Turnin' The Tide

Turning the tide......... I'm on my way!

Turnin’ The Tide ©

 

 

 

Well, that’s it then – that’s just bloody lovely, that is!

 

I know the saying ‘up s**t creek, in a leaky boat, without a paddle’

To be fair, I can understand that, but this. Bloody hell, how did this happen then?

 

There I was, minding me own business, when this Sheila comes running down the street screamin’ her beedin’ head orf! ‘course me being the gentleman I am, I just ‘ad to offer to ‘elp.

 

"What’s up, me lovely" I muttered, grabbing her arm as she rushed past.

 

She swung round and clobbered one with her brolly fair across me ‘ead – just missin’ me eye with the pointy end, an all.

 

"Oi, nuff of that, me beauty, what’s got yer knickers in a twist then, eh?"

 

"You men!" she snarled, the words falling from her rosebud lips, like poison laced icicles

 

"EH? Watcha mean – us men? What’s wrong wiv us men, eh, tell me that, what’s wrong wiv us."

 

I looked her up and down, Cor, she was a beauty orl right, Bumps in all the right places, eyes the colour of sky just after a rain shower, hair like the back of raven’s wing, legs, all the way up to ‘er armpits . I was beginnin’ to feel………. Well ‘nuf of that, the poor gurl was in strife she was!

 

"Well, what’s wrong wiv us, then?"

 

She stared me up and down and slammed her brolly down – just missin’ me foot "You’re all alike" she muttered half under her breath. "You only want one thing from a girl!" She was angry now and her perky bosom was heaving like an old windjammer under full sail on a choppy ocean. Blimey Charlie, you don’t want to know what THAT sight did to me.

 

Me eyes bulged and me breath quickened and me ‘ands itched to …

 

I forced me eyes away from ‘er heavin’ bosom and looked down - then up again to catch a smile on those ruby red lips.

 

" But you’re not like that are you?" her voice would have melted a snowcap in a second, then her hand touched mine. "You respect ladies, don’t you, I can see that, you wouldn’t do anything to hurt me, would you?" She heaved closer and stumbled – well what else could a fella do? I grabbed ‘er, just to stop ‘er fallin’ over mind, twern’t my fault ‘er lips got in the way an me ‘ands sorta grabbed onto the heavin bits. But then she started out screamin’ and runnin’ again.

 

I tell yer – I was plain flummoxed! That’s what I was – just plain flummoxed!

 

Then it ‘it me, like a ton of bleedin’ bricks! She couldn’t have, could she? Well, she could have orl right, an’ she bloody well did! She nicked me wallet!

 

Now here I am, sittin’ in the leaky boat, with no paddles, fair in the middle of s**t creak, but I ain’t no dumb clutz! nup, not this little rooster- no lame duck me, - I got me two good hands an’ I’m usin’ them to turn the tide and headin’ back to shore.

 

 

I can see ‘er in the distance, running and screamin’ still. All I can say just wait till I get me ‘ands on ‘er again - she’ll ‘ave a bloody good reason to run ‘n scream then! Too bloody right she will!

 

An’ ain’t THAT the truth!.

 

 

 

©Copyright Jen-JG march 11 - 2008

 

 

 

 

 

 

Author's Note

spelling etc meant to be this way - all comment welcome

Reviews

[Cold Coffee Magazine]

Funny stuff here Jen...."Bloody hell." First time I heard that phrase was in a Harry Potter movie. Nice work.

Dave

[Antony]

Jen, this is great, hilarious and so well written, the dialect was perfect. Really enjoyed reading this one.
Antony

[Phil Sanders]

Chuckled all of the way through .. would fit in well with Scrooge .....excellent ....