Cashier Purgatory

Date Unknown

The first victim appears before me

Dreadfully unprepared

With a smile and a greeting

I provoke a feeling of unease

It is clear they were not ready

For me to whip out my gun

And pull the trigger

With the handheld cocked sideways

I do not blame them

As the red bar shines over

The bar code only to read $49.98

...Dog food is pricey

But the price will be paid

The second emerges from behind the first

All but ill prepared

Before a high-pitched hello can escape my lips

This b***h starts shouting out numbers

...Sweetheart Im here all day

Some respect for me would be nice

Just since I can tell youre in a hurry

You can stand and wait

While I do this slowly

Count the money for me, sure

I can tell you think that it saves you time

But I still have to count it

And Ill recognize when it comes up short

Dear third customer,

Yes I see you shoplifting

No, it's not racial profiling

It's just obvious when you hide it in your pocket

And speed up as you near the door

Yes, I will call you out

Please spare me the fake laughWhen the item is in your childs hand

Oh you didn't notice?

Sure, sure

I might just believe that

If I didn't see you put it there

Honestly I dont care if you shoplift

It doesnt affect me

But because I happen to like my bosses

And those poor hamsters need their wheels

I still will not let you slide

If you have a pet,

You should have the funds to support it

Not the iffy skills to steal

Hello friendly fourth customer

No, I dont want to see a picture

Of your cat

Or your dog

Or your fish

Or your kids

Or your, well, anything

No, I dont care about how you make your own cat toys

No, I dont wan to talk to you

See the line now gathered behind you?

I have to call a second cashier

Just because I can't tell you to shoo

Why won't you shut up?

Please shut up.

Here comes number five

Numbers fives are a lot like number fours

But they buy one thing and leave

Then theyre back thirty minutes later for one more thing

And wash, rinse, and repeat

The number of times they cycle through this varies,

Though the current record is six

Please,

Dont try to beat it

Customer number six,

I love you

Either you've worked in retail

Or have an amazing sense of being

Like, if you were in Goldilocks and the three bears

You'd be all of baby bears things

Seriously,

Never change

Good job