the fox

I've felt this before
and its been a long time
she haunts my dreams
i feel her ghost moving through me
my skin breaks out in goose flesh
my brain flooded with chemicals
like a junkie long on the wagon
and just fallen off
i haven't felt this good in years
the old nightmares of agonizing ache
the rumble in my guts
like poison in my veins
and every movement is an effort
every conversation is strained
trying not to snap and tell someone
to leave my the f**k alone
I've been under this spell before
i can smell the sting
every nerve fiber says to run
as far and as fast as i can
until i fall down in exhaustion
and bury myself in that spot
dig the dirt with my bare hands
fingernails bleeding, joints exceeding
fear has a hum when it gets that intense
i can feel the harm up against the back of my eyes

years have gone by since then
when the sun went away
and what came up the next day
was a fake representation
it gave light but it did not feel the same
i kept looking at it, scanning for flaws
it didn't look like that before
the light went out of my life
and a giant black hole opened up
and swallowed all my ideals
my dreams
and my future
joy seeped from the wound
and circled the drain
bitter and angry for nearly a decade
and all it takes is a waft of perfume
to start the thaw
how many times are we going to do this
before one of us kills ourselves
we know the outcome
we've seen the end of the movie
you cannot change time
you cannot erase the past
why would you ever try it again
why does it have to feel so right

its heavy in my lungs
love songs on play in my ears
if this goes bad on me again
how in the hell am i going to stand up
and face another redo
climbing off the rubble of ground zero
with the ringing in my ears
and walking away from the smoking hole in the ground
where my life just fell to ruins