Deranged Solace

poem based on a character I'm working on for my novel

The night is alive -

voices search for mouths,

shout for strangers,

lovers,

me.

 

Buildings sink and rise

from boiling concrete.

The past is projected

inside dumpsters.

My life replayed -

different every time.

 

Fanged beasts of rust and slime

keep me on the run.

Never speak to the shadows,

don't believe their lies of beer dregs and cigarette butts.

 

No one else sees

No one else sees me.

No one else sees the real world.

Author's Note

Give me your honest opinion. How does it work in terms of describing the character and his point of view?

Reviews

[Kaye]

Speaking of creepy.

It sounded to me as though the character felt misunderstood on at least some level. In the first stanza he (or she?) sounds like a poet to me, just searching for words to fit his feelings. In the second and, he seems to be high on something and paranoid of everything around him. He seems more wangsty in the last stanza. If you're going to alter anything, I'd suggest that last one be altered somewhat. The rest all seems to flow and has this fantastic urban quality, then the last one reminds me of an emo kid in the corner glaring at everything. If that's what you're going for though, then it's perfect.
However, I can't stop myself from reading both lines with the "me" at the end. I read it as a repeated line, then have to go back and reread it and change it in my head, which is sort of cool, but also confusing.
It might be cool to have the last stanza be more like the first one though. To me, the first seemed like your strongest stanza. It stands out most to me.

Again, I can't believe you refuse to call yourself a poet. It's a beautiful poem.

[[untitled]]

The character seems very lonely and sad. A tortured soul who doesn't seem to "see" the good, only the bad. Perhaps it's a phase they are going through, or maybe life has not been kind for many years. I enjoyed the portrayal, although there's something missing. More depth. More detail.

This piece left me wanting to read more. I would love to see you expand on this poem. You have a rare and precious gift of insight.

I think this character does, too.

[WordMaster]

This is truly a deranged character. The question is why?

Without knowing the story line it's hard to know if this works for the character or not!

However, there is no "option" for life to be lived or a soul to be saved. Without that, your novel may just drift without any depth to the character.

Good luck with the novel!

[Sapphire Balasquez]

O.O amazingly, like... i love the imagery, it's like... mysterious and you're like... oooooh. =D sliiiightly confusing, but i seem to be enjoying that sort of thing tonight. ^^ he seems a bit paranoid, and excited. =D hahaha. XD you're amazing, i love this poem!