The Overweight Me: Part One (Reimagined)

One of my often times harder to read poems. I was honest here more so than usual. I wanted to add some more personal stuff to it so I added me. Me looking into a mirror to be exact.

Author's Note

Review if you like, it's an older piece with some new imagery added to the words. Thank you for reading!

Reviews

[Julie McCarthy (juliesp..]

this is a wonderful personal piece of work esp with the picture of yourself to boot in the poem itself. love it. I can relate to this my weight spirals up 10 kg down 10 kg depending on my lifestyle, my moods, my depression, work stressors, personal relationships, weather, you name it i eat as comfort. I should be trying every day to diet exercise (I have 2 exercise equipments in my house) collecting dust as i speak or write, i can relate to your dilemma and have even tried online dieting with weight watchers, complete waste of money anyway thanks for your wonderul poem and for entering into my best piece of work competition, good luck.

[Geodan]

This poem shows so much emotion and pain. It really shows the hardships that no one sees. In front of the mirror is the hardest place to be. Keep up the great work!

[Joshua McNay]

Thanks! I am happier now then when I initially wrote that but you're right there are hardships people don't see. Thank you for the review!

[Geodan]

No problem!

[ElizaB]

Thank you for entering my competition.

I liked how you referred to it as a 'song' and how it ends with a strong sense of motivation to pursue the problem that is making you unhappy, no matter how frightening it may be.

Once again, thank you.

[Hairythoughts]

Dear Joshua,
I just registered here because of your poem (I saw it on reddit). I don't know why but your poem really touched me. Even though I've never been overweight I've been struggling with pretty severe underweight since childhood. I don't want to compare my 'problem' with yours because mine is probably still rather different. Still... I like your poem :)

[Joshua McNay]

Wow that's seems like quite the compliment since you could have commented on Reddit. Thanks for signing up, hopefully you stay and enjoy others works too! I am happy to hear you liked my poem, and a struggle with weight is still a struggle be it over or under. Thank you again for reading and the review.

[emipoemi]

This has a good premise and narrative, but sometimes the musicality is a bit tricky, and I'm not sure how to read some lines, or quite certainly find the lines a little too wordy for the musicality to carry over. Particularly in the transition to the second stanza. Stanza 1 is fine. It flows, it's a bit wonky, but on the whole, it doesn't need anything done to it to help it flow better. Once the jump to Stanza 2 happens, there's a shift in the musicality, and it sounds somewhat off. It wouldn't matter too much if you have fun and set each stanza in a relatively different musicality, but if you're trying to keep it consistent, it's not flowing as well as it should. Stanzas 2, 3, and 4 share that similar "offness" and only Stanza 1 seems like it - forgive my use of words here - "actually cares for the poem". The coda is fantastic. It's musically fluid and hits every note well until it comes down with a bang for the ending. It doesn't need any tweaking. But some consideration should be taken for the body stanzas to determine how to better make them dance (like how Stanza 1 and the coda dance). This has potential on the whole! Well done!

[Joshua McNay]

Thank you. I appreciate the input and will look at trying to fix some of the small stuff. I wrote it a while ago so maybe it's time to revisit and revise. Thank you again.