The Blind Date

A vulgar, but humorous play I wrote about a man named Scott stuck on a blind date with a very peppy girl. To help him in the situation are the Angel and Devil on his shoulder. Enjoy!

Cast:

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Scott- An average cubical desk worker; simple person, overall boring, but has a lot of internal thoughts. He is stuck on a blind date with Brittany.

Brittany- A peppy, young woman who can talk for hours; wacky, loud, and childish. 

Angel- Scott’s imaginary positive/good figure

Devil- Scott’s imaginary negative/bad figure

Whitney- Waitress for Scott and Brittany’s table; extremely attractive and flirtatious, she is the antithesis of her sister, Brittany.

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(Scene begins in a small, local restaurant during the evening. Scott is sitting at a table for two by himself anxiously looking out a window and checking the time on his phone multiple times.)

Scott: Ugh, I can’t believe I agreed to this. Why do I always go along with the stupidest ideas?

(Angel appears behind Scott’s right shoulder)

Angel: Lighten up, Scott! Blind dates may have a stigma, but you never know what could happen. I’m sure a lovely, young woman will be strutting her way into this restaurant any minute now.

(Devil appears behind Scott’s left shoulder)

Devil: Psh, don’t listen to that idiot! Blind dates have a bad stigma because they are what they are: a waste of time and money topped with big ol’ pile of awkward tension.

Angel: (Turns to Devil) Oh come on; they’re not that bad.

Devil: You should get outta here now while you have the chance.

Scott: But what if I run into her on the way out?

Devil: Do you know what the word blind means? The b***h doesn't know you!

Scott: This restaurant isn't really big. I’m sure anyone with common sense would notice if I was ditching her.

Angel: Scott you need to relax. You can’t knock something you've never tried. Come on, just give it a chance. What have ya got to lose?

Scott: Oh you know: my time, my money, my confidence.

Devil: That’s my boy!

Angel: (Points finger at Devil) You shut up, (Points to Scott), and you, stop being so ridiculous. You can’t lose confidence if you never had any to begin with.

Scott: Hey! I thought you were supposed to be nice!?

Angel: Spare me the bullshit; you need to hear the truth.

Devil: Whoa Scott, when did you hire Dr. Phil to hang out on your shoulder?

Angel: (Turns to Devil) Can you not?! (Rolls eyes and turns back to Scott) If you want to be a baby for the rest of your life, go ahead and leave. But don’t come crying to me when you’re single, lonely, and haven’t gotten laid in months by someone who isn't from a Red Light District.

Devil: Who the hell made you an Angel?!

Scott: Alright, alright, I’ll stay.

Angel: Good. Cause I think that might be your girl now.

(Brittany enters restaurant, looks around the room)

Devil: (Makes a vomiting sound) Damn Scott! If that’s your girl, you’re fucked my friend.

Scott: (Ducks head down and covers face) I hate my life.

Angel: You guys are way too picky! She’s not that bad; ugh, both of you are so over dramatic.

Devil: You clearly have no taste in women.

Angel: You clearly are a prick.

Devil: Why else would I have horns on top of my f****n head?

Scott: Will you two shut up?! I think she’s coming over here.

Devil: You’re the only one that can hear us, dumb a*s!

(Brittany walks over to Scott’s table, and he stands to introduce himself)

Scott: Are you Brittany?

Brittany: I am! You must be Scott! It’s so nice to meet you! (Brittany grabs Scott’s hand and shakes vigorously)

Devil: Would ya look at that? First 10 seconds of meeting her and she’s already crazy.

Angel: You’re a dick.

Scott: Yup. I’m Scott.

Brittany: I. Am. So. EXCITED! I've never been on a blind date before; this is fun already! This restaurant is sooooo cute. Here let’s sit down and get to know each other.

(Waitress comes over)

Whitney: Good evening, folks. My name is Whitney and---

Scott: Wait (Scott points to Brittany), I thought you were Whitney.

Whitney: Oh no sweetie, that’s---

Brittany: Brittany! I’m Brittany!

Scott: Oh…okay.

Whitney: (Clears throat) Would the two of you care to start off with some drinks?

Brittany: I will have a Shirley Temple with EXTRA cherries!

Whitney: A creature of habit (Writes on notepad) And for you sir?

Angel: Keep it simple; just get a soda or something.

Devil: Or some absinthe. (Rolls eyes) 

Scott: Jack and Coke on the rocks.

Whitney: Excellent. I’ll get those right away (Waitress exits)

Angel: Or you can just not listen to me.

Scott: What? There’s soda in my drink.

Devil: Just you watch, ladies; booze is gonna be the MVP tonight. Hell, I wouldn't be surprised if the waitress came back sloshed.

Scott: So…uh… what do you do for a living?

Brittany: I’m a professional mime!

Scott: A mime?

Brittany: Yeah, you know! (Starts acting like she is stuck in a box)

Devil: (Bursts into laughter) I think I’m gonna piss myself!

Angel: (Turns to Devil) What!? Mimes are…cool!

Devil: I’m pretty sure Angels aren't supposed to liiiiie.

Brittany: What about you?!

Scott: I work for a publishing company.

Brittany: Oh my gosh, I LOOOOOVVVVEEEE books! Do you get to read books all day?! I bet you do!

Scott: Well, they’re not exactly books yet---

(Waitress shows up with drinks)

Whitney: Alright, you folks ready to order?

Devil: Scott, what are ya doin’ with your life? This waitress is smokin’! If you don’t get her number, I will!

Angel: Oh please, you couldn't even get Brittany’s number!

Devil: Says the virgin!

Angel: I have you know; I need both of my hands to keep track of how many times I've taken another angel’s halo. So you can piss off, fireball.

Brittany: Oh sugar plums! Scott and I here got so excited that we didn't even get a chance to look at the menu!

Whitney: I’m sure you could help him with the menu Brit"(Brittany kicks Whitney in the shin) BRECAUSE. Because teamwork is important! ...Or I can give both of you more time?

Scott: Yes, pleas---

Brittany: Oh no, that won’t be necessary. Let’s get Scott over here a nice 12 oz. sirloin with the mashed potatoes. You like meat there, Scotty?

Scott: Sure.

Whitney: And how would you like that cooked?

Scott: (puts one hand up to pause Brittany from answering, then uses his other hand to take a swig of his drink) Well done.

Devil: There ya go; knock it back buddy.

Whitney: (Writes on notepad) Okay, and for you?

Brittany: I’m gonna go with the kid’s pasta with extra sauce. Such a baby stomach! (Starts to rub her stomach as if she was pregnant)

Whitney: Very well, I’ll put those orders in for you now.

(Whitney winks at Scott as she exits the scene. Brittany begins to babble away again while Scott pretends to listen)

Scott: Did the waitress just wink at me?

Devil: HA! She did not. That was definitely for me.

Angel: You two are animals.

Devil: Hell yeah we are, right Scott!? (Punches Scott in the shoulder) This wild animal (points to himself) knows what’s up: Brittany is insane!

Angel: You guys didn't even give her a chance! Maybe she talks a lot when she’s nervous.

Scott: I don’t know how much longer I can take this. I mean look at her: she looks like a circus act, oh wait no I forgot she’s a f*****g MIME. And she’s talking like she just drank a full prescription Aderall! I can’t even imagine how the rest of the night is gonna go, and at this rate, I’m sure as hell not about to sit here and find out (turns to Devil) How do I get myself out of this?

Angel: No, no Scott, you’re not ditching this poor girl.

Scott: (Turns to Angel) F**k that, man! She’s probably got a set of wedding rings in her purse. (Turns back to Devil) Seriously though, how are we gonna get out of here?

Angel: Neh, neh, neh, neh, no! This is not happening. Team meeting. Bathroom. NOW.

(Scott gets out of his chair)

Scott: Oh wow… (holds stomach, excuse me Brittany.

(Scott frantically speed walks away. As he enters the bathroom, Whitney enters and is at the table with Brittany. While the two girls talk, Scott is pacing around the bathroom trying to think of a plan)

Whitney: Since when did I tell you that you can borrow that shirt!?

Brittany: You technically didn't, but I found it at mom's place.

Whitney: Well you better not get spaghetti sauce on it!

(Girls continue to babble about the shirt, meanwhile Scott and his accomplices argue in the bathroom)

Scott: We’re fucked. We’re so fucked!

Devil: What are you talking about? You’re the one who’s fucked.

Angel: ENOUGH! (Scott and the Devil freeze, and then slowly turn their heads to the Angel) Scott, you wouldn't be in this mess if you just gave the girl a f*****g chance. And you! (Turns to Devil) I could write a whole f****n' book about how much I don’t like you! So you better shut your f****n' mouth before I punch your teeth in.

Devil: (Looks up in the air) Hey, God, are you hearing this right now?

Scott: Alright, look! (turns to Angel) I’m sorry, man, but I just can’t sit back and let this disaster get any worse (Turns to Devil) so what’s the plan, hot shot?

Devil: Pretend to be sick. Classic move, but it’ll get the job done.

Angel: Stupidity in the making.

(As the three continue to argue about what to do, the girls have stopped worrying about Whitney’s shirt and are talking about Scott)

Whitney: So what do you think of office drone?

Brittany: Whitney, that’s not nice. Scott seems like a wonderful man!

Whitney: Sis, I don’t mean to bring you down… you know I don’t, but I don’t think he’s interested in you. And I’m telling you this because I care about your happiness.

Brittany: You’re being ridiculous; he tots likes me! (Brittany flips her hair with her hand) And I saw you wink at him earlier. I bet you just want Scott for yourself!

Whitney: Brittany, it’s not like that, I just wanted to get some hints from him to make sure he isn't"

(The bathroom door opens and out comes Scott)

Brittany: (Whispers) S**t, he’s back! No more talky! Go, go, go!

(Scott walks back over to the table, but he is hunched over holding his stomach)

Scott: Oh man, Brittany.

Brittany: Are you okay, pumpkin?

Scott: I think I have a stomach bug. 

Brittany: Oh sweetie! Let me look in my purse for some drugs. Hold on (begins to dig through purse)

Scott: (Holds up hand in stopping motion) Oh no, that’s okay. I might have to go home, Brittany, I’m sorry. I just feel really nauseous and"

Brittany: But, but you were just fine a minute ago!

Scott: Ah I think it’s the booze that did it; shouldn't have gotten a drink.

Brittany: But you've only taken a few sips--- wait a minute… I know what you’re doing.

Scott: I don’t know what you’re talking about Brittany; I really don’t feel good (begins to gag like he is about to throw up) Oh man, I think something’s comin' up!

Brittany: (Stands up) She was right about you… you’re pretending!

Scott: I don’t know what---

Brittany: Don’t “I don’t know” me! I know exactly what you’re doing. Pretending you’re sick just to try and get yourself out of our date!

Scott: (Chuckles) Well, I mean my stomach does really---

Brittany: (Slaps Scott across the face) What was that, Scott? Your stomach really hurts? Because I think I just hit your face!

Devil: (Bursts into laughter) Aw, s**t, this is awesome!

Scott: But I---

Brittany: But what?! I've been nothing been nice to you since I walked into this restaurant. You’re a MEANY! And do you know what THAT means?!

Scott: Brittany, please stop yelling. People are starring…

Brittany: You’re in SOOOO much trouble! (Brittany exits restaurant)

Devil: Mission complete!

Angel: What are you talking about? That was a total failure!

Scott: I’m puttin’ this as a win in my book. She didn't even slap me that hard.

(Waitress enters)

Whitney: What’s going on out here? Where’s your date?

Scott: (Sighs in relief) Damn man, you missed it. She ran out the door. Thank God. I wasn't sure how much longer I could have pretended that she wasn't psychotic. Absolutely awful night…

Whitney: (Flirtatious tone) That’s too bad…maybe I can make it better? (Seductively bites her bottom lip)

Scott: Your place or mine sweetie? (He eyes her up and down) Hell, if you’re the kinky type, (points behind him) that bathroom back there locks from the inside. Oh and don’t worry, I didn't really puke. (he smirks)

Whitney: Oooo, adventurous! But before we get outta here, let me give you the bill. (Punches Scott in the eye) The tab comes to a grand total of, “You’re a f****n' dickhead!” We charge extra for scumbags who mistreat my little sister!

(Scott leans against table)

Scott: Aw s**t.

Whitney: Aw s**t is right! (Whitney begins to exit) ….f****n' a*****e…..

Devil: Don’t worry Scott. If it makes you feel any better, watching all of this happen is much more painful than getting a punch to the face.

Angel: Well, it looks like you’re really gonna be going on blind dates from now on huh?

Devil: Step aside,boys, let the real lady's man show you how it's done next time.

Scott: Next time?!

(End scene)

Author's Note

Let me know if this made you laugh! And also, were you content with the ending? I'm still not satisfied with the one I have, and would like suggestions :)

Reviews

[Deron Anthony]

Should've had say he was sick, and as he's pretending Brittney starts to take off some closes to get cool revealing her nice toned body. Scotts like wow she actually hot.. Brittney is texting someone..she says sorry you don't feel good. Scotts about to tell the truth but Whitney comes out and her and Brittney began to leave and Brittney says sorry you got sick...me and my so are going to a sex party. See ya around.

Scott and Devil mouths opens.
Angel "See"

[Janine Boiselle]

lol interesting twist xD

[Deron Anthony]

Some women are like packages you have to unravel 😁