Symbiosis

Symbiosis

 

Wineglass eyes: sullen hue of pinched red

The foul stench of scorched earth surrounds his furrowed brows into a scowl

I quench each aggrieved bull's eye

My limp arms slink into his solid cold waste

I feed Symbiotically

I clench my eyes holding myself steady

I undergo this translucent thief that has stolen my other.

Author's Note

it would be helpful to get some feed back and critical critiques

Reviews

[KeeD]

First kudos to you for breaking out of the norm and just writing a poem that feeds from your imagination.
Now about the poem, I appreciate the connection between host and this dependent. It reads almost differently every time sparking forth different perceptions from its entirety. What resonates throughout though is the fact that it takes two to play this game of sorts and if the subject feels victimized in this piece it's very poetic.

[vanishing]

Wineglass eyes: sullen hue of pinched red... ..mm instead of "of".. what about "reflecting"

The foul stench of scorched earth surrounds his furrowed brows into a scowl.. ..hard to understand

I quench each aggrieved bull's eye..........remove "i" and just say "quenching

My limp arms slink into his solid cold waste......remove "my"

I feed Symbiotically... whats with the capital lettering.. remove "i" and say feeding

Clench my eyes holding myself steady.....remove "i" and say -clenching..remove "my"

I undergo this translucent thief that has stolen my other... remove "this" and "that" say "undergoing"

i feel this poem is halfway there.. the images are spiratatic and don't really make sense
in light of the context.. overwording..
and you use words thats fail to recipricate forward motion and overstate the character
way to much like"my" and "i"..also dont capitalize words that don't need it..
and why puncuate the last sentence.. its inconsistant..




Wineglass eyes; sullen hue reflecting pinched red
The foul stench of scorched earth surrounds his furrowed brow into a scowl.....brow is singular
Quenching each aggrieved bull's eye
Limp arms slink into his solid cold waste
Feeding symbiotically
Clenching eyes I hold steady.....is clenching the right word?
Undergoing translucent thief has stolen my other....other what?

other than that nice job..

[Jane Doe]

This is a wonderful piece, I like the flow and the rhythm as well as the imagery. It is very effective. Though the entire piece is great, I really liked this line:

'I undergo this translucent thief that has stolen my other.'

I can really relate to that one!

[Brett Campaigne]

this poem exquisitely relates the truth that the body doesn't end at the surface of the skin. The Body as we know it is just a concentrates point of control, but not the limits of control or feeling... it is the achor we throw our sensations outward from.

This poem is gorged with diamond cut metaphors.

It seems the poets who often ask for critiques, and the one's the least needing it.

[>]

Even though it is a bit obscure I found meaning in it. I took the meaning to be that of one who looks through inebriated eyes. Maybe that alcohol has taken away someone who was dear to you. I find power in the obscure so even if I didn't quite get exactly what you were putting out there, I appreciated your play on words :). Sorry it took so long to review. Thank you for your review also:)

[Voltaire Mephisto (aka ..]

It might be because I'm sick but I don't really understand what it's about. If it's meant to be abstract then I can dig it. I might have to have a few drinks to find meaning, though.

As has been said by other reviewers, I found this to be a bit obscure for my tastes. I managed to form my own interpretation though, which was different to the one Rambling Prose or Tao2004 got out of it. I read it as a poem about domestic alcohol issues; the "wineglass eyes" and "aggrieved bull's eyes" both evoke a blood-shot image, while the "foul stench" could possibly be alcohol on the breath. That, combined with the final line (as pure alcohol is transluscent and it is easy to see how having an alcoholic partner is having them stolen away by alcohol) set my view in place; though I'm not quite sure where the symbiosis fits in, which is a fairly major part of the poem =P.

Perhaps revising for clarity would be an option =). You've definately got the language use and metaphor down pat.

[larryb]

Not that i know much but was a fine write to me........

[Your Tasty Field Adviso..]

this poem is full of a great imagination. the light into the mind this poem sends is really enticing. great work. :D

[SM Davis]

Perhaps it is the earliness of the weekend morning, but I have sent you a private message...

[Legion]

What a perplexing and wonderful description of what appears to be a co-dependent love/hate relationship. Very dark and disturbing. You choose and use your wording well. Perfectly dark. Going in my favorites.