THE HOG’S TALE

another ranch tale from my childhood

THE HOG’S TALE

the art of home butchering
and curing your own meat
has been lost to so many of our city cousins,
i remember my father doing it for several sunday farmers,
you know those nuevo rich fellows
who set up a 5 acre estate with a ranch style mansion
no small family rancher can afford...
my father’s school friend, ray, was that sort of gentleman...
visiting his home for dinner fixed by a french chef
was a welcome and delightful change from our daily fare,
however, my dad nearly lost his friend
when ray decided to raise his own pork,
ray bought 2 very nice weaner pigs from our ranch,
built them a 5 star pen with automatic feeder and watering device,
he even set up a washer that cleaned the pen and the pigs,
wow, what a fine life for a hog,
still,
there came a day when the hogs were just over 300 pounds
of solid well fed flesh, ready to butcher
and ray called my dad to do the butchering,
he was clueless about doing it himself,
unfortunately his hogs were ready during round-up and branding season on the ranch
and we were way to busy for the extra chore,
so dad gave ray the name of a home butchering outfit
and we kept on working
however,
ray had tasted our home butchered cured and smoked meat,
he wanted dad and only my dad to do the job,
he called every morning and evening
begging dad to do the job
finally my father, in a fit of pique, said
“ok, ray, i’ll do it, if you do the prep work”
and, with glee, ray agreed asking what the prep work was
my father said very tongue in cheek
“well ray, you wash them extra well
and then you shave off all their hair
and last you give the an enema...”
he hung up the phone absolutely positive
ray would understand the true meaning of the request...
the next day during lunch at the home place
my mom took a call that caused her right eyebrow to recede into her hairline,
in what my brothers and i
had dubbed her “evil eye”,
the one that told you,
you were truly in really really deep “s**t”...
she handed the phone to dad, “this one is definitely for you, dear.”
the call was ray’s wife, anne,
and she was in tears
saying ray was in the hospital
and could dad come finish the prep work on the hogs and do the butchering...
why?
“well” she said. “we did ok with the washing,
we got some liquid dish soap from the cook and
the hogs seemed to enjoy the shower bath,
they would have purred with pleasure if they could
while we used a large package of disposable razors to shave them,
but when ray tried the shove the pressure nozzle up their behinds
to give them the required enema
they nearly stomped him to pieces. he is in the hospital
black and blue
head to toe with a broken arm and 3 broken ribs”
so
that is why, to pay a debt, for a joke,
in the round-up branding season of 1963
my dad butchered and cured
and smoked two hogs for his friend, ray...

Reviews

[dan]

Just a timeless and totally entertaining story. I may be wrong, but I'm guessing there are few things funnier to genuine country folk than city folk trying to dress and act countrified. I mean, I feel like the country folk at the county fair are staring at my Reebok high-top sneakers and shaking their heads at such lunacy (while I'm staring at their 'cowboy' boots and wishing I was magically wearing a scuffed up pair). Thank you for the tale, this one and The Bull and the Boy made my day! take care...dan

[Emily]

I really like this one!!
Keep it up!
Well done!!

[daninstockholm]

haha,, sounds like your father was full of the old piss and vinegar,, cool guy with a wicked sense of humour,, great story well told!

[Cherry Pepperweb]

Great story JC!!
Well told. :)

[Aatharva Banaitkar]

a short story on a very different subject truly wonderful

[Coyote Poetry]

A amazing story. Farm life is different. I believe people would eat less meat if they knew the process of raising and killing. Thank you dear friend for sharing the interesting story.
Coyote

[MsJewel]

You are a wonderful storyteller! - quite an entertaining piece.

:) Julie

[Perkele.7885]

There are times when it is best to just not tell a story and just do what's called for to remedy the situation

[mattavelli]

Sometimes we underestimate people. It was a fun story, Jeannemarie.

[wordman]

and you tell it well,i assume it`s really a true story since i am from that era as well
and the chitlings prep is sickning