us about this story from the first place when we think too much about our achievement. I think you should be proud of this, it is of very high class. If you continue as you are now, I think you will really exceed in writing. Stay this creative, learn through your work and dare to explore. Beautiful work. Very well done.

If you have any questions or confusions about my review, please write. I will look into it immediately.

Great Work.

[lyra Kellson]

Thanks so much for the stellar review. I have been busy for the past week so I haven't had the time to work fully on the 2nd chapter. I'm very happy you understand the characters how I think of them in my head, it is very hard to do that sometimes. I would love for you to read the next chapter when I am finished. If you have anything of yours which you have written and love tell me and I will be sure to return the favor. Have a great day.

[emmajoy]

Your imagination has really taken you on an extreme adventure.. and there are so many tangents to it, I need to come back a few times to read slowly and carefully. From what I understand on first glance, you have great ideas, a sackful maybe that needs to cut back a little. Will see the next time I visit.

Meantime, congratulations at being brave enough to invite people to leave suggestions.. that really does take courage. But, go slowly, Remember you are your own mistress, always remember that. Will be back.. Keep safe. Emma

[lyra Kellson]

Thank you for reading my story and I will try to make it clearer for the reader. Hope you have a great day.