Looking Back

I'm not much of a musician, but this is a song I wrote back in high school about my struggle of coming out as a lesbian.

I couldn't tell you when it happened,

cause I don't know for sure.

No one there to guide me,

through what I was heading for.

My single, one word question

can only be, why?

Cause it was me who had to suffer

without a catcher in the rye.

Their looks, their stares are following me,

but I never see them, when I'm turning around.

My mind is taking over,

and there's nothing I can do to save me.

It maybe all a game to them,

but baby,

I'll hold your hand when they disappear.

The mumbles, the whispers,

are killing me,

silently.

And that reflection in the mirror

is who I fear.

I'm drifting from the status quo.

I'm hoping my friends don't turn to foes.

Will I survive?

Hell, who knows.

But I can't seem to step through a door that's closed.

Cause that person in the mirror is ashamed.

Their looks, their stares are following me,

but I never see them, when I'm turning around.

My mind is taking over,

and there's nothing I can do to save me.

It maybe all a game to them,

but baby,

I'll hold your hand when they disappear.

A life of fear and endless tears

are a few of the problems some awake to everyday.

It pains me, oh it kills me

when another kid thought they had to leave the world.

But it amazes me how a simple word

can make the tables turn.

But when it multiples,

that's when we wanna die!

Cause that person in the mirror is ashamed,

from your shallow, ignorant words that cause me pain.

Their looks, their stares are following me,

but I never see them, when I'm turning around.

My mind is taking over,

and there's nothing I can do to save me.

It maybe all a game to them,

but baby,

I won't let this hate destroy us.

Their looks, their stares are following me,

but I never see them, cause I don't turn around.

My heart is taking over,

and there's nothing you can do to change me.

It maybe all a "choice" to them,

but baby,

what they think doesn't matter anymore.

Author's Note

Let me know what you think!

Reviews

[Abigail]

Great poem! I loved it. It's the hardest thing coming out but you really feel like you are living YOUR life instead of the way others expect you to live it. I remember the moment I realized I was a lesbian and the day I decided to come out. But we have to be true to ourselves. Excellent poem.

[therisa]

Janine, coming out to your family/friends, as an adult isn't any easier, than what you have written, in lyrics. I found this out, the hard way, as I was told, "Hell would have to freeze over, first, as I would have to come crawling, on my hands and knees, begging for my mom's forgiveness, before she would think about it." This sent me, into a suicidal depression for almost a month, nearly costing me, my job and apartment.

I do hope, when you shared your inner self, with your family/friends, you were met with love and compassion, Janine. Because, who you are, as a person and your sexual identity, doesn't define, your true self. Just another layer, to be shared, with those, you love. Thank you, for having the courage, to share this very personal side of yourself.

[Janine Boiselle]

Thank you for your appreciation and support of this piece, along with also sharing a personal side of yourself in this comment. I am very thankful that I was supported by my family during my coming out process. Though the "coming out" may be a hurdle that the LGBTQ+ community must continue jump over, I think that the continuous growth of acceptance will eventually eliminate the dreaded "closet" with due time.

[therisa]

Your welcome, Janine. One can only hope so, for the removal of the "closet" phase, in the development of our true selves.

[I Am Svetlana]

Love is love, no matter who it turns out to be with. As long as you are happy, the world has no say. It's such a common thing to be so worried about what others will say whenever you enter a new relationship or develop feelings for someone, but stay true to yourself and you'll discover things you never knew. Love is only possible if you're ready to experience the ups and downs and have the courage to work through it. Many lose who they are, their morals, when it comes to falling in love. And hey, love makes us do crazy things..the possibilities are endless!

[Janine Boiselle]

If only the narrow minds of this world could see and understand this, our world would be one big step closer to being a perfect place. Not that I think that anything can ever be perfect, but it helps to be optimistic I guess.

I think I wrote this back when I was a sophomore in high school? Somewhere around there. But it's interesting to see how much I've changed over the past 4 or 5 years since writing this.

I'm hoping that your message here is what teen readers will get out of this piece. There is hope, there is support, and you are not alone. :)

[I Am Svetlana]

Perfect isn't impossible, but in our world...it'll take A LOT to achieve. But like you said, just stay optimistic and keep your head up through the ups and downs. To prove this message that I've said, my sister just messaged me on Facebook saying how I'm disrespecting my parents just because I'm staying overnight with my boyfriend when my mom already allowed me to. My sister is personally trying to destroy my happiness and saying how what I do with my boyfriend or whenever I hang out with him is "gross". It's none of her business what I do with my boyfriend and nor does she begin to understand how much happier I am since I've been with him. I'm always a mess up in her eyes, but I don't bother listening to any of what she has to say because it's not her life. It's mine and if my parents give me permission to see or stay overnight with my boyfriend, I will.

[Janine Boiselle]

I am sorry that your sister feels the need to do this. However, these posts are supposed to be about my writing and how to improve it. If you'd like to talk about this in a message, that's fine. I'd like to keep these posts on topic if you don't mind :)