(Untitled) Story Opening

The beginning of a story I'm working on. So real idea of overall length yet, but I'm putting this up mostly for feedback (any amount is appreciated!).

“You see her?”
“There's a lot of 'hers', Jason.”
“She's right there. That one. The one in the green sports jacket.”
I didn't find her right away. Of course, there were hundreds of girls here, so you can't really blame me.

“Oh, okay, I think I see her. The one who's laughing?”
“Yes, man!” said Jason. “Isn't she pretty?”
I looked a bit harder. Compared to most other girls in the school courtyard, she was good-looking (we had been sitting on top of the staircase; this gave us a pretty good view of the lunch rush).

“Yeah, she is,” I said. “That's the one you've been telling me about? Caliope, I think you said her name was?”
“Or Callie, for short. But, yeah, she's the one.”
“I see.” I couldn't think of much else to say. Yes, she was pretty. Yes, Jason had been talking about her for the entire month I was out of school. The thing is, Jason always did this. He'd meet a girl, say she's the most gorgeous woman around for miles, talk about her for weeks, but he'd never actually do anything about it. It was kinda funny sometimes, when you really thought about it. He had such a facination with women, yet he never took a step forward with it.
Even funnier, it's not like he had any reason to be afraid of rejection, or anything like that. Jason had been my best friend since the fourth grade (we were Juniors in high school, at this point), and for as long as I could remember, he had been a handsome dude�"A nice smile, dark, jet-black hair with bright blue-green eyes, he was by most women's standards, a catch. He was a pretty funny dude, too. His sense of humor reminded me a little bit of George Carlin-- Really smart, sometimes crude, always honest, but never dull. Jason was sarcastic, but could be serious if need be, and, though he didn't have many friends, those he did have could always count on him.
I don't know. He just had so much going for him. It was funny, at least to me.

The bell rang, screaming at us all to get to class (or, it might have been the campus monitor, Mrs. Bester. It was hard to tell sometimes).

Jason was the first to stand up.

“Better hurry up, David,” he said. “Miss Beast is headed this way.”

I got up, but I wasn't the most enthusiastic about it. The best classes of the day took place before lunch. Those were kinda over, by this point.

Author's Note

No idea of completed length, yet. Please, review/critique this as the opening sequence of a larger story. Be as honest as possible, but don't be a douche about it. Thanks!

Reviews

[jvava]

This is pretty good. I like the reality of it (the voice you used is very true for a teenager). You were good at describing the characters, particulary Jason, and also at describing the girl and their surroundings. I like how you started off with dialouge - I thought that was a great start to a story.
I know many people don't like to be judged on grammar, but I did notice a few mistakes in this story. Sometimes your tense was a little off, like in the beggining when you said 'you can't really blame me'. You had been using past tense before, and 'can't' is in present. I have that problem a lot, too. :) Besides that, there aren't really any other problems.
I hope I have been honest with this review, and I hope that it can help you. Right now, if you had any more of this story written, I'd probaly be intrigued enough to read it. I like how I don't know what's coming next - you didn't give the plot to the story away in the first few paragraphs. That's good.
Good writing. Keep it up, and good luck with the rest of your story!

[Joshua David Dary]

Thank you so much for the thoughtful criticism, Jvava! Every little bit helps, and thanks for pointing out the mistake as well. I truely appreciate it! :)

[Nia Hope]

I like this you should finish it soon so we can read it :) I'd only say that some of the sentences can be combined to make it flow a bit smoother like the last two. Other than that your story rocks so far keep it up!