I .... Divorce ...ME!

a story of one person's mental fight to be free................

 

I Divorce Me!

 A story by jen-JG

 

 

 

 

"I’m not insane. I’m NOT insane," she whispered over and over. It was not a plea. Not any more! Now it was a fact

Slowly, she pushed back the blankets, rose on unsteady legs and walked over to the window. As her hands clutched the bars, her eyes caught the glimmer of moonrise in the free sky outside …and her cheeks drowned in tears.

 

She was unaware of the nurses walking silently around her. They were keeping a close watch.

 

 

 

Her thoughts turned inward and she no longer saw the moonrise or the trees, not even the bars beneath her clutching fingers. Remembering it all now, she cringed from the memory, ……and the desolation of her life overwhelmed her.

 

Her past stood like a giant sentinel in her mind. Then marched through her torpor in steel boots, striking sparks that seared her over and over. Unrelenting, he smote again and again, reaching into her very soul……..and the ghosts of her past became free to torment………………..

 

………….The girl-child searching for love. Arms outstretched, reaching and finding no one. The teenager, desirable even available, callously rejected because she was "not good enough". The wife betrayed and neglected. The mother, tied to house and children, unwanted, repelled at every turn. The need to be loved - wanted and needed becoming all-important, then the final heartbreak of losing her children and trying to find a life alone.

 

She was haunted – tormented! She could find no peace. Her heart screamed in agony. Part of her was missing and the void never refilled. Even now she could hear the cry of her children’s voices and feel small hands tugging at her clothing. She shook so that her hands slipped from the bars and she slid down the wall to lie in a crumpled heap where heart-rending sobs shook her from head to toe.

 

The nurses came and gently helped her to her feet, then took her into a small ate-room near their desk.

 

 

 

She was offered a sleeping capsule but refused it. It was the first decision she had made since being there, She was afraid of the dreams that came with the pills.

 

The nurses left her there and went out locking the door as they left...

 

 

 

She was alone again and breathed a sigh of relief. Her relief didn’t last long.

The ghosts marched, launching an attack on her mind, taunting, reviling, accusing, unforgiving. Hiding her face in her hands she cowered in the corner.

 

She heard a voice, but couldn’t find where it came from. Although faint, it became insistent and carried clearly. Suddenly she realised it was in her head! She cocked her head to one side and listened.

 

"Face it. Don’t fail now. This is your last chance. Face it and fight. Fight for your sanity. It’s not too late. Face it and fight. Fight for your sanity."

 

 

 

Over and over the words came, beating a tattoo in her numbed brain. Slithering on slippered feet they raced the ghosts and became a roar.

 

"FIGHT, DAMN YOU FIGHT!"

 

 

 

 

She jerked upright as if shot. The voice was so clear that she believed someone had entered the room … but she was quite alone.

 

"How can I fight?" she cried aloud. "How?"

 

"Pretend you are an onion,"

was the astonishing reply.

 

"That’s ridiculous!" she snapped

 

"No more than talking with me,"

the voice replied calmly.

 

"I must be mad, talking to my head like this." She shook her head in disbelief

 

"Be brave. This is your first real step towards sanity."

The voice sounded so certain it made her wonder. "Are you sure? " she whispered

 

"YES"

it was almost a shout and sounded so sure she almost believed it.

 

The thought this brought made her laugh so hard that she became hysterical. Oh, how she laughed. She roared and screeched with joy. She cackled and thumped her feet in a most undignified display of emotion.

 

Outside, the nurses looked at each other and shook their heads in pity. The doctor had said she would be all right, but this? Such a display of anguish followed so quickly by this uncontrolled behaviour was definitely a very bad sign indeed. They were glad they had locked the door.

 

 

 

Inside the room she cavorted in the most unseemly manner and giggled "I’m an onion. I’m an onion."

 

"Now stop that. Behave and listen to me."

 

 

 

"Oh, all right then. Anything is better than the ghosts!" she sighed

 

"You still have to face them. BE QUIET AND LISTEN! You MUST face them and decide if you want to continue living with them in control. You must decide what you want, and how you will achieve it. Do you understand?"

 

 

 

"Yes, I think so." She sat quietly trying to digest this last piece of information.

 

The nurses wondered at the sudden silence. They peeped through the security hatch in the door and saw her sitting on the bed. She looked calm enough. They left her alone.

 

 

 

The voice crowded inside her head again 

"Don’t be afraid. Let the ghosts march. They are only memories. They are dead and gone. Dead things can’t hurt you. The recollections of painful times can and will, BUT only if you let them. Divorce yourself from them. Face them and get rid of them forever. The only power they have over you is your guilty acceptance of them. You believe you should be punished and your ghosts are more than willing to oblige you. Free yourself! A battle to the end! The prize? Freedom you have never known. A brand new you!. The shining pearl that is truly you is impatient to be seen in all its glory. Come one, LET’S GO!"

 

 

And battle was joined.

 

Oh, how she fought! The ghosts came at her from every angle, they were all there, the memories, fears, hates, jealousies, intolerance. She saw herself as she had been and felt sheer hatred for herself.

 

It was so intense that she pounded the walls and tore her clothing in a frenzied effort to relieve the agony of her first true knowledge.

 

Hearing the series of thumps, the nurses glanced at each other, then reached for a straight jacket, wondering if maybe they should contact the Doctor. The room became silent and the nurses quickly checked through the security hatch to see her standing in the corner. Trembling all over but she was quiet enough now. They decided not to call the Doctor ………….just yet.

 

 

 

The voice in her head began talking again.

"Good girl. You are fighting well. Your ghosts are not sure what to make of you at the moment. Keep it up."

 

 

 

She was no longer trembling and her eyes held a new awareness.

 

"Tell me, how can being an onion help me?" she asked

 

"AH HA! That’s much better. Well, you know how an onion is shaped with over lapping layers of flesh?"

 

 

 

"Yes, I think so."

 

"Good. Now imagine that over lapping flesh is yours, or rather all the hateful pieces of you that you don’t want. All the feelings, memories and emotions that cause you distress. Peel them off one layer at a time, look at them and cast them off. It will hurt but you have come too far to stop.

 

 

 

Don’t fail yourself now. You are growing stronger and waiting inside yourself to be released. It’s all up to you, but do remember this, as you peal off the garbage, the other you will fight to keep it on. It feels safe and secure hidden from the world in there. Also remember, you may slip at times, but NEVER AGAIN will you fall below this level, and every step forward you make, brings this level higher with you. YOU ARE on the way to being reborn. Your future is there, just waiting for you. Keep fighting …and win!"

 

 

 

She listened and felt she had heard it all or something similar before. Or maybe she’d read it somewhere. Anyway the words seemed very familiar. She resolved to trust, to fight and to win.

 

Oh how she fought the ghosts! And how they tried to defeat her. They pushed old memories up the surface. Old and terrible torments tore her apart. Her mind walked the very pits of hell. She staggered along sulphur paths leading her deeper into despair. Then she almost fell and the chains of misery weighed heavy around her heart.

 

"Beware, little one. Take it easy. You are very close now"

 

 

 

The cries of the damned wrenched from her throat and she fell to the floor sobbing "I can’t. I can’t take any more."

 

"COWARD! GET UP AND FIGHT! FIGHT DAMN YOU, FIGHT OR I’M DONE WITH YOU"

the voiced shouted in her head.

 

"SHUT UP" she screamed back "Shut up and leave me alone. Oh, please leave me alone. She got up and stumbled from one wall to the other.

 

Hearing her screams, the nurses ran to the door and opened the security hatch. They saw her stumbling around and mumbling like one demented. She tore at her hair and screamed abuse at the walls. She threw the bed over and kicked wildly at the bedding. She sat on the floor and thumped her heels until they almost bled. She was behaving in a totally deranged manner. They called the doctor.

 

 

 

Through the pounding in her head she heard

 

"Have you quite finished behaving like the lunatic they think you are? If so get up and behave."

 

 

 

She sat up and wiped her face on the hem of her dress. With a sigh she said    "I’m sorry, but it hurts so much." Her voice was barely a whisper.

 

"All right. I understand, but it’s not finished yet. There is still one battle to win. The biggest and hardest of all, and this time you must do it alone. I’ve done all I can for now. The rest is up to you. Remember what I said earlier, you CAN do it, you just have to WANT to.

 

 

 

You have come so far now that you will never fall to the same depths again but you must stay on guard. You are still walking a razor edge between two worlds but now your destiny is in your own hands. YOU CAN CHOOSE. The decision is yours alone. You can stay there in the pits of hell, or choose to take the hardest step you’ll ever have to take and win freedom for your tormented soul. I can’t help you this time but I’ll be here if you really need me."

 

 

 

She walked the floor. Up and down she paced. The ghosts gathered like Nemesis, matching her steps, keeping pace and waiting for their power to take control of her again.

 

This time she refused to cower. She knew her sanity was at stake now and would not be found wanting. The pain of rejection was swift. She stood firm. Then they marched, taunting, revengeful and hostile, sending showers of blinding pain straight through her heart. She took a deep breath and stood tall.

 

They backed off and watched her, for the first time confused and uncertain of their power. Then they threw caution to the winds and rushed in, in an all out effort to defeat her. They used everything they had, disgrace, hurt, desolation, rejection and despair. Faces of children and loved ones swam through her mind. Memories of desertion, heartbreak and emptiness raised their ugly heads, drowning her in rivers of fear, remorse, disgust and hatred.

She trembled and backed into a corner.

 

They rejoiced – they had her back!

 

Then she took a deep breath, then another and another. Soon she controlled the pain. She stopped trembling and became ice cold.

 

Now she took control. She called each tormentor by name, ordering it to come before her. She reviled it and denied it residence within her. It hurt, but relishing the pain now, she stripped her fears and emotions bare, and one by one held them up to ridicule. Then she cast them aside and watched, unrelenting, as they withered and died like poison ivy pulled up by the roots.

 

She had won! But the price!

 

Was this all there was, this emptiness, this feeling of NOTHING? This void! Where was the exultation, the relief, the glow of achievement? Had she gone through all that for this, this nothing! Was it all for THIS?

 

She wanted to scream, yell and shout, anything at all to break this terrible silence. She wanted to cry but for the first time her eyes were stone dry. She became aware of a hard pressure in her chest. Then it was spreading, swelling up into her throat. She was gagging, gasping for breath.

 

And then it burst.

 

All the heartbreak, pain, terror and desolation washed from her as she fell to the floor. She clutched the pillow and rocked to and fro as tears welled and overflowed, falling like healing kisses.

 

Her sobs became so deep and strong that she was soon gasping for air.

 

Now she felt the physical pain from a good cry. It was so good to feel.

 

She straightened up and soon began to breathe easily.

 

She became aware of her breaths! In and out! She counted the breaths and the seconds between them. She was alive! It was wonderful!

 

She was still for a few moments as this feeling enveloped her, filling her heart with joy. Suddenly she couldn’t help it - she skipped and danced! She was exultant. She sang with wild abandon to the music in her head. She pranced and laughed, intoxicated with joy. She was totally lost in her own world of pure unadulterated happiness.

 

The nurses looked through the security hatch and saw her singing, dancing laughing, and were worried for her sanity. The doctor arrived and spoke to the nurses. He listened quietly as they described her actions from the beginning, the heartbroken crying bout, her refusal to take a sleeping capsule, her behaviour after being shut in the room, from screaming, thumping, crying and just before he arrived the wild abandoned laughing and singing. They thought she may need to be restrained for her own safety, but the doctor ordered a hypodermic to be made ready instead.

 

They unlocked the door, entered the room, and then stood still, staring around them in sheer amazement. After her antics throughout the night, they expected anything. That is anything except this! The room was tidy, the bed straightened and she was fast asleep.

 

 

 

Their voices quickened in excitement and she stirred. She sat up, saw the doctor and ran to him. Tears streamed again as she tugged at his arm. "I’ve divorced me!" she cried "I’m free, I’m free."…. The doctor and nurses wept with her.

 

A month later she walked away from the grey stone building with its barred windows and locked doors. She was looking at a clear blue sky and felt the soft breeze against her skin. She felt peaceful and calm. Walking a little way down the road she stopped at a bus shelter and sat down waiting for the next bus to take her into the city.

 

Her mind was free at last and her future was firmly in her own hands now.

 

The end

 

 

©Copyright jen-JG - 1984

 

Author's Note

Anything you wish to say - all comments etc most welcome.

Reviews

[Jamie Fantasy]

Wow! What a powerful and extreme message! Jen, this is incredible work. The symbolism and the descriptions. Fantastic job! I am so impressed!

[NCPanthersgurl]

Very interesting. Perhaps you should write a continuation? =]