Memories of You, My Dear Best Friend

Here's to remembering the sad things in a fresh and hopeful light.

For as long as I can remember 

Someone special has always stood by my side... 

But none for as long as you, and none so fragile and tender. 

(Like a little seasoned rose petal, you are) 

Hell, it's been a year shy of a decade 

Since we officially coined our friendaversary, 

But when this years came, you chose not to celebrate. 

(You said it was best to wait, but why did you really not want to go?) 

I don't want you to read this, really, because you know who you are 

But I really need to get this off my chest, 

You need to know you've left me permanently scarred. 

(I will forgive you, I have, but you need to hear this.) 

There's no taking back what you did, what you said, 

But my intention isn't to just point those mistakes out 

It's so we can live again without regrets. 

(Like we used to, reenacting Pony Pals.) 

First of all you need to know that you hurting hurts me 

I always see you breaking inwardly 

But you choose to instead lie constantly. 

(Over and over, you're always "fine" or "better.") 

But please, stop taking me like a fool 

We've known each other long enough now to know, 

Spent so many hours together outside of school. 

(Drowning in mounds of mint chocolate chip ice cream.) 

Anyway, getting to the real pain 

An emotion you know I seldom feel.

It started last year, before you left and we were strained. 

(What a ridiculous time it was.) 

You said you were afraid to go 

And I was scared for you also but you 

Were shrinking visibly in front of me, and I was looking down my nose. 

(I couldn't find you, the real you, half the time.) 

Then you went out of the country for the next five months 

Vanishing, almost completely from my life 

And during that hiatus of you we grew apart, you lost your fun. 

(We talked a bit but never for long enough to sate me.) 

I lost my conviction, and for the first time, 

My grades went from straight a's to straight c's and d's 

And I lost myself in a gray colored life. 

(I realized how much I leaned on you.) 

And then you returned 

With blank face and antisocial attitude towards me.

That scorched me really, it burned. 

(Why did it have to start out so badly?) 

We shared little secrets of our guys, eventually 

And life seemed to be getting better... 

Emphasis on seemed. 

(You really didn't notice, did you?) 

 You were depressed, 

I could see, 

And your health and faith in me was decreasing. 

(I realized you weren't you anymore.) 

Yet I stuck by you 

But I began to suspect that this was your guy talking through you 

And I still think that's true. 

(He isn't good for you.) 

You told me more and more about him...

How he's depressed among other things 

And I noticed, he's living in your skin. 

(You told me it was love...is love, but love shouldn't bring you sadness.) 

But you couldn't see yourself the way I could see you. 

You know, they say that others know you better than yourself 

And yet you acted like I was against you and see through. 

(You know me better than that, what happened to sister from another mister?) 

I told you that what you felt wasn't, isn't love, but lust and infatuation 

But you acted as if I betrayed you 

And for the first time, I was drowning with you in this situation. 

(Why do you think I would do something to hurt you if it wasn't to help you?) 

And then I realized, 

Probably later than I should have 

That you chose him over me, and I was the foe being scrutinized. 

(Nine years versus nine months...why did you do that?) 

So I had to ask, because it was all I could do.

I asked if you still wanted me around, and you said, "I don't know what I want right now" 

And you told your guy, he said I shouldn't be your friend if I gave you an ULTIMATUM, that he'd still have you. 

(And you agreed. Ignorance is not a victimless crime, asking didn't only hurt you.) 

I didn't want to have to 

But you made it clear it needed to be done 

So stop thinking it only hurt you. 

(Why would you not know if you wanted me, sister? Nee-san?) 

From then on you told me...tell me little of him 

But I know he's still there, 

His clutches are still obviously ripping at your din. 

(How can you be so blind?) 

Little of him until he needed therapy, that is 

Then it spewed again, all over. 

What you're doing, it should be a sin. 

(Sorry to be harsh, but it's true.) 

Then, best friend of mine, we shared secrets. 

Mine was I have heart troubles and am afraid I will have a heart attack and die young.

Yours was you cut and were struggling with anorexia, I blamed him. 

(The anorexia I could see, the cutting I was not surprised about...I said I used to too.) 

Then there was the enemy I made, 

The bully that went after the boy with the down syndrome, 

The bully that went after you, the one that I hate. 

(I told you not to be submissive, you need to stand up for yourself.) 

The same bully I went after 

For thinking she could dominate MY friend. 

The one that when I was ganged up by, you stood and watched the endeavor. 

(Do you hate me that much for loving you?) 

Through this time, 

I remembered the woman I was like without you, 

The woman who belongs to someone not as sublime. 

(I've never had to live without you.) 

You refuse to speak in public, barely even when we're alone 

And I bet you're crying right now, as I am 

But you forget that I am, because you're lost in your life's woodlands. 

(You left me behind a long time ago, but don't stop looking now.) 

And honestly, if you didn't need someone in your real life, 

If you didn't need someone that wasn't taking advantage of you, like your guy, 

I'd be gone for a year or two, from your life, to fix my hurt and strife. 

(I don't know what would happen to you if I weren't around.) 

 And you know what? 

I do love you...like a sister, of course, 

But it's because I love you that you need to have fun. 

(It will always be because I love you that I do something.) 

And I think you know that somewhere in the back of your mind 

But you refuse to acknowledge it, 

Again, because of your guy. 

(It's him. I asked you what he does for you. You said a lot but can never name anything.) 

Now lately we've been reminiscing quite a bit...

It makes me nostalgic for our old, carefree elementary days 

When our life wasn't such s**t. 

(Excuse my language, I know you hate it when I swear.) 

But I still need you to answer the question 

Of whether or not you want me here 

Because I need to know I'm not a mirage, not a reflection. 

(I deserve that, don't you think?) 

And I need you to start living up to the title of best friend again 

Because that much I deserve too, 

And there are other things than him and school, and we need to mend. 

(There's a lot of mending to be done.) 

And so, since I know we can't say this face to face, 

Like we should, 

I'll settle for face to screen to face, as long as this trouble fades. 

(I know you can be strong when you choose to be.) 

And so, for helping you I'm sorry, 

I want you to be sorry for hurting me too, 

But do it only when it's genuine and in a hurry. 

(And best friend of mine, I have and always will love you, though at this rate our energies are depleting fast.)

Author's Note

Reviews very much appreciated.

Reviews

[Just Kim]

Such a heart touching read. Emotions are packed into this.
written very well

[Riley Bray]

Thank you. :)

[Shivam Murari]

Total narration and I couldn't relate more. Read it through two times, word-by-word.
100/100 (ignoring all the minor errors and being partial)

[Riley Bray]

Thank you very much and I'll make corrections as soon as I can. :)