Where My Demons Hide

Drowning in your own twisted fate, where else is there to go but yourself? Only what if that too, has been taken away?

Prologue.

 

What if I simply can’t forget you? What if all I ever wanted was to be on my own and detach myself from the world? I would be a monster. But I already am. Why can’t I accept your love? I just don’t understand why I need to see you suffer over and over to get it into my head that you really do love me. What is this wall that I’ve built around myself? The demons talk through the walls, and tell me lies I don’t want to hear. They tell me you don’t love me. Now, I just might believe them.

 

Journal Entry #346  Date: Monday, June 12, 2013

 

I wanted to oh so badly call him back. But I couldn’t will myself to. I fell for him every time I heard his voice. I would have melted at the sound of it begging for my mercy. That voice was my weakness. The last time I had called him was because he had asked me to. I didn’t let him get what he wanted. He wanted my forgiveness and trust once again. I wouldn’t allow it, of course. I couldn’t let him take over my soul like that like he had always had. Controlling my every decision and making it his own. But the feeling that I wanted to call him back was to make sure he was okay from the final blow I’d given him. It pierced his heart like a dagger; I could tell from the wavering of his voice the first time. I still crave for him. Indulging myself in all the false hopes he feeds me- all those lies. Or so that’s what the demons tell me.

My demons are my self conscious. They tell me everything that people hide, how they feel, what I feel, and they fuel the anger that burns deep within me. I’m no innocent little girl anymore. I know now, what people are like. What damage they could really do. The scars they place on people, and how easily they could cast people aside. I, I am just like those people. I am a monster. I threw everyone away just like that once I figured out they weren’t good for me. I just need someone there for me, that loves me even with all my flaws. That’s where he comes in.

He was there when no one else was. He’s still here even when I cast aside all those people. Every single one of them. I don’t really love them. I despise them. My one and only friend packed her bags and left me in the dust. We’re never going to see each other again. No longer am I going to see her smile or hear her laugh. She was the one that kept me grounded. Now… Now what do I do? I go to him. He was the best shot there was at getting the old me back. Now my demons tell me that he doesn’t love me. That he doesn’t actually care about me, all he wants to do is play with me and tare me apart. He wants to break my heart just when I fall for him. That’s what they tell me every time he was to say something as little as, “I love you”.

 

My pencil snaps because of how furiously I was writing everything down into my journal. I stop to repeat the last three words. “I love you”. I grimace in disgust. Love? Ha, yeah right. The music in the background keeping me company, has been on repeat for hours now. The song that plays now, suits the mood.

What if I can’t forget you? I’ll burn your name into my throat. I’ll be the fire that’ll catch you. What’s so good about picking up the pieces? What if I don’t even want to?

Pierce the Veil’s Caraphernelia has been the only song with the proper lyrics to make me feel like I’m not entirely alone. That maybe, just maybe, the band members have felt the same way; that their own demons hide who they are and soon later devour them one by one. Then again, they don’t know me. And Caraphernelia is just a song. They wouldn’t know how I feel like at all. I got back to my half written journal entry, and continue with a new pencil.

 

I realized that you can’t trust no one but yourself with your secrets. You can’t tell anyone anything without being judged, lied to, cheated on, betrayed, or anything in between. You can’t trust humans with such precious pieces of information. Treasures. That’s what they are, treasures that stay in your heart. You only tell those who you gave your heart to, but when that person is gone, what then? That’s what happened to me. Never again will my heart open so easily and welcoming to another person. I was stupid enough to go onto a chat room and ask people for help. I was called a fat f**k. Well, hell. Maybe I am. The only person I can trust right now, is myself.

The dangers of living is that we’re made so delicate that we’re not immune to what other people say. I believed that person who called me a fat f**k. I still believe him, even if he doesn’t know me. That, right there is the dangers to living. The words hurt more than knives ever will. I know better than anyone.

Author's Note

Wrote this earlier today. It was just an outlet of all my emotions. The ideas are all over the place. Hopefully I will take under consideration onto if I should turn it into something more than a short story.