My Boasting Toast

Written for the "Fifty things " contest.

 

 

My Bragging Toast

 

I write this as a toast to me and all the things I done

Sometimes I faced up to life and at other times I’ve run

The thing I must remember before it weights a ton

Happy, sad, good or bad, my life had heaps of fun.

 

You ask "What have I achieved or done in my life"

Well, five different men have called me ‘Wife"

Although only two were legal.

 

I was called the "Queen of the Loo" because I often hid there

My sister named me "Your Majesty" and for that I didn’t care

So I swiped her face with very wet mop - my revenge for being called Regal.

 

Went for a picnic on the Murray River, skinny dipping there at midday

No one caught fish ‘cause I gave them a fright, and the poor things swam away.

 

I accepted a dare to ride a horse, and it had to be ‘bareback’ of course

So up I climbed, not much to tell, the horse took one step, and down I fell.

 

I learned to say "B***h Bugger" and it made most people blue

Then I was told "Peach Bubba" sounded cute when I was two.

 

I was learning how to talk, but with saying ‘fork’ I had no luck

So the word I used to call a fork, exactly rhymed with Truck.

 

Doing this for fifty things will take a lot of time

So maybe I’ll just list them, and forget about the rime (lol)

 

When I was seven I had no pocket money and was told I had to work for it.

So I collected milk bottles - from the back of the café

And sold them back at the counter for the deposit..

( well, it was a lot of work for me)

 

Tomatoes were planted, pruned and picked while mud rose to my knees

I picked beans in the pouring rain, and in boiling sun, picked peas.

 

Then one night at midnight, I went to St Kilda Beach and skinny-dipped in the ocean

Floating among the waves with only the moon and stars to see – or so I hoped.

 

When swimming in Alligator creek I thought the shadows around me were only floating logs.

 

On a trip to Sydney Harbour I swam fully clothed in the Bay. Then I went for a ride on the Ferry Boat, where standing at the front with the full blast of wind drying me off, I gave accidental "silhouetted views" to the passengers behind.

 

And just because I could, I danced naked in the moonlight for no reason, and one time I raced the fastest girl at the school gymkhana - and won.

 

Must have skinned and gutted at least a hundred rabbits before I was 12 years old, once I learned how to do it.

 

Danced to old 78rpm records while I was scrubbing the kitchen floor with scrubbing brushes tied to my feet.

 

Singing on stage with a dance band - gave me my fifteen minutes of fame.

 

One day at school, the whole class of about 25 kids ganged up on me. When I faced them, yelled back, and began walking towards them, they turned and ran. To this day I wonder about that, what the hell could I have done against 25 kids?

 

I stood in a bucket tied by a rope to a windlass and was lowered a hundred feet to the bottom of a mineshaft. That was scary, exciting and so much fun.

 

Drove without a license for two years. (Naughty)

 

I also sped on the road. Drove 150 per hour in a 100 zone VERY Naughty but ‘Twas an emergency. And yes, I did have my licence then, and no I wasn’t caught.

 

The next time I sped like that I was following and ambulance with my sick daughter inside, and ended up with a police escort to the hospital. Yes, after a short stay she was OK.

 

I "took the long way home" and drove 3 hours into the city, followed the ocean from the city to Frankson and back, paddled in the ocean as the sun rose, had breakfast in a "posh" breaky joint" then drove three hours to get back home. It was FANTASTIC! It was supposed to be only a 15 minute drive home, but that night it took me 12 hours.

 

Been in an accident where the car rolled over the edge of the road when someone else was driving and survived. TWICE!

 

Turned into a ‘human torch" when my clothing caught on fire and lived to tell the tale.

 

Invited strangers into my home for "a get to know the neighbours Tupperware Party" There were 135 people at my home that day and I sold over $900 of Tupperware. We ended up out front on the lawn and my ‘guests" went home to collect their own food, plates, cups and chairs etc, bringing it all back to share. A lot of people met each other for the first time that day and several friendships blossomed.

 

Burned off a Motorcycle Cop! I was a passenger on a Norton Motor Bike when we raced the cop and burnt him off. He wanted to know how fast the Norton would go. He soon found out. NOW THAT WAS FUN!.

 

I walked two miles to the ocean, tried to sleep on a park bench, went into a hotel at 1am and slept on the couch in the foyer until about five am, then left without paying before anyone saw me.

 

Owned my own publishing house for a short time. This was my dream and for a short time I lived it.

It went broke and so did I.

 

Ran a radio station, we began as volunteers, then went on to run the whole thing for several years.

 

I became a Radio Personality and presented many programs live to air.

 

Achieved the highest award from the radio station and received a trophy and certificate as Programmer of the year, plus other certificates

 

Decided to buy my first house and did so the same day

 

Taught people how to produce and present radio programs.

 

Sold advertising for radio, wrote the scripts, voiced the advertisement, then recorded, edited, and produced it to on air quality.

 

Met and interviewed Chubby Checker and got a huge hug and a kiss on the cheek. He is a gorgeous man.

 

Ran an Australia wide writing competition, and published other writers’ works.

 

Self published 3 poetry books

 

Sold my house at a loss – Damn it!

 

Survived four separate bouts of breast cancer.

Lost my first breast to cancer in 2000, and the second one in 2007.

Glad I don’t have any more, at least on the top end.

 

 

I swear that all I’ve said is true

I done it all, ‘though some I rue

But to end this list on a note that’s funny

I’m teaching my cats how to use our dunny.

When that is done, without too much fuss

I’m gonna teach the cats the right way to flush.

ã Copyright jen-JG 9^th July 2008

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Author's Note

Anything you wish to say - Honesty is good