Turnin' The Tide

Turning the tide......... I'm on my way!

Turnin’ The Tide ©

 

 

 

Well, that’s it then – that’s just bloody lovely, that is!

 

I know the saying ‘up s**t creek, in a leaky boat, without a paddle’

To be fair, I can understand that, but this. Bloody hell, how did this happen then?

 

There I was, minding me own business, when this Sheila comes running down the street screamin’ her beedin’ head orf! ‘course me being the gentleman I am, I just ‘ad to offer to ‘elp.

 

"What’s up, me lovely" I muttered, grabbing her arm as she rushed past.

 

She swung round and clobbered one with her brolly fair across me ‘ead – just missin’ me eye with the pointy end, an all.

 

"Oi, nuff of that, me beauty, what’s got yer knickers in a twist then, eh?"

 

"You men!" she snarled, the words falling from her rosebud lips, like poison laced icicles

 

"EH? Watcha mean – us men? What’s wrong wiv us men, eh, tell me that, what’s wrong wiv us."

 

I looked her up and down, Cor, she was a beauty orl right, Bumps in all the right places, eyes the colour of sky just after a rain shower, hair like the back of raven’s wing, legs, all the way up to ‘er armpits . I was beginnin’ to feel………. Well ‘nuf of that, the poor gurl was in strife she was!

 

"Well, what’s wrong wiv us, then?"

 

She stared me up and down and slammed her brolly down – just missin’ me foot "You’re all alike" she muttered half under her breath. "You only want one thing from a girl!" She was angry now and her perky bosom was heaving like an old windjammer under full sail on a choppy ocean. Blimey Charlie, you don’t want to know what THAT sight did to me.

 

Me eyes bulged and me breath quickened and me ‘ands itched to …

 

I forced me eyes away from ‘er heavin’ bosom and looked down - then up again to catch a smile on those ruby red lips.

 

" But you’re not like that are you?" her voice would have melted a snowcap in a second, then her hand touched mine. "You respect ladies, don’t you, I can see that, you wouldn’t do anything to hurt me, would you?" She heaved closer and stumbled – well what else could a fella do? I grabbed ‘er, just to stop ‘er fallin’ over mind, twern’t my fault ‘er lips got in the way an me ‘ands sorta grabbed onto the heavin bits. But then she started out screamin’ and runnin’ again.

 

I tell yer – I was plain flummoxed! That’s what I was – just plain flummoxed!

 

Then it ‘it me, like a ton of bleedin’ bricks! She couldn’t have, could she? Well, she could have orl right, an’ she bloody well did! She nicked me wallet!

 

Now here I am, sittin’ in the leaky boat, with no paddles, fair in the middle of s**t creak, but I ain’t no dumb clutz! nup, not this little rooster- no lame duck me, - I got me two good hands an’ I’m usin’ them to turn the tide and headin’ back to shore.

 

 

I can see ‘er in the distance, running and screamin’ still. All I can say just wait till I get me ‘ands on ‘er again - she’ll ‘ave a bloody good reason to run ‘n scream then! Too bloody right she will!

 

An’ ain’t THAT the truth!.

 

 

 

©Copyright Jen-JG march 11 - 2008

 

 

 

 

 

 

Author's Note

spelling etc meant to be this way - all comment welcome

Reviews

[mick weller]

There's a great immediacy to this piece - very engaging.
the events portrayed describe a 'soft touch' and is where the term originates I think..?
When I first read it there was feeling of imbalance... and this is why:

'Now here I am, sittin' in the...' (becomes present tense from here)

so the events that have just occurred lead us to the present moment thus causing this feeling of imbalance because of your opening lines:

'Well, that's it then � that's just bloody lovely, that is!
I know the saying 'up s**t creek, in a leaky boat, without a paddle'
To be fair, I can understand that, but this. Bloody hell, how did this happen then? '

so I feel this introduction is more the author than the character that narrates the piece

a few other points:
Here in the uk we don't tend to refer to women as Sheila's - the term comes from Australia
so there's some confusion as to the identity of the narrator and the setting, which at first is assumed to be the streets of London in a historical setting. The accent you use appears clearly 'cockney' and I don't see any self-respecting cockney - even with sailing ties to Australia - using the term

an' this definitely ain't cockney eivver:-
'ain't no dumb clutz! nup, not this little rooster-'

'Blimey Charlie, '
I would associate the use of blimey to a later time period..(?)
(and your reader is wondering who Charlie is? and where is he at the end of the piece?)

the use of 'gurl' and 'orl' don't really add anything as they don't sound any different to 'girl' or 'all'

someone likens this to a cartoon character below and there does seem to be a cartoon-like characterization of the narrator - almost as though, in a comical way he's not really that bothered that he's just been the victim of 'the old soft touch' and is now without wallet!

nevertheless a very entertaining piece

[Nicholas Hallows]

Bloody 'ell... this was good. I enjoyed the contrast of the colloquial language and the poetic. Thanks for sharing. NH

[Ady]

This was cute! I stumble a little with "affected" writing, but you did a great job here. I especially loved the opening.

[Enigma]

*smiling* This was funny, oh yes.I had this smile on my face and I couldn't stop grinning.I wish there was more to it coz' I really enjoyed reading it.The spellings confused me in the beginning but then I started reading it loud so that I'd understand what the words meant.And I really had a hearty laugh when I came to the part where 'things' are going on in the guy's head.Truly hilarious!!!
Overall--->>>Great Write!!!!

[DarkAngelWriter]

This was really interesting. The wording was intimidating, but actually pretty easy to read. Fun piece.

[Alexander W. Quinn]

The dialect used made this piece a gem! It's funny, well written and a fantastic little piece. Great shift to writing from the male perspective to. (I know it would have taken me a few moments to realize I had lost my wallet after that, lol.)

[Joseph - Michael]

No worries about the spellings, this is the Brit talkings, right? Anyway, I like how you used the beginning as a metaphor, very well done

As for the rest, it's all good...

[BelieveInCelia]

'Bloody great there!'

I needed a good laugh...thanks, Jen.

See, when your back is against the wall...you come out stronger than ever! I'm so proud of you, Jen!

Celia

[Ecox]

Ah! I love this. Wonderful little slice of life. Great use of dialect as well. Very humorous. Kudos!

[Tania Leigh]

Jen, this is soooo funny! You have a knack for this dialect....it reminds me of the old Andy Capp comic strips.

A funny tale here....she got one up on him, for sure!