Mourning and Hatred locked in my mind

Life is pain, and living free of that pain is not living.

THIS IS A RANT OF SORTS, NOT HELD IN A 'STORY' FORMAT

        Have you ever been in a state where you feel defenseless?
Everything is fine and dandy to other people, normal people or even the people closest to you can't tell that a thing is even remotely wrong with you.
You keep it in and keep it hidden, you can carry on and possibly even thrive!
No matter what goes on though, it doesn't leave you alone, you think you know what would fix it, but you aren't sure, you don't really know, if it is going to all just lift away at the completion of one thing...

        I have had one hell of an experience with my life, I went from being a super shut in child, to a slightly less shut in tween to a teen that didn't sleep at all and was, well, both a complete idiot and a jerk to my real friends. Now I'm at the point in my life where I have fixed my problem of being a jerk, I have realized who my friends really are, and I otherwise am doing considerably well in my corporeal life, but for far too long I have been blind to my real problems spiritually, or psychologically I guess. A while back - three years ago actually - I had started to write a story built around how I felt with this same problem -Mental State Of Torture- I never finished nor published that work though. I have dealt with the problem of having my entire mind being destroyed or slowly ravished by the sheer effects of my problem, the problem isn't actually that unique though. I have no true problem other than just being lonely as best as I can understand it, I have friends, some of them are even girls, and my family would by no means hold me back from pursuing my goals in life. I just feel lost and empty though, I fantasize of simply being able to have someone to hold close to me and I wish for nothing more than to be able to hug that in-existent entity that I perceive as what could fill that void. The problem is that I know it isn't that easy though.

        I know that this is the real world, and I hate the real world. The real world is a disgusting mess of grey space and nobody can see into the hearts of man and nothing is as easy as simply live and let live (as the badly made horror movie within earshot of me is proving). I have considered that the problem may be a great many things, and every one of those things has turned up either inconclusive, straight up unrelated, or un-testable.

       Let me make it damn clear to everyone reading this, If you have ever been truly lonely in this world, then you have reached the halfway milestone to this self-enthralled hell that I have built for myself. If anyone has reached this point of psychological hellscape then I truly am sorry for you and can fully empathize.

       Anyways, I have been writing this for about 3 hours now... I think, and have been plenty distracted so I don't currently remember where I was going with this anymore, I may edit it at a later date to finish this up.

For now though, If you have similar problems then I would say that anime is my release, as it shows plenty of things to clear or clutter my mind with untill I can think clearly for a short time. Books and other media may also help, everyone has their own remedies though so whatever works for you.

Author's Note

I really really hope this didn't make anyone depressed, and I'm not depressed either, just insane. Please, tell me your thoughts though.
Now, its late, and I have art to make and anime to watch.