Nobody on Lead Guitar

there's something about all these local bands...

A local band jams

by cold moonlight

and lukewarm beer,

collecting spare change

in a coffee cup.

 

A local, no-name band -

never gonna make it big,

don't want too much attention.

Long-haired dude glides

through a mesmerizing solo

to the next ad-lib verse.

Got nothing but a guitar

and free drinks all night.

 

Sweet breezes clear the air

and rustle the towering pines

to make room for a soft ballad

with soul.

 

Never gonna sign a contract

or tour the world.

Never more than a dozen fans,

make just enough for new strings

and smokes between songs.

Cool blue melodies fade

into shadows of moonlight

and whispered notes.

Author's Note

This is very rough. I'm looking for criticism and suggestions to improve it. Thanks!

Reviews

[Kim May]

I like this the way it is... your thoughts, as is, on paper.

[Dulce de Leche]

I enjoyed this. It's very rhythmic. It felt very cold in my mind. Cold and bitter, kind of like beer...

[[untitled]]

This is a great piece . . . a nice flow . . . like a song. Actually, this could be made into song lyrics. Suggestions? I wouldn't repeat "local" in the second stanza. The reader already knows this from the opening line. I would also add a few metaphors. It tells a great story, but I missed more imagery. Other than that, it's a soothing, somewhat sad, but well written poem.

[Kaye]

There's almost a language to this poem, like a lazy, content rhythm or something. It's got a very different voice from most of your poems.
For some reason I didn't like the "by" in "A local band jams by cold moonlight" although it does change the setting greatly. The way you put it is like the band is under some sort of overhanging, whereas I guess I would imagine them playing in the open. It works if they aren't directly in the moonlight for sure.
There's so much of a slurred language that fits the poem so well with it's stoner's attitude, but it drives me insane because you usually write with all grammar perfectly in place. It really is great though.
Yeah. I like it. ^^ What concert was this about? At first I thought it was about some person in particular, but it seems more like it's about some concert.

[Legion]

I like it. That is where the music seems the most human. The reality of it all. Used to hang on 6th street in Austin years ago. Always felt this was as close to the nature of music and people as one could get. Great write. Although, I play bass myself. :)

[Liam]

Awesome, I like the softness of it. And the musical side, too of course.

[WordMaster]

A fun read and well written images

The rhythm stop and start to often, you need to smooth it out � like a song taking you to the next level

Isn't it all about the music anyway? :)