Nicholas Jonas kissed me. Very few girls can say that. And after Nicholas Jonas kissed me, he asked me to be his girlfriend. Even fewer girls can say that... But after Nicholas Jonas kissed me and asked me to be his girlfriend, I said no. I don't think any girl could say that... It's not like I wanted to, really...but in a way I had to, because of what has come. Now that it's mid-October, I've already been in school for a while. Grade ten began just about a month and a half ago.
I should be more excited about school, since this is my second year of high-school, but I guess anyone could say that I've had a little too much on my mind...like usual. The Jonas Brothers have just ended their prom-themed tour, the Marvelous Party Tour, and began the Best of Both Worlds Tour with Miley Cyrus. I'm going to go to all of the local shows that I can with my dad when they come around here.
"Elise, could you give us the answer? ...Elise?"
I quickly snap out of my thoughts, "Yes, Miss?"
"Can you give us the answer to question 12B?"
"Oh -- yeah..." I flip through my notebook. "It's 4x2 + 3x -15."
"Thank you, that is correct," she writes my answer on the chalkboard slowly. "Now, as I was saying before..."
I zone out again, letting Miss Khol's voice fade into the background. This is my math class; second period. My teacher's name is Miss Kohl, as you could've already guessed. Now, this teacher is old. Like, she is dying. She looks like a skeleton, and she doesn't even teach us... It seems like she just talks to herself instead of the students. Things like this are the reasons why I don't think the word "school" deserves to have the word "cool" in it... In this class, I sit in the back row with Leah two seats over from me, and Alex in front of me. I usually just stare at the back of his curly head.
Waiting in the lunch line has already become the old routine all over again. Every day, I'll stand in line and get my food with Danny, one of my best friends. He is such a sweetie. He is the coolest, funniest, bestest, best friend ever...out of all the guys, anyways! Other than in the hallways between classes, lunch is one of the only times I get to see him, since he's a year older than me. He's really an interesting guy, though. I've definitely got to talk to him more often.
"Hey, Ellie... Her hair could get you free rides on fire trucks!" Danny whispers to me, implying our new lunchlady. Her head is pretty much the color of ketchup...
"And I thought red was supposed to be the colour of hot!" I whisper back to him, making him release a chuckle.
"Whew, I'm spent!" The guy in line behind us sighs. "Now, where's my grilled cheese sandwich?!"
Surprisingly, the lunchlady laughs, shaking her head, and places a grilled cheese sandwich on the boy's tray.
"Thanks, mom!" He gives her a wide grin.
Danny and I give each other the same look, and (after obtaining our meals) we hurry the heck out of there. Moments later, after spotting Erin with her 'bicolour hair for the rocker elite,' we arrive at our lunch table. I take a seat next to Leah. Once I'm settled, I take a small sip of my chocolate milk.
"HIYA, ERIN!" A short, stocky boy appears out of nowhere, making me almost spit out my milk.
"HOLY, MOLY!" Erin jumps out of her seat. "Jerry, what did I say about lunch times?!"
"You said to address the table before I address you."
"Exactly, Jerry!" Erin sits back down, tensely. "And the reason I said that was so that things like this wouldn't happen!"
"But I wanted to surprise you this time!" He grins, making his cheeks appear even pudgier.
"Well, it worked...in an alarming way!" She rolls her eyes, and then whispers to me. "The image of his face will remain seared on my memory forever."
I burst out laughing, almost spitting out my milk yet again.
"You know that stuff's bad for you?" Jerry tells me, referring to my chocolate milk.
"What?" I look at it in my hand. "What are you talking about?"
"Jerry, chocolate milk is healthier than white milk," Erin groans, simply wanting him to go away.
"Yeah, it has more vitamins and stuff!" Danny agrees with her.
"Yeah, Jerry, they're right..." Leah pitches in, honestly.
"No, you guys!" He insists. "Chocolate milk is white milk that was almost about to go bad, so then they made it into chocolate milk!"
"Okay...whatever, dude..." Danny gives up.
"That's why it's so much thicker!" Jerry continues.
"Hah!" I laugh. "What kind of milk do you drink, then? I bet it isn't skim milk!"
Everyone at the table bursts out laughing, as Jerry leaves, unable to prove his point.
"So how long has the kid been following you now?" Danny asks Erin.
"Oh, God, I don't know. Ever since I started tutoring him, I guess," she goes to take a bite of her salad, but decides against it. "Like, he's mesmerised by me! It's like all of a sudden, he just started following me like a seeing-eye dog. I try to avoid him as much as possible, and I also try not to speak to him, either...except to say, 'Uh, will you go away...A LOT?!'"
We all laugh at Erin's rather large misfortune, as Leah leans over to me.
"Hey, Ellie," she says in a low voice, waggling her eyebrows up and down. "A certain sexy someone is headed in your direction."
"What! Who?" I turn around to see Alex coming my way. Turning back to Leah, I start laughing.
"I think my heart just lagged," I say, sarcastically, in a nerdy voice. Erin, Danny, and Leah burst out laughing again as Alex reaches our table."You know what, Ellie?" Alex asks, taking a seat beside me. "It really seems that something about you is just getting folks going lately!"
"Yeah, I think your right, Alex," I grin a little at his realization. "Even I've noticed that!"
"So, Alex," Erin turns to him. "I heard your in Ellie's math class. I thought you were my age."
"It's not my fault!" He laughs. "The only reason I failed geometry is because I refused to believe that pie are squared!"Everyone laughs, as Danny whispers to me, "...At least he's being honest!"
"Oooh, look who's about to ruin the mood," Leah informs everyone by leaning over the table.
All of our heads turn to the left to see Bridget coming our way, wearing a sickening pink argyle sweater vest.
"Wow..." Leah states again. "Who knew argyle could be so brutally condescending?"
"Tell me about it," Alex laughs. "Do not look directly into her shirt!"
"Yeah...that shirt lets a little too much necky neck show, if you know what I mean!" I frown at her usual immoral manner.
"Ugh," Erin groans. "Her face reminds me of her voice, and her voice reminds me of how much of a pain she is."
"Oh, dear. This may not be our lucky day, kids..." Danny declares plainly as Bridget stops and stands directly at the head of our table.
"Hey, guys! How've ya'll been lately?" She smiles artificially. Nobody answers.
"AH! BEHIND YOU! Just kidding," Erin smirks and chuckles to herself, as do the rest of us.
"You're weird," she sligtly backs away from Erin's side of the table.
"Hey, Bree?" Danny pipes up.
"Yes, Dannykins?" She bats her eyelashes teasingly at him. She's a dignified flirt if you haven't noticed.
"Uhh..." He muffles a laugh. "Sorry to break it to you, but you go to public school."
We all silently giggle at his remark about her clothing choice.
"You know, Danny?" She strokes his hair. "I'd love to stay and chat with you right now, but surprisingly, this time you're not the reason I came over to this table."
"Oh, yeah, Bree?" He fakes being let-down. "That's really too bad."
It's like Bree is Beethoven and boys are fiddles. She always finds ways to play them.
"I know...but I came over here to talk with Ellie!" She fake-smiles again, and squishes herself in between Alex and I.
"Yes?" I ask, nonchalantly, after a few moments of her staring at me. It's as if she was expecting me to talk.
"I heard that you're best friends with the Jonas Brothers."
"How did you hear about that?"
"Mandy.""Oh, of course," I nod slowly. I should have known. Bridget has been obsessed with Mandy ever since she found out that the Jonas Brothers wrote a song about her... I can't even imagine how she would act if she knew that Hello Beautiful was about me! ...Oh, the horrors that come to mind...
"So what are they like?" She asks impatiently, interrupting my thought process.
"Oh, yeah, they're really great guys...we really click. I'm so glad we're friends!" I ramble on. "I always have such great talks with them, and they always seem to put a smile on my face, you know? Like, Kevin just hates fruit, so he tells everyone that he's allergic to fruit of every kind. Ha ha, he's awesome. Oh, and Joe's favorite animal is Barney... Yeah, I can't wait to see them again."
"That's great! So what about Nick?" She asks immediately, making it feel like a huge flashing sign has lit up over my head, spilling my secrets.
"Uhh...what about Nick?" I ask her, playing dumb.
"What's he like, silly?!" She softly hits my shoulder, laughing. I can suddenly feel everyone's eyes on me.
"What's he like?" I restate her question; lost, and unsure of how to answer it suitably. "Nicholas is...he's... He's great... He's really shy at first, but once you're around him for a while, he'll start to get more comfortable, and be more like himself... And you know what's really awesome? I hadn't realized how much him and I had in common until we got talking...but we're really similar; it's crazy. I love how that works... He just makes me happy..."
"It sounds like somebody really likes him," Danny says in a suggestive tone.
"So is he sensitive, or is he a total heartbreaker? Or both?" Bree asks ever so overdramatically, ignoring Danny's comment.
"...Shut up, Bree," Erin moans.
Bridget's mouth hangs open in shock, or maybe anger, and I get a strange temptation to stick something in it...the end of my plastic fork, or my own finger.
"Whatever," she turns her head towards me again. I can't believe how anyone could spend more than a few minutes with her! If anyone did, they deserve a medal, or a holiday...or at least a nice cuddle from somebody! ...Like, even one week of her is just like - ...I mean, I wouldn't say Hitler, but...okay, yeah...Hitler.
"Do you miss him?" She asks further.
Do I miss him? Do I ever... I miss him so much. It scares me to think about how much I really need him. I wouldn't be as sane as I am today if it wasn't for him... How could I not miss him?
"Yeah, of course I do," I respond simply. "I miss them all."
"Aww, well I hope they come around soon," she gives me a short hug, and then stands up. "By the way, how do you feel about Nick dating Miley Cyrus?"
"What?" My head snaps around with turbulence and intensity.
"Yeah, they've been dating for a while now I heard... Oh, you didn't know?"
"I had no idea," I say through gritted teeth, trying to stay as calm as possible.
"Hmm...that's strange," she tilts her head, and pouts her lower lip. "I thought your best friend would've told you about something like that...but I guess not... See you later, Ellie," she leaves with a smirk.
It's so easy for a liar to pretend to feel sorrow when they actually feel none.
*
I’m stuck in wishful thinking mode. There are so many ways to be not quite over someone. Man, I’m angry and vengeful...sad and weepy...and just mildly deluded all at the same time. What’s my problem? I know I tell people I’m over Nicholas, because I know I’m supposed to be, and I want him to hear that I am, but there are still some feelings of hope lurking there...I don't even know why. Lately, I've been keeping so much to myself, with only my sad thoughts to keep me company, and it doesn't feel right. Those thoughts should have died when the two of us parted. I mean, what am I, crazy?! If I can't fix it, I shouldn't be giving it a second thought -- what's done is done! Everyone says it’s okay, because it's a natural stage of the getting over it process...but I guess if I want to truly be over him, I’ll have to try chalking up the thoughts of him as a bad habit that I’m trying to break. And I won’t just do it because of any effect it might have on him... I’ll do it for myself.
...So why on earth does love have such a good reputation? As far as I'm concerned, there's not much to like about it. Well, my experiences with love haven't been the greatest...I don't know about anyone else's. In my opinion, it can be torturous and raw -- whether you're the one getting hurt, or even if you're the one who's unintentionally hurting someone else. I just can't shake the feeling that if I open up my heart again, I might also be opening a whole new can of pain... (Actually, I'm exaggerating just a little, which is unusual for me!) But honestly, I think I just want someone that I can be completely honest with, and say anything to... But at the same time, there's something tempting about the thought of just holding each other close, without any drama...without saying a word.
"So just how kookoobananas do you really get over boys?" Erin asks, laughing. "First Alex, then Nick...and now Alex again?!"
"They both look the same, anyways," Leah smirks at me.
"I'm not kookoobananas over any boy, Erin," I roll my eyes. "And they so do not look the same!"
"Uh, they kinda do..." Erin tells me, honestly. "Like, I just thought I saw Alex on TV."
"What?" I turn my head to view the television. It turns out that channel nine is replaying footage of the Jonas Brothers at some kind of red carpet event.
"Whoa...who are you, cutie?!" Leah moves closer to the television as an attractive guy appears on the screen. I laugh at her.
"Relax, it's just pixels!" Erin smirks, and the Jonas Brothers appear on the screen once again. "Wow, Ellie...is your mind blown?!"
"Wow, you're right Erin!" Leah stares at the screen in awe. Drool. Drool. Drool. Drool. Drool. "They look so hot!"
Erin laughs, "Joe's suit is so swanky, it even comes with a handkerchief!"
"Ha...yeah, those boys do look pretty good," I have to agree...even though Nick's hair has gotten really long. But the ruffles on his shirt are not messing around...at all! I smile at his great sense of style, then raise my eyebrow, "It kinda looks like Nick is wearing man-lipstick...or a heck of a lot of chapstick!"
"Of course you would look at his lips," Leah smirks. I can do nothing but just roll my eyes and smile a little.
"OH, MY -" Erin cuts herself off. "Now...is...your...mind...blown?!"
Miley Cyrus appears on the TV, next to the Jonas Brothers...or should I say, next to Nick Jonas. There's no way they can be dating...is there? That would be so...ugh! I wouldn't like to think why...ew... I mean, come on...why her?!
Erin looks at me, understanding the current expression on my face, and smiles sympathetically, "Don't hate her 'cause she's living your dream life."
"It's not that!" My heart sinks in my chest, knowing completely that Erin was one-hundred percent right. "I just want to know what's up with the world lately...everything bites... I don't even want to talk about it."
No one says anything, leaving us in silence, besides the commentary of the television...so I decide to start talking.
"Things have been kind of un-great for the past while. I'm really in the mood to change my priorities...I think they're in the wrong order..." I open my mouth to continue, but nothing comes out. I sit there, speechless, staring down at my hands...and I slowly begin to come to my senses; realizing the huge mistake that I've been making all these weeks. "It makes me so sad that I won't get to hang out with the Jonases anymore, and talk 'til 4AM, and whatnot...it's not fair. I don't get why it had to be this way. I hope they don’t forget me... Man, if things don't pick up and start going right soon, I think I'm headed for a serious meltdown."
"So you pretty much need them like a donut needs a hole?" Erin asks me rhetorically. "Or would Nick be your donut hole?"
"Wait...so, who's the donut?" Leah asks.
"You guys," I laugh. "The only reason I admire Nicholas so much is because he's so...strong. He has a lot of inner strength that few other people possess. He seems more mature than other people my age... And he's the kind of guy who likes tough work-outs, just because they make him look even better in his designer clothes...ha ha!"
"Oh, come on, Ellie!" Leah groans, grabbing my arm. "Just admit that you and Nick are a match made in skinny jeans heaven!"
"Well..." I search for a response. "He did give me total jelly in the knee area..."
Erin and Leah do nothing but stare at me blankly, making it extremely hard to keep my mouth shut any longer.
"Okay, you guys...it's probably pretty obvious, but I kind of had a thing for Nick," I admit. They stare at me even harder. "Okay, fine! I definitely had a thing for Nick! But you know what? I can truly see now...I understand. It's in the stars that girls like me and boys like him are never meant to be together!"
Erin exhales completely, and Leah groans again, "Ellie!"
"What?!"
She gives me the same stare, "Are you dying? Don't you want this?!"
It's a bit stuffy and warm, and I get sort of an uneasy feeling.
"She's just enduring the turmoil of an undecided heart; that's all," Erin says to Leah, a little too overdramatically.
"What? Between Nick and Alex?! No way," I just laugh. "It's just that...well...I kinda sorta maybe liked Nick a lot more than I had originally planned."
"Liked?" Erin smirks. "Or like?"
"Erin, don't be hard on the poor girl," Leah says. "I mean, haven't you ever fallen in love with someone you shouldn't have fallen in love with? ...What am I thinking?! Gadzooks! Of course you have!"
"I wasn't in love with Nick!" I exclaim. But then, I remember what my mother had told me once: we end up hurting the worst; the only ones we truly love. And I really had hurt Nicholas that night... I can still see that pained look in his eyes... In that moment, I didn't just say the wrong thing... I said the wrongest thing ever...
"We're going to keep touring, you know, Elise," Nicholas tells me softly. "This time with Miley Cyrus, a.k.a. Hannah Montana... This is an extremely busy business, but it just keeps getting better and better for us...it's truly amazing..."
"I'm going back to school," I say plainly, as if Nick hadn't said anything previously.
"You're not gonna keep on touring with us?!" He moves away from me, completely shocked at what I had just said.
"I need to go back to school," I tell him. "I need to see my old friends."
"But my mom can be your teacher!" He pleads, anxiously. "My brothers and I never went to school... She taught us everything we know!"
I don't respond. I feel like my mind is already made up...and no matter what Nick says, it won't change my decision. I think the only thing that could interfere with this choice is the guilt of knowing I sort of lied to him... I do want to go back to school to see my old friends and everything...but the one of the main reasons I'm leaving the tour is because of him. Nicholas and I were getting really close lately...way too close. I just need to get away from it all before my mind has some kind of implosion.
I take a small breath, "I don't know what to say."
"Then don't say anything."
"I feel like crying... I hate that."
"...Here," he hands me a small box, and gives me his little side-smile; still with a strained expression. "So we will be with you always."
I look down at my silver necklace, and touch it softly with my forefinger. Today, Tomorrow, Forever...
"Ever come to a conclusion about something or someone," I ask aloud, "only to realize you were completely wrong?"
"Yeah, it kind of sucks if you break up with someone 'cause you think you don't like them anymore...then you realize a few months later that you do," Erin says. "Like, you can't confront yourself about it because you think it's wrong, right? Especially if you're the one who broke up with them. It sucks."
Leah smiles, "Personal experiences, I'm assuming?"
"Yeah," Erin nods. "Evan Ortiz."
"Oh, yeah," I smile as well. "I remember when you two dated."
"Mmhmm," she frowns slightly. "And we've been getting majorly closer lately."
"Is that bad?" Leah asks.
"Chyeaa! Like, we were talking earlier today, and we were so on the same wavelegth. And he's a really funny guy. He was talking to me today, and I was like cracking up; he made me laugh so hard," she frowns even more. "And his laugh...his laugh makes me melt. It is the cutest 'ha ha' I have ever heard, and it makes me love him even more."
"So why is all that stuff bad?" Leah asks again. "It all sounds pretty good to me!"
Erin sighs, "You know when you're dating someone, and you really like each other? Well, sometimes you get to that point where you're, like, second-guessing them. I know once you get over that point you're all good...but I guess I have a hard time dealing with it... That's why none of my relationships ever last over two months."
"But you could be on the edge of something new with him!" Leah insists.
"I know," Erin smiles a little. "I was thinking about asking him out...but then I was like: what if he says no?"
I take my cell phone out of my jeans pocket, and then stare at it for a few moments; contemplating with myself whether I should go through with this or not.
I finally speak up, "Shh, you guys...I'm phoning Nick right now.""Yeah, like that's your greatest idea today," Erin says sarcastically.
It's a phonecall I don't want to make...but I'm making it. I step outside my front door. Once I'm outside, I realize how desperatly I've wanted to call Nick these past weeks. I just want to apologize, and try to fix things between us. I slowly dial his number, making my stomach do flips inside of me. The phone rings a few times, but no one answers. He must be really ticked at me for something...or maybe he's just busy, like usual... I miss him so much, that for every ring, it feels like something is eating away at my heart slowly. I consider giving up; wondering if anyone would ever answer...until:
"Hello, and welcome to the Jonas hotline!" A male voice narrates from the other end. "How may I help you?"
"Umm...Joe?!"
"Ellie?!"
"Yeah, hi! Is Nicholas there?"
"Why do you want to talk to Nick?"
"Oh, I just wanted to ask him something," I say, a little uneasily.
"What'd you wanna ask him?" Joe asks, flirtingly. And then, in that moment, I realize that it would be so much easier to hear the truth about Nick and Miley from Joe, rather than from Nick himself.
"Are Nick and Miley dating?"
"Is Santa having an affair?" Joe laughs. "Who cares?"
"...I care..." I feel my heart sink into my chest. Tears begin to well up in my eyes. Feeling one slide down my cheek, I wipe it quickly away, and let out a quiet sniffle.
"Alright, then," he gives in. "I'll let you talk to him only if you tell me how cool I am."
I laugh a little, "Joseph Jonas...you are cooler than cool ever existed...and that's cool!"
"Awesome... I'll tell you more from showbiz land next time; hopefully with secret news full of excitingness and glam!"
"Ha ha, talk to you later!"
I hear the phone being passed, and the sound of slight indecipherable chatter, and then:
"Hello?" Nick's voice says, as I turn to mush. I would keep listening to that voice until my ears fall off, if I could... I wonder if he's really going out with anyone? How could he not be? "...Uh, hello?" He says again.
"Yeah, sorry, hi..." I say all too quickly, and a little awkwardly. "It's -"
"Ellie?!"
"Yeah, it's Ellie, hi..."
"How are you?!" He sounds like he's spazzing. He clears his throat, "I mean, uh... How are you?" He asks, in a more calm and laid back manner.
"Bored," I say. "Bored, bored, bored... But also sort of empty inside since you guys left."
"I know what you mean," he says, leaving us in momentary silence.
"So how's the tour going for you?" I begin to feel sort of slow and dumb.
"Um...it's alright," he tells me. "Really good for our fan base, you know? Like, we're getting so many new fans because of this. We're all pretty psyched right now!"
"That's so great for you guys," I tap my fingers against my leg impatiently, looking around my front yard. It's a lovely place to get the bejesus scared out of you at night time...especially since Halloween's coming up. "I guess sometimes life just sort of works out in your favour, huh?"
"Yeah...look; Ellie?" He asks, anxiously, as the background noise gets softer. He must have gone into another separate, more discrete room. "Is something wrong?"
Yeah, I'm trying not to think about the fact that you fully left me, broke my heart into a million jagged pieces, and then stepped on them.
"Wrong?" I ask in a completely false voice. "Nah... My life? It's bordering on perfect right now."
"...Elise," he says in that heart-melting tone of his. "You can't expect me to believe that for one second."
Nicholas lets out a frusterated sigh, and doesn't speak at first. I sense that he's going to continue anyways, so I don't bother to say anything in return.
"I'm a shy guy," he pipes up again. "And believe it or not, Elise, but shy guys are the easiest to talk to. I know it may not seem like it at first, but trust me...I'll start opening up like a book after you just ask me a couple questions... And if you're ever unsure about something, just go for it. Don't be afraid. Trust me, I'll let you know if you made a mistake."
"Okay, I know," I'm in a minor panic; my contributions are nonexistent, "but never mind...it's 100% dumb... It's just a total waste of time."
I always do this. I absolutely hate it when people bring something up, but never go on to finish saying what they want to say...and somehow I always end up doing it! There must be some other way of getting my thoughts across... But when I left the Jonas Brothers, it was probably one of the worst things that I've ever done. I can't stop thinking about how much it hurts. It's my fault, not their's -- and that's where I've been going wrong this whole time.
"Actually, you know what?" I ask Nicholas again, after our few moments' silence. "I'm just going to be blunt about this, for once."
"Wow, Elise...that's totally not typical of you!" He sounds surprised; in a good way. You know how it feels when you accidentally get stuck to something with super-strong, fast-drying glue? Well, Nicholas and I are like that, but in a way that's a lot less awkward, and a lot more awesome. We've formed a really strong bond, and if we're lucky, it'll last forever.
"Thanks, but when I ask you this, can you promise me that you're not going to make me laugh...or cry?" I tell him.
He chuckles a little, "I can't guarantee you any of those."
"Then just tell me straight up, okay?"
"Yeah, no problem."
"Okay, well, I know you're on tour with her...but are you really dating Miley Cyrus?" I ask him...and as soon as I do, I realize that I must have had some sort of temporary insanity to even consider doing a thing as foolish as that.
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