The Chest

When you hide, who are you really hiding from?

I look in the corner, and there it sits

A chest with a lock for secrets to fit

I wrap them up neatly, and tuck them away

Put aside for another time, to open another day

 

Do I dare share the key with another?

Am I ready to share all I hid from her?

No time to think such thoughts

In my stomach, grows such a knot

 

She blows off the dust from the chest

Now my heart, it cannot rest

I gave her the key

No choice now, but to let her see

What will she say? What will she think?

To quell my nerves I need a drink

 

She smiles and looks to me, I am admittedly relieved

What I thought she would judge and not believe

She tells me it's ok, that there is no need to hide

I let out a sigh from deep inside

 

I thought I should be ashamed; I should put these things away

Such a weight has been lifted, the rope holding me will no longer fray

I let her in and shared my inner thoughts

Instead of shame, I found a friend, for a while I thought I had not

Author's Note

Written in a few minutes so take that into consideration if you review it, again I am open to any and all criticisms. Anything I can do to make it better or just better in the future let me know. Thanks

Reviews

[Clouded in Hopeful Illu..]

Thank you for sharing.

I would like to say that you should read this aloud to see how your stanzas and words flow together. If you are trying for a rhyming scheme, then you need to make sure to stick to that throughout and to make sure that your words actually rhyme. If they don’t, then it throws off the balance of the piece and it catches the reader causing them to focus on the flow instead of the subject matter.

As much as I would like to know what these secrets of shame are, it’s compelling that we as readers never really get to know. It’s as if this chest of the speaker’s really is only for this woman friend and even we are not privy to its secrets.

This is a good piece with many levels within it – Trust, shame, acceptance, expectations, and even redemption through chance. It is seemingly short, but holds a good number of lessons for all of us.
When I came to the last stanza, I really wanted to see the woman friend give the speaker a key of her own, but it would make sense that with how accepting she is, that her chest of secrets is laid open and she has already accepted all that it holds, much like the speaker is learning that he can do.

I think I would have enjoyed this piece more if there was more detail to it. What kind of chest does one hide their secrets in? A gold plated one? a dirty antique one? a one that was passed down from generation to generation that contains all the family secrets?

[Joshua McNay]

Thank you for the review! I have never really read any of my works aloud. It sounds like I should try it sometime. I wasn't really going for any sort of scheme I just picked words that felt right to me when I wrote it. Being the first of my poems I am happy to have the opportunity to hear critiques and make it better. thank you for the insight and will see about adding more detail in the future. Thank you again!

[Norman 223]

Apart from a few rhythmic and rhyming lapses, Joshua, this was an intriguing poem about sharing innermost thoughts and losing inhibitions. As suggested by another reviewer, reading a poem aloud will reveal the "weak points" in the overall construction.
With minor modifications you can give this piece more impact and style.

Norman

[Krizito]

Your choice of words were great and your poem was nice. But what was really impressive was the way you got each line to rhyme; its one thing that proves a challenge for me. Nice one.

[Joshua McNay]

Thanks! Rhyming is the one aspect of poetry I really like. I love to rhyme so I am happy that it impressed you. Thank you for the review!

[Rachael Lea]

I really like the imagery in this. Good job. To express the worry of sharing our deepest thoughts with someone in such a great way, I am sure any and all can relate to this poem. Thank you for sharing.

[Joshua McNay]

Thanks! This is one of the first things I ever wrote and the more people read it the more I feel better about the content of this. Thank you for the review!

[Aventicus]

Well, I can't say the same. My inner thoughts and emotions will most likely remained locked up within me for a very long time. Anyways, good poem.

[Joshua McNay]

It was freeing to share it but I understand not wanting to. Thank you for the review, glad you enjoyed it.

[Colene Pefley]

It is beautiful! I love it. It reminds me of someone very close to me. I got to see inside the chest, and accepted his secrets, which might have been tough for someone else to do. I love the revisions. Nice job!

[Joshua McNay]

Thank you. I wanted to try an fix some of the faults, and I am happy you liked what I did. This poem still means a lot to me. Every chance to improve it and make it better, is a win for me. Thank you again for taking another look!

[Cassie]

this is good really good.

[Joshua McNay]

Thanks, happy you liked it.

[Colene Pefley]

This is a sweet and lovely poem; sweet and thought provoking. The only criticism I have is I agree slightly with the review about the forced couplets, but I love the couplets. I just think some of them are too long, and could either be edited to be shorter. Or you could make more couplets with them, so they aren't so long.

The message and the word choices are beautiful.

[Joshua McNay]

Thank you. I thought about going in a tuning it, as it was one of the first things I ever wrote. I knew I liked rhymes and think I maybe I did force some. I might look into crafting a second version of it with more consideration of that. I appreciate the input and the review. Thanks again.

[SquinklaPsyOps]

I imagine this is a metaphor for something bigger in your life, but it is brilliant all the same.

[Joshua McNay]

Thank you! When I wrote it I admit it didn't really hold much significance but as time went on it changed. Glad you enjoyed it, thank you gain.

[Jackie]

I enjoyed this, quite a beautiful read. Very well crafted with

[Joshua McNay]

Thank you! I am always happy to hear when someone enjoys it.