Symbiosis

Symbiosis

 

Wineglass eyes: sullen hue of pinched red

The foul stench of scorched earth surrounds his furrowed brows into a scowl

I quench each aggrieved bull's eye

My limp arms slink into his solid cold waste

I feed Symbiotically

I clench my eyes holding myself steady

I undergo this translucent thief that has stolen my other.

Author's Note

it would be helpful to get some feed back and critical critiques

Reviews

[KeeD]

First kudos to you for breaking out of the norm and just writing a poem that feeds from your imagination.
Now about the poem, I appreciate the connection between host and this dependent. It reads almost differently every time sparking forth different perceptions from its entirety. What resonates throughout though is the fact that it takes two to play this game of sorts and if the subject feels victimized in this piece it's very poetic.

[Re-Pete]

i like it a lot. you have a stark, bold way of wording and imagery. there is a quiet, mysterious power and depth. kind of transcends like another dimension ... :)

[Phill Oz O'fee]

Firstly, I noticed this was written in 2008 – so please allow me to suggest a revamp that would enhance the imagery and perhaps add more dynamics to the wordplay, as follows;
Symbiosis

Wineglass eyes
Sullen hues of pinched red
The foul stench of scorched earth
Surrounds his furrowed brow
Into a scowl

I quench
Each aggrieved bull's eye
My limp arms
Slink
Into his solid cold waste

I feed
Symbiotically
I clench my eyes
Holding myself steady
I undergo this translucent thief

Who … has stolen my other

[JMKane117]

I really adore poems that make you reread them, especially one's containing my favourite word, symbiotic! Great work :)

[OrvisEd]

I feel the dependency between the two people in this poem isn't healthy, as if she submits to him. I don't feel this poem is too abstract; it leaves more to the imagination. =]

[R. L. Hill]

Obscure is a good word for this type of poetry. But being obscure is not a burden here. You have captured a sense of being that is unusual and powerful. A combination of souls, mayhap. My only advice is not to delve too far into the abstract. You can lose a large portion of your readers that way. That said, I really enjoyed this.

[Jacquelene Vanessa Moreno]

Thank you Quirklet, I tend to make a home with the obscure because any other place feels a bit foreign. I want to reach as many people as I can, thank you again

[R. L. Hill]

I think stretches your wings will do you good. I'd love to see you use your talent with words in other capacities.

[-Aurelia Mirella]

I, personally like it better when poems rhyme, but that's me.

At first I found it hard to understand then I reread it and it made more sense. I love how you decribed the eyes as 'wineglass'. I thought it to be very clever, and I just like anything that has to do with the eye.

It was still very enjoyable to read. :]

Great job.

Always,
-Aurelia

[Collect-Eye]

I disagree w/ everything tru-blue has stated..
every character is sacred and must be acknowledged w/ due respect...
because they are, after all, sullen hues reflecting..umm..YOU

ex.--line 2 makes perfect sense..I wouldn't normally come right out and say you're a moron for being confused by that, but, in this case I'll make an exception

Personally, I'd add another stanza and call it symbiosis II..keeping the advice cohesive, w/in the context of progress, I mean..

This person basically just arbitrarily chose different words and forms of words at a whim..why not make reference to classical literature, siting samples of successful phrasing from similar themes/styles?

You delicately traced the grooves of my subconscious mind w/ seven lines..and for that I say you are brilliant.

[[untitled]]

I think that you have done this well...I like the way you write....it is to the point. I am not sure that "undergo" is the right word. Is is? If this is you.........take back your power, let no one take your other....and people do fees off another's soul [essence].

[Robert Wilson]

This looks like something I'd write lol. Love the word use and imagery. Good work