Hello Ugly Apple

It comes on out of nowhere like a relapse and I'm back to square one.
I don't know why and I don't know how to stop it.
But truthfully it's always there, like a dull ache.
F**k off and leave me alone, I'm not listening.
It is so painful, and it consumes me entirely.
But secretly I'm always hoping.
Hoping its all for a reason.
Boy do I love you.
You're beautiful in ways I'd never imagined.
You exist in colours that aren't visible.
You fill parts of me that don't exist.
I don't see you as others do, I don't see you, I don't need to.
I feel your soul, like breath in my lungs. So incomprehensibly necessary.
And that's more than anything.
You really went to town on my heart.
I hate remembering.
Actually I don't remember, I don't even think of you.
It's the way you made me feel, and the way you've ruined me.
You've utterly, ruined me.
I beg the stars with my desperate eyes that you once gazed into,
hoping they hear the cry from my barely beating heart.
Look you make me even more dramatic.
I'll be this dramatic for you anywhere in the world.
Just knock me out and let me stay there a while.
Let me go, it's choking me.
Sometimes life throws a spanner in the works and sometimes you throw it, still.
I can't even comprehend having you in my grasp.
I do wish I had a time machine; either to change it, just be with you again, or to never have met you.
So no, I can't be trusted with one either.
I'm not bitter, I'm just completely, completely ruined.. After all this time.
It's predictably unpredictable.
And it goes on.