Key

Key

 

I sit in the park on a small grassy hill to bind myself.

The roots of the large oak whisper failed vows lost in the wind.

I am entranced by the obscure heavens above,

deciphering my bleak yet severe surroundings.

 

I hear children laughing, but  i do not laugh with them.

I see families walk hand in hand, but i do not walk with them.

 

My portrait is a kaleidoscope of shattered beauty,

forever changing the same colors: yellow, red, green, blue.

We are green with envy.

 

Green is the earth beneath our striding limbs,

the color upon which we thrive.

i am blue.

 

I lull in a ring of fire, loathing the idea of escape.

To step out means to be nude, cold, and vulnerable.

I am not complete.

 

My heart slowly pumps blood with the beat of sound.

Music drips through my fingertips onto the empty ground,

leaving a permanent lullaby.

 

To touch me means to leave me.

To see me means to be me.

To love me means to free me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Author's Note

I would appreciate your honest opinions, suggestions? errors?

Reviews

[Travis Lawrence]

Wow, this is great! Really, don't change much, I certainly wouldn't touch it.

"My heart slowly pumps blood with the beat of sound.
Music drips through my fingertips onto the empty ground,
leaving a permanent lullaby."

Personally, my favorite stanza. I wish I were in a mood of explanation, but I really am sort of brain dead at the moment. I do know, though, that this is quality poetry. Thanks for the friend request, and please, send me read requests whenever you feel like.

Have a nice day!

-Travis

[Tali Longkumer]

I lull in a ring of fire, loathing the idea of escape.
To step out means to be nude, cold, and vulnerable.
I am not complete.



Nice lines.... though dark yet solemn!

[Collect-Eye]

I wouldn't actually change any words..they are amazing and beautiful [=

but a suggestion..an experiment..maybe intersperse the last three lines between stanzas
the previous stanza may work better as an ending..and the that put in might work better to provoke thoughts and emotions. I just really like the second to last stanza, and since you suggested making a suggestion..otherwise I normally don't believe in criticism.

"Green is the earth beneath our striding limbs,",
"I lull in a ring of fire, loathing the idea of escape.", &
"Music drips through my fingertips onto the empty ground,"
are all amazing lines..flowing w/ imagery and rhythm that stimulates the imagination in a very natural way..

very good stuff.

John

[Bryce Simonds]

I liked the ending. It completed the poem very nicely. Maybe it's just the few poems I've read of yours, but your style seems to be similiar in all of them. Maybe try doing something new? I have no idea what, but it was just a suggestion, lol. Still, this was good.
Thanks for sharing.
-Bryce

[Constance]

I love this piece. The title gives it an even keener feel. The last stanza ties it all up excellently, too. Very nicely done. :)

[Legion]

I like it. One should be nude, cold and vulnerable once in awhile. Lets you know more about yourself and also who your true friends and family are. I especially liked the last three lines together. Kudos.

[Periac]

there are some spectacular lines in this piece and i must say they are absolutely brilliant

"I sit in the park on a small grassy hill to bind myself.
The roots of the large oak whisper failed vows lost in the wind."

wonderful wonderful setting

"Music drips through my fingertips onto the empty ground,
leaving a permanent lullaby."

great use of description here.....

loved it...

[darkmusicbaby88]

I really like this poem. I can feel the emotion and the honesty is moving. The imagry is very stricking. To be so open about your emotions is very brave. I really appriciate your feed back on some of my poetry.

[ShadowWolf]

It is the last two lines that speak the loudest of who and what you are! Very nice!

[Flow]

I can tell you I can't tell you about any errors as they are my greatest weakness in writing. Still this reflection into your thoughts made me feel as if I was sitting next to you listening to your thoughts. Most never admit to envy of others who are so happy. We all want that white picket fence and the promise that life is perfect after we obtain it. Your last stanza was profound, a truth of self if you will. It shows there is more to you than a pretty face sitting on the grass thinking while watching others walking by. Great flow of internal thoughts. :)

[Angel's Lady]

I love it from start to finish!

Music drips through my fingertips onto the empty ground,
leaving a permanent lullaby.

I especially loved these two lines...very beautiful! Eloquent and well written! Great job!