My Life

... my pride has always been the emotion that drive everyone away ... i'm trying to make it have the opposite effect ...

I'm standing here staring at him

Watching him pack his clothes

Feeling the pain he feels with every minute that passes by

That I don't try to stop him

This isn't the first time this happened

Not the first time he's threatened to leave

Not the first time I couldn't tell him what he needed to hear

 

I wanna walk over to him

I wanna tell him I love him

Wanna put his arms around my waist

Look into his eyes, brush his lips with my fingertips

Tell him that with him I'm perfect

That what I feel is undeniable

That here with me is where he belongs

 

But instead I'm standing here screaming

Hollaring at him that if he really loved me

It wouldn't be so easy for him to simply leave

I'm shouting at him, telling him that if he cared so much

What would walking out the door prove

Like always I'm just buying time

Waiting for his mood to subside

Waiting for him to see that I get the point

 

But he just continues to pack

Shoveling all his s**t into one big bag

The pressure in the room begins to rise

I can see the vein in his neck becoming more visibe

That's a sign that he's about to blow

I'm holding nothing back now, saying whatever comes to mind

 

For a brief second it hits me

Maybe this is all it really is ... a phase

Maybe all we had was mere moments

The thought makes me even more upset

I know I should stop talking

I know I should just leave the room

I know that what I'm doing isn't a good idea at all

But this ... this feeling inside it just won't let up

 

It's as if I standing on the outside watching

Everything inside of me shouting to be quiet

But I can't ... I can't admit to the pain

Slience would only allow the pain to become real

Remaining calm would just let reality take over

And in reality I'm someone completely different

I'm someone almost without emotion

Someone with way too much pride

Someone who doesn't have the ability to shed tears

 

Tears are for the weak, the vulnerable

For people who aren't strong enough to survive

I don't know why I said what I said

Don't know what I expected

But I whispered, " I guess you really never loved me"

In a flash he had me up against the wall

 

Looking at him in is eyes, the anger was gone

The animosity vanished, Confusion, pain, curiousity, hurt

They all took it's place

Slowly he let me go

He walked over to the window without turning away from me

As his shoulders slumped over I could tell what I said cut him deeply

These were words I couldn't take back

Words said out of pain and rage

 

I wanted him to feel what he was causing me

I wanted his heart to hurt just like mine was

I wanted him to admit to the pain that I couldn't

Closing his eyes it look as if he was dreaming

Reminising about the past, reliving the good times

A huge smile spreads across his face

I could tell, he was no longer in the room with me

 

He was back in the days when evrything was right

Back when all we needed was each other

Everything else took the backseat

I envy those days now

The days when words were not needed

A mere look spoke volumes

Told each of us what we needed to hear

Told each of us that this was for real

Never once did I have to chose

Never once was it necessary for me to decide which was more important ... My pride or My heart

We had this argument before, spoke bitter words back and forth

Raged over how cold hearted I seemed at times

Nothing just ever seemed to change

 

He wanted me to act as open as I felt

To wear my heart on my sleeve

To tell him the secrets of my soul

Show him the hidden passages of my mind

He no longer wanted to hear that I couldn't or wouldn't

To him those were just mere words people spoke

Words that could easily be replaced

Opening up my eyes

I realize how much of me he couldn't claim

How much of me he knew nothing about

 

Finally I feel the need to leave, to give him some time alone

As my hand touches the door knob

He says, "I guess it really was just a phase."

Looking back my reply was simple

 "A phase makes it sound as if it'll end shortly

   what we have is forever, longer than any one word can reach."

Our eyes met, like always he had me weak in the knees

For a brief second I saw the hope return to his eyes

I spoke softly, "All I need is a little more time."

He nodded, looked away, a single tear fell from his eye

I wonder how much longer that line would last

 

 

 

 

 

Author's Note

more of a moment writing ... couldn't get over a situation i had las nite alot similar to dis ....

Reviews

[Brjden (Bridge-Den) Cre..]

BRAVO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I think this is your best and most mature write that I've read from you!! You captured it perfectly. I loved the dialogue, loved the description and it sounded soooooo real!

"But instead I'm standing here screaming
Hollaring at him that if he really loved me
It wouldn't be so easy for him to simply leave
I'm shouting at him, telling him that if he cared so much
What would walking out the door prove
Like always I'm just buying time
Waiting for his mood to subside
Waiting for him to see that I get the point"

This was great. The scene was so perfect and so poetic and my eyes moved in anticipation of the next line that followed. Great write!