Symbiosis

Symbiosis

 

Wineglass eyes: sullen hue of pinched red

The foul stench of scorched earth surrounds his furrowed brows into a scowl

I quench each aggrieved bull's eye

My limp arms slink into his solid cold waste

I feed Symbiotically

I clench my eyes holding myself steady

I undergo this translucent thief that has stolen my other.

Author's Note

it would be helpful to get some feed back and critical critiques

Reviews

[KeeD]

First kudos to you for breaking out of the norm and just writing a poem that feeds from your imagination.
Now about the poem, I appreciate the connection between host and this dependent. It reads almost differently every time sparking forth different perceptions from its entirety. What resonates throughout though is the fact that it takes two to play this game of sorts and if the subject feels victimized in this piece it's very poetic.

[Rambling Prose]

This is a very deep write, but is not outside the bounds of comprehension. I love the imagery you've painted with your use of precise diction. The progression keeps in step throughout from the onset to the finish.
So, I shall attempt to relate to you what this piece spoke to me.

"Wine glass eyes: sullen hue of pinched red" � I liken this unto seeing through rose colored glasses which is not hard to do when under the influence of another's strong hold. The pinched red is just enough to obstruct clarity of mind.

"I quench each aggrieved bull's eye" � My perception is: You quench each direct hit that would seemingly pierce � mind, body or spirit.

"My limp arms slink into his solid cold waste" � Still, his callousness, cold and uncaring prevails, rendering you helpless to his intent.

"I feed symbiotically" � Controlled by the false perception that you ALONE are just that: ALONE without him. It matters not whether it's beneficial or detrimental to your wellbeing.

"I clench my eyes holding steady" � Try as you may, your will to resist is useless and you brace yourself for the inevitable.

"I undergo this translucent thief that has stolen my other" � To me, this speaks of: Being blinded by this lucidness that emanates from this thief which in turn prevents you from perceiving a more distinct image � the true harm caused in yielding time and time again.

That's it in a nutshell - forgive me if I'm way out in left field. Don't every change who you are because someone fails to understand the distinct voice conveyed in your writing. Be true to yourself - and everything else will follow.

~excellent write!~

[Kasey Klein]

I don't get it at all. Maybe I come back later and read it again.

[Lalli]

This poem is incredibly deep, so much sooo that I think it hard to understand the circumstances of whats happened... There are incredible lines within this poem that make it even more incrediblly powerful. The metaphoircal use of wineglass eyes, feeding symbiotically, agreeived bullseye.. My question nis.. when you say your arms slink into his cold waste would that be the waste of the murderer? or the loved one? I have the feeling its of the murder which is why you feed from him sybiotcally, translucently becoming him.. It was very well written.. Its defintely a poem that has a beautiful depth that unfrotuantely i think will be missed by many, your usage of terminology is outstandingly vast.. You said u wanted critical critque.. maybe if n e thing because i feel it is such a well written piece and really needs no touch up.. if u might want to clarify who's cold waste you feeding from. That might help a few readers.

you have TALENT! glad i got to read this!

much love n respect

-Lalli

[Jarrai]

Pretty good, a bit obscure, which some may find to be a bad thing I myself love that sort of thing, very strange, which I find interesting, but would probably confuse those "average" folks.

[Wildfleour]

Wow. This is very dark and very deep. I would like to know what you are looking for, in terms of critique.

[Treasaigh (The Solitar..]

I undergo this translucent thief that has stolen my other.


Powerful words! I love it!=)

[Markus]

When I read a poem, or even a book for that matter, I look for lines that catch my attention. The funny part about this piece is that happened to be the first two words: Wineglass eyes. I really enjoy the way you used that phrase. It's really cool to read the different kinds of descriptions so as to not make something sound cliche'. Good job.

[darkmusicbaby88]

I liked it, the wording was very intriguing. The wording flowed very well and I was drawn in from the first sentence. It reminded me of a relationship gone bad. Good imagry!

[Valentine]

Very interesting way to say two people that are with each other not out of love but mutual benefit..not leaving one free to just be themselves.. I would have divided the second line into two lines..God bless..Valentine

[Rylan Batten]

Thoughtful enough that it makes an intriguing piece, and ambiguous enough that it really compels the reader to think. Nice poem, creative wording, I liked it all