Creme

 

I leap into a teacup for the evening

        swim in the stars, float on the moon

sing to the sun, dine with the sea

        An arrow lances my keystone

leaving me vincible; peaceable

         Sprinkles of mischief lasso my eyes

 

I cast out honey-lemon dreams, cradle sugar in my palm

          Dance with the East, Converse with the West

The twinkle of mischief Illuminates my eyes

 

I hear the notes of love float among the tide        

          Beats of crimson hearts, unyielding bind

I close my eyes and kiss goodnite..

Author's Note

structure? punctuation?

Reviews

[Lyn Anderson]

I love these lines and the great imagery. I gave it a go, to give you an idea - take out the unnecessary punctuation and play with the structure:

I leap into a teacup for the evening

swim in the stars
float on the moon

sing to the sun
dine with the sea

An arrow lances my keystone

leaving me vincible
peaceable

Sprinkles of mischief lasso my eyes



I cast out honey-lemon dreams
cradle sugar in my palm

dance with the East
and converse with the West

The twinkle of mischief Illuminates my eyes



I hear the notes of love float among the tide

beats of crimson hearts
unyielding bind

I close my eyes and kiss goodnite..

[Jacquelene Vanessa Moreno]

that does look nice , neat and beautiful. Thank you for the suggestion, I think I will get on that

[Lyn Anderson]

You are very welcome. I think it is a very beautiful poem.

[Rosary]

I think its quite inventive very artistic but it needs more emotion
but i cant say much my writings seem to have strong emotion and there lacking artistic value
anyway you could keep it like this and that be fine
but if you could find out how to add more emotion into it
I think you could up with a real for lack of a better word a real hit

[Travis Lawrence]

"I leap into a teacup for the evening
swim in the stars, float on the moon
Sing to the sun, dine with the sea"
-- I honestly do like each of these images, but am not sure how I feel about them all together so close. Maybe you could expand, say, throw a descriptive line about what it feels like to do each of these things.

"I cast out honey-lemon dreams, cradle sugar in my palm
Dance with the East, Converse with the West
Sprinkles of mischief lasso my eyes"
-- I like this stanza, no changes suggested here.

"I hear the notes of love float among the tide
Beats of crimson hearts, unyielding bind
I close my eyes and kiss goodnite.."
-- I get the sense of you sitting by an ocean and drifting off to sleep. A solid ending.

Really, I didn't see much wrong with the structure, but you could experiment with line breaks, just throw some in randomly and see what happens.

In conclusion, a solid piece, thanks for sharing!

-Travis

[Morgan Ashire]

You're right, there is something missing. Decent imagery, but I feel no emotion. If I were to wager a guess, this piece is about every evening, falling into cup of tea to immerse yourself and feel free. ...what the hell? It's official...I can't not rhyme. Anyway, the emotions, even if an undertone don't seem to be present, or if they are, they're too soft to be of any major consequence or importance, and will be easily looked over. Use what you have thus far as an outline of what you want. Make it short, make it long, it doesn't matter. Just fill in the mortar between the building blocks. Without the binder, any piece, no matter how strong it stands, no matter how indestructible, will fall. You have your blocks. Fit them together. I suggest writing in strong emotion to this piece to go along with your already strong imagery. A piece that only contains one of the three elements of a poem will not be strong enough. You need a block and binder. Imagery is your block, write in your binder. I look forward to seeing this when it is finished.

[Vannah]

i like it....

[[untitled]]

I liked this. I thought the structure was good. You may want to do away with some of the periods. When I read it out loud it tended not to flow so well. Great choice of words! I loved the image you created.