Little Pink Backpack

A man. A backpack. And a person trying to scare him, with a horrendous way to do it.

Now, call me a girl all you want, but I like girl things. Nail polish, makeup, you name it. But, I've recently decided to stay away from a little pink backpack I've had since I was a child. I'm planning to give this away, and I'm typing this so that way whoever gets the backpack, won't be cursed with the same problem I'm having.

When I was 6 on my birthday, which was a few days before Halloween, I got a gift from my aunt. It was a little pink backpack, and when she gave it to me, it seemed like it was full of drugs. I loved it the instant it was put into my hands, and I even slept with it the night of my birthday.
The next day, I was mostly made fun of by the kids at my school, except for some of the girls, because of my backpack. I got messed with during lunch, got wedgies during recess. It wasn't the funnest of days, but I loved it, and I kept on wearing it. On Halloween, it didn't seem as nice.
On the night of Halloween, a strange smell came from my backpack. My mom, since a lot of odors came from me, told me to check my backpack. I've searched around in my backpack, until I found it where I usually put my binder. It was a plastic bag with something wrapped in napkins, and a note along with it. Taking it out, I decided to open the Ziploc and see the mystery item.
Man, I wish I hadn't unwrapped it.
What I found in there, was the head of a rat, and it seemed like it was fresh, too. I screamed like a baby not having their sucker, my mom coming in. She asked what was wrong, and then she saw the rat head. She screamed along with me, but just a yelp.
She then threw it away, which was then I noticed I forgot to show the note to her. I tried to read it myself, but there was too many words I didn't understand. I, understandably, shown my mom the note, and asked her to simplify it for me. After a few seconds, what she said made me want to hide in the closet for the rest of my life.
"I think this man is insane, and might even try to.. well, kill you."
I was really scared then, and so, my mom got some security stuff for our home, but even then, body parts came in napkins in plastic bags. Even at times, I got body parts from... well, for a lack of better words, a man's package.
Now that I'm 20, I still have the backpack, and I still get the body parts. I'm planning to give this away, hoping this story will rid the curse of that backpack.
But, now that I think about it, my aunt said that she got it from an abannnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn c vjfckdbscuybsdk fcjwehvck acv jx cfbswe nw

eh eth

t

eh 

te

h trjgh arwe78t 789436yt734 mt35kt
my name is beneza, please, dont spread the story. anyone that reads it, will get killed by me. i need this as a secret.

Author's Note

This is my 1st story, so hit me hard so that way I can improve my writing.

Reviews

[PaulB]

First off, this is very spooky with a scary end. Criticisms - you use '&' instead of 'and' - not a good idea. The character finds a mouse head then it changes to a rat's head. Line 7 'except for some of girls' did you mean 'some of the girls' ? A lot of these mistakes are easy to fix by going back over the story and revising. Keep writing though, I look forward to reading more. Btw, I had to edit this review, I wrote 'look forward to read more' - see what I mean?

[James C. Pulley]

Thanks for pointing all that out; I'll change it right away.

[Aslan Gerards]

I'm not certain if you want more reviews for this, but here you go!

Firstly- for your first story (at least on WritersCafe) it is fantastic. Especially as a standalone short story. Your voice is clear and solid, as is the idea.

Secondly (some generalist things)- It feels a little rushed. Horror like this is creeping, it sneaks up on you. This hits you like a car, which may be your intention.

Thirdly (some nitpicky things)- I don't think an adult would recall a backpack feeling like it "was full of drugs", even if they use drugs as an adult. Also, as a suggestion, maybe mess with the final message a bit more. Make the reader really try to figure out what it means while throwing in some random tid-bits to throw them off. I'd suggest looking up Kenneth Rexroth's "Fundamental Disagreement with Two Contemporaries", or another piece of deconstructionist work for reference. Also, Halloween might be a bit overkill for the timing of the story.

Final Review- Very solid voice and setting, if a bit short. Run over the grammar (especially the jumbled up mess that is supposed to be that way) to make sure the effect is clear.

Message me if you have any questions. Thanks!

[ImaginationGone]

Seems interesting enough.

From what I can tell, this is more of the story of the backpack.
Look forward to seeing more

[James C. Pulley]

^^(whenitwasntfinished)