no name

I can hear the soft howl in the distance. the breeze has picked up wafting through my room, carrying the sweet smell of cherry blossoms. I roll over in bed and follow the brilliant light of the moon. In the moon's pool on my floor my dog Jasper is staring intently out the window waiting for something. I get up out of bed and go to the window. I stare in to the woods drawn some how, I feel and urge to go out side. I pull on my jeans and trow on some shoes. I creep past my roommate's room. i slowly walk outside, the woods seem to call me for im no long in control of my legs. I enter the woods and walk I don't know where I'm going but I will find out. I look over to see jasper walking beside me watching me. he seems different almost human some how, his deminor changed. I could feel the wind shift, the temperature rise. The soft whispers off in to the distance drew my near. I see a faint light off in the distance dancing through the trees. I look over to see that Jasper is gone, instead feathers fluttering to the grown. I break through the woods in to a clearing full of people dancing and singing. Animals of all sorts were siting or running with the people. The music was hypnotic and the beat memorizing i could feel my body sway with the beat. I look around to see a bird change into a dog, Jasper. I stop dead in my tracks and stare at Jasper, not believing my eyes. i start to walk towards him when he changes in to a beautiful women. she was fair with rich black hair, and eyes a pure red as the blood dripping from her mouth. My heart is racing, i feel like I'm about to faint. I stagger back trying to run but my feet wont move, I trip and slam in to some thing solid. I feel arms wrap around my waist as i feel my self slip away into the darkness devour my mind. I hear voices and smell the sweet smell of cherry blossoms. I hear the voice of and angle so sweet and beautiful.
" Is she waking up she has been out for 10 minutes" my eyes flutter open to see the face of Jasper, wait no this is not Jasper i must be dreaming. i feel hands running through my hair and around my face
 

Reviews

[Jane P.]

LOVE this! I have no idea why (I mean, it's not like I go for nightly trots through the forest), but this totally evoked a weird sense of nostalgia. I really enjoyed your descriptive imagery, the sense of mystery and (I'm not sure if this was intentional), but I loved that you ended with a comma, rather than full stop. It gives the impression that the story is only just beginning to unfold. I would totally suggest expanding upon this concept, as I was half expecting Jasper to magically transform into a werewolf under the full moon. Really lovely stuff!

Just a few grammatical points:
- Make sure you start each sentence with a capital letter.
- "moons pool" should be "moon's pool" and you could even opt to capitalise the word 'moon' (if you want it to be viewed more as its name).
- Jasper must be capitalised (as it's a name).
- "i stare in to the woods drawn some how, i feel and urge to go out side" I feel like this sentence needs some more punctuation to break it up and create better flow/pace. For example, "I stare into the woods, drawn some how, I feel an urge to go outside" (I've also corrected a few things).
- "roommates" this just needs a possessive apostrophe to become "roommate's"
- "i slowly walk outside, the woods seem to call me for im no long in control of my legs." This sentence also needs to be broken up. Actually, a great technique, for creating a dramatic tone, is the concept of short, punchy sentences. This also draws your reader in and establishes a fast and edgy pace. This would be more correct, "I slowly walk outside. The woods seem to call me, for I'm now no long in control of my legs."
- "i enter the woods and walk i don't know where I'm going but i will find out." This is a little confusing, something like this would make a bit more sense, "I enter the woods and walk, well, I don't know where I'm going, but I will find out." Again, I'm essentially just adding in some commas for dramatic effect and pausing.
- "i look over to see jasper walking beside me watching me" You just need to add a comma, "I look over to see Jasper walking beside, me watching me"

Again, amazing work, and I can't wait to read more of your writing!

[jayjay]

thank you so much and this story is gonna go on farther its just where i left off thank you for all the great feed back i am just starting out on writing so this helps

[Jane P.]

Yay! I really look forward to where this story is going to progress! You really have an eye catching first paragraph.

And no problem at all, I'm actually desperately in need of improving my editing skills, so I didn't mean to harp on about grammar!
Great work, and you must message me when you add more!!

[jayjay]

i did add more

[Jane P.]

Yay! You've added more!

I'll just quickly get through grammar:
- "his deminor change" I think you mean 'demeanor' here.
- "The soft whispers off in to the distance drew my near" Should probably be, "The soft whispers, off into the distance draws, me near"
- "instead feathers fluttering to the grown" This is a little confusing, "replaced by feathers fluttering to the ground" might sound more structurally sound.
- "The music was hypnotic and the beat memorizing i could feel my body sway with the beat" You need a comma after 'memorizing' (do you mean mesmerizing?) and your 'i' must be capitalised.
- "beautiful women" Women should be 'woman'
- Your tenses also switch between past and present.
- "but my feet wont move, I trip and slam in to some thing solid" Should be a comma before 'but' and 'something' is one word.
- "into the darkness devour my mind." Darkness 'devouring' my mind.
- "and angle" should be "an angel"
- The dialogue should break away from the paragraph. Also, you might want to consider breaking up the paragraph further (when she goes outside, this could be a new p'graph, for example).

Otherwise, again very well described. You hit all sensory motors and have clearly established the setting. The only suggestion I would make would be to consider more figurative language and literary techniques. You're describing the forest, why not use some personification to make it come to life even further. What does the beat of the music sound like? You could use a simile to liken it to a drum beat, or something.

Lovely prose, and I look forward to more of your work!

[jayjay]

thank you this is just the ruff draft so when i start the next one ill fix everything you mention and thank you your helping me alot

[Jane P.]

No prob! You have a really exciting story here :)

[SquinklaPsyOps]

Sounds like a yellow princess poem, full of life and dreams and great expectations.