Empty Ocean

More of a work in progress piece. I had the image of an empty ocean in my head and tried to work with that.

Lately I’ve been looking for a happy place,

To remove the sadness that drapes my face.

I want to embrace my complex emotions,

In truth I’m a lone boat on an empty ocean.

Look around and there is nothing to see,

Miles and miles just the big blue sea.

Waves of thought like water, fill my little boat,

I need to empty it quickly or I will no longer float.

The more I toss out, still more remains,

Will this ever end I cry, as I start to feel pain.

Water ever rushing in, It’s like I never learn,

I’m drowning in thought, from bow to stern.

As I sit here soaked in ever rising water,

I look around and shrug, and wonder why bother.

There is only so much my boat can take,

I don’t want to give up my very survival is at stake.

So I will just have to push through the pain,

Grab the bucket and start to empty once again.

I will not let my happiness be just a fleeting notion,

I will overcome this, I will conquer my empty ocean

Author's Note

A work in progress. I would love to hear your thoughts and opinions as well as critiques so I can work on it and make it better. Thank you for taking the time read it by the way.

Reviews

[Ted Kniffen]

This is a good beginning, and the allegory works well. writing this as a comparison of life to sea is good. There are some punctuation issues, and in the fourth line I believe it should read 'on an empty ocean'. Try reading it aloud, to get a feel for where the pauses (commas) would work best. All in all, a good write.

[Joshua McNay]

I fixed the fourth line, thanks for that. I am happy the allegory works, I was a little unsure going with it but glad its working. I admit I don't think I have ever read one of my poems aloud. I guess I need to try that. Thanks for the advice, I will try and keep it in mind when I add and revise it.

[ElizaB]

Thank you for entering.

I like the flow of this piece, plus the rhymes are clever and mostly concrete.

Will this ever end I cry, as I start to feel pain,

This is a question I am sure every single person has asked when something challenges the happy place that you depict. I know I have.

But you have found strength in drowning, an inner energy that can sometimes be unknown. If only we all had our own emergency bucket on hand at all times....

Thanks again :)

[angelina neves]

beautifully written, the emotions come to us in waves... very strong and I can feel the pain and the courage...

[emipoemi]

This is a good work in progress. A very good start with good imagery, and good musicality (at least at the start, then some lines got a bit wordy for the sole sake of rhyming). You also repeat the "ever rising water" imagery about 3 times, which is 2 times too many. The line "The more I toss out, still more remains" should read "remain" because you are referring to "waves of thought" which implies the plural. That's about it. Tweak the musicality and this and tone down the imagery of "ever rising" (you only need to mention a detail once for the reader to understand what's going on. Especially in a poem this short. Were it epic, then such a repetition would be advisable). That's all I have to say about this. Great start.

[R.E.K.]

Wow, I relate to this poem so much. This beautiful imagery evoked in me the pain that comes with being a deep thinker and depression. Please continue verbalizing your emotions, they make such moving and beautiful poetry.

[Joshua McNay]

Thank you for that. I means a lot to me that people can relate to my work. I plan to continue, hopefully future works carry the same weight. Thanks for the review!

[preoccupied]

This piece is really well written, I think, and it vividly explains the struggle. This poem makes me feel such strong emotions because, of the way you worded it.

A truly incredible piece.

[Joshua McNay]

Thank you for your kind words. I am glad you enjoyed it. Thank you again!

[Hebe]

what a wonderful piece of writing ..... your comparison is perfect ...I felt every wave!

[Wicahpi]

I really like this poem. "I will not let my happiness be just a fleeting notion ... I will conquer my empty ocean" Bravo!

[Karmee]

Love this, very nicely written and flows well

[Joshua McNay]

Thank you I am glad you enjoyed it. and thanks for the review!

[Alice]

This is really good, i really like it. i don't really have any critiques because it is splendid just the way it is

[Joshua McNay]

Thank you Alice, I am happy you like it. It still feels a little unfinished to me but if it stays the way it is, I guess that's ok too. Thank you for the review.