Want to work on an Offshore Oil Rig

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How to get used to working on an offshore rig:   o    Buy a dumpster, paint it gray and live in it for 2 weeks straight.  o    Yell at your neighbor if he walks outside without a hardhat and boots.   o     Have your family eat the raunchiest Mexican food you can find for three days straight, then yell at them for spending too much work time in the bathroom.   o    Make your family complete a JSA (job safety analysis) before they operate any appliances in your home (i.e. Dishwasher operator, blender technician, etc.). o    Spend $20,000 on a satellite system for your TV, but only watch Fox News and the Country Music station.   o    Have the family vote on which TV channels to watch and then pick different ones. o    Sew reflective strips to the front of all your shirts.   o    Reprogram all your phones so that you have to dial 99 the number and # to call anyone outside your neighborhood. When you do call wait 3 seconds after every question before speaking.   o    Needle gun the aluminum siding on your house after your neighbors have gone to bed.   o    Buy $50,000 worth of radio equipment "in case" there is an emergency and hire a qualified radio operator to "man the station"..... then make them pay your bills, arrange your travel and answer all your phone calls. o    When your kids come home with A's on their report card buy them a camouflage hat with flames down the side and the family name embroidered across the brim.   o    Yell at your wife if she cooks anything but fried chicken for lunch on Sunday o    Each Christmas when your aunt Jane and uncle Jim visit make them stay on the porch until they have watched a 2 hour video of yourself pointing out all the fire extinguishers and smoke alarms in your house.   o    Never call a local repair man when your stove breaks. Instead call someone in the UK and pay for their flight. When they arrive call the taxi company and give them strict orders not to pick the repairman up until the stove is fixed. o    Sleep on the shelf in your closet. Replace the closet door with a curtain. Have you wife whip open the curtain about 3 hours after you go to sleep. She should then shine a flashlight in your eyes and mumble "Sorry, wrong rack."   o    Designate a room in the house as "The Control Room" then make your kids sit their in front of a computer screen for 12 hours. Tell them that if anything turns red they could cost the family millions of dollars. o    Tell your neighbor to call you when ever they see a thunderstorm in your area.   o    Leave the lawn mower running in your living room eight hours a day. o    Head to the local dive "bar" and ask the first retired guy you see to sit in your home office scratching his nuts. Make him a plaque reading "company man" and tell him to "remind" you daily about every squeaky floor, dripping faucet, late mail deliveries.... Tell him to invite his friends over and when they show up move your kids into the garage so they have a nice bed to sleep in.   o    Each morning jot down the wind speed/direction, barometer reading and the amount of fluids in your hot water heater, gas tank, lawn mower.... convert the figures you get into whatever unit of measurement you did not use and write it down in 6 different places. o    Have your kid monitor the police scanner 24 hours a day "just in case there's an emergency.   o    Go to your local elementary school and ask the principal to send you a weekly list of the stupidest things the kindergarteners have done that week. o    Call a meeting with your family every Monday and read the list with a straight face.   o    Place toothpicks, picante sauce and a can of Tony Chachere's on your kitchen table. o    Call 911 and tell them to send a helicopter each time your son falls off his bike.   o    Eat only at all-you-can-eat buffet restaurants that specialize in fried foods. Bonus points if you have a view of the cooking area from your table and the place primarily employs nose-pickers and butt-scratchers. o    Twice a day (or more if possible) get everyone together in as small a room as possible (a closet or bathroom should do) and have a meeting to listen to someone tell you what you did all day. Bonus points for reiterating statements multiple times (i.e. "Like Joe said, safety is...").

Author's Note

all in jest, but sometimes there is a little truth hidden in there.