October 30 2007

October 30 2007

 

It’s only my second week back from vacation, and already I dread each day I wake up for work. I wonder if stigmatizing myself with this lonesome job indefinitely damaged my social ability. I’ve fallen into a hole of social inadequacy.

At work, I lock myself away in a dusty stairwell, obsessed with reading and writing. I am searching my soul and the souls of authors I have never known, for answers to life that are too ethereal to grasp. I need to submerge myself in the concreteness of reality to regain a hold on life.

I need change. A positive change, not a recurring change where I lose this job and take another that is the same or worse. The thought of going back to the nine to five grind in some warehouse on the outskirts of the city, breaking my back unloading trucks all day, is a terrifying thought to me right now. I can’t live like that anymore.

And I cannot go back home, I have outgrown the small town confines. Every time I go back to Fort Erie I have profound enlightenments on just what a place like that has to offer. It’s a false comfort, blanketed by ignorance and fear of change, the unknown. The people don’t know how to enjoy the beauty that surrounds them, and that is a horrible shame.

Maybe I am the same though. Casting myself out of the circle of humanity and hiding in this dirty stairwell, or locked away in my apartment getting drunk and stoned to madness.

People, in general shy away from really getting to know each other, from knowing life. Hearts sneer, cold and suspicious and on the precipice of anxiety, holding tightly back as a tight snare of polite social etiquette.

There is a refusal to admit that all humans are the same in the big picture. Anyone of us could wake up tomorrow as someone completely different than who we are today.

You may wake up insane. You may wake up with desires so strong you cannot control yourself. The world may weigh so heavily on you, so suddenly, that all your past perceptions and beliefs will seem absolutely ridiculous.

We all struggle to reach a higher plane of thought. At least, I think and hope we do. Some people procrastinate and avoid the signs a little longer because of fear.

Some take their self-denial to the grave, perhaps emptying it out at their very last breath. I often wonder what the dying truly think and feel. To realize and accept that you will soon, sooner than you thought, cease to exist…this must carry with it an overwhelming insight and overview of all of life.

All the bonds of constrained, conventional thinking can be obliterated if we all faced the truth.

We will die. There is no second life, as we know it. We can’t keep using an alternative world as an excuse to f**k this one up.

Money is meaningless paper. Striving for it is useless and silly. When we accept this is the time woman and man will awake from this industrial slumber, start farming and living as the family we truly are.

Reviews

[Corset]

"Some take their self-denial to the grave, perhaps emptying it out at their very last breath. I often wonder what the dying truly think and feel. To realize and accept that you will soon, sooner than you thought, cease to exist…this must carry with it an overwhelming insight and overview of all of life."

I think they are mostly sad for the things they may never get to say or do while they are here, I think they think about it more.

[JC]

absolutely, the more years we have on this earth the clearer our vision, and the clearer things become the more we are aware of our mortality...damned existential nightmare it can be, or freeing...

[Corset]

I've wondered how I would feel if it was an actuality but it IS an actuality when you think about it, all the time it's possible that in the next moment anything could happen, etc guess it's one of those live in the moment poems.

[JC]

its a preachy piece by a once arrogant man sitting in a stairwell feeling hung over and righteous....

[Corset]

That's my favorite kind :)

[JC]

well then, think i'll build a pulpit tomorrow...

[Corset]

oh , I thought that was all the pounding noise I heard in the first poem..no? oh..

[JC]

ha, Touche...that's french for 'well f**k me, i been bested'

[Corset]

nah, don't be so hard on yourself hehehehehe sorry I HAD to!

[JC]

no matter my reply before i think you were just aching to say "don't be so "hard" on yourself" i like innuendo...i'm trying to think of something that's a subtle dirty in jest...firing blanks tonight i guess...

[Samuel Dickens]

I agree with and relate to much you say here. It seems to ramble a bit, but the message of returning to an honest, natural lifestyle reaches my ears just fine. People don't know how to do things anymore, and it's very frightening.

[JC]

Thanks Samuel, and you are absolutely right....

[Domi]

This is a beautiful insight to what it seems many people go through. They realize they are no longer happy with being complacent, and living a stereotypical life that is expected of them. But more often then not the people that feel this way are too scared to express it, and be judged based upon that. They end up and falling into the stereotype they feared because of their greater fear of what people will think of their true selves, and their in-depth thoughts.

[JC]

you're absolutely right Domi... how much more interesting is it to be completely honest and as ourselves...thanks for reading this oldie and providing your insight, much appreciated...

[Nikki]

love love. I think we all go through this from time to time. I understand completely I feel. :)

[JC]

thank you, I appreciate when people can relate, brings us closer when we are honest,

[Nikki]

You are welcome. Indeed it does, through the dark or light alike. We connect through our various experiences. It would be nice quite honestly, however, how blind we as a mass are.. If we'll awaken one day to it or not remains unclear. To consumed it what we have rather than what we are.. If that makes any sense.

[Kat Leila]

is this the real you? Is this the way you feel? Is it possible we were separated at birth? Reading this feels much the same as looking into my mirror.

[JC]

when we tell each other the truth, when we tear down those social walls and really get down to reality is when we relate and bond, showing us that we are all family

[Jessie MacDonald]

Your writing is very strong. You will touch many people's hearts and tear the guts out of many who are going through the same anguish. We should head back to the land and stop wasting our time doing what we were never meant to do. Keep up your writing. Very powerful.

[Matching Socks]

I love the real honest writing. I can see you sitting in that stairwell. Heck, I've done it too!
Nice job Jason.

[JC]

Thanks Ana, I'm glad you dug it.

[Angel Dubois]

very interesting. I enjoyed your writing, and through it I could picture you. It is a piece that resonates with me because I too sturggle with these thoughts. I have never put them to words though.

[MomzillaNC]

Another poetical piece of prose… I wouldn't exactly call it a poem, but you certainly have a poetical turn of phrase. You lucid create a picture… an environment that reveals itself to let us inside for a breath of space.

[Sweet_pale_cacophony]

If it was possible to sum up the enigma you and your life is, then these words here does that quite well. I guess that's why writing has so much power and beauty. Writing bares a person's soul and when the writer look back on the words that he had put down long back, he revisits his mind that was once...but now is not.

What a treasure mine you've chosen to rediscover again mon ami...