The Garden of the Used

There's a thought that keeps turning,

around in my head.

A dezire that's burning,

when i lay in my bed.

A feeling so strong,

i know it is wrong.

For when i feel this way,

it makes me sway.

Loving, compassionate, handsome and true,

these are the things i feel about you.

And as we kiss under the trees,

I feel a soft breeze.

But the breeze brings not only, dry leaves and songs,

it fills my heart with the doing of wrongs.

For under this tree,

you know only me...

But when you get home,

you are sure to phone,

your one and only true love.

And as for me,

i will be,

just another seed,

in your garden of the used.

Author's Note

i know there is some flowing problems but i'm not quite sure how to fix that.

Reviews

[Lexi Nicole]

There's something magical about this piece. It's enchanting. Very well-written!

Tallulah is right about your flow problem. The mis-matched line lengths are obstructing the rhyme. Also, there is at least one comma that it placed awkwardly. "But the breeze brings not only, dry leaves and songs". Commas are a signal to pause for a second, and pausing there throws it off a little. You might want to take it out.

Hope that helps! Great writing, keep it up!

-Howl

[Tallulah]

Ok i really liek this poem. The whole idea is an amazing one. I like the ryhming but I think I have discovered your flow problem. Because this piece ryhmes I think it would help if you kept each line at a similar size because if you make it longer it kinda sounds like a run on sentence. I hope that helps.

[Brandi Lynn]

There was only one point in which the flow kinda of faltered, but it is still good. For me theres a sense of betrayal that sneaks up and smacks ya at the end. Keep it up!

[Elandra]

I loved the line "garden of the used". The title itself made me really want to read the poem. As far as "flowing" goes I'd suggest maybe cutting up some of the very long lines so there is not such a hard contrast with the very short ones. Aside from technicalities, this poem was one that I could relate personally too - reminded me of a past relationship. Beautiful analogy you used here. Very emotional and touching poem.

[Shelly Araujo]

"in your garden of the used", very powerful line. I have found that when I feel like my poems don't flow, if I leave them for a while and then come back, it will come to me.