last breath

 They got the best of me...
My thoughts are driving me insane
I took too many pills
Instead of cutting my vein

I know I've hurt you
Please don't cry no more
I'm all out of pain
Soon, death will open its door

Hate me for who I was
And everything I couldn't be
I tried for so long
To just...be happy

Don't put me on life support
Don't look at me like you cared
Don't pretend you didn't see this coming
Don't be surprised that I'm no longer here

I'm all out of pain
Death was all I had left
My thoughts were overwhelming
They were the cause of my last breath

Just close your eyes
And drift away
Memories of me
Will slowly fade... 

Author's Note

i think i get all my thoughts when im at school. i have been workin on this one for a couple of weeks now and i just finished it last night while in class! i guess i have alot of shit in my head. hope you like this one.

Reviews

[Lexy]

SO-- not to be picky, but was the rhyme scheme in the first two stanzas purposeful? Anyway, I thought it was well written. Very depressing.

[neanie]

a very moving poem now added to my favs. your expression is mature- it's not s**t; it's sadly just another part of life that you are fully aware of and were able to interpret well. i like this ALOT!

[RHEA CROSLEY]

Very sad this difficult of a time. I sense you are wise to know it is worth hanging in there. Good write for clear expression.

[The Rock And Roll Cowbo..]

Oh my your words cry out on such a tragic situation... it is really is sad when people run so far out of hope they think that death is the only way out especially when it comes to a broken heart when in living is the best revenge... I must say your words are so powerful they hit me deep and that is a good thing.

[.::Cup^E^Cake*RaWr!*::.]

This is amazing!!
Seriously there have been so many times that I have felt that way!!
I love when it says "I'm all out of pain
Death was all I had left
My thoughts were overwhelming
They were the cause of my last breath"
That is totaly my fave part!!!
My Thoughts are alway overwhelming me!!
Everyday & it never goes away!!
I gave it 5 stars!!

[Christopher 'Windstorm'..]

its not the s**t in your head but the hurt thats in your heart that speaks the most out of this poem. it is both tragic and beautiful because i can also relate to the feelings of both sides of this poem the giver and the givee. well written and well displayed.

[[untitled]]

I liked the emotional content of it, and the writing was fairly smooth and well-paced. And depression is something that I understand rather well, so I can appreciate the feelings here. A very nice write!

[Michael V]

You have the Pace down, I like your situation and the way you present it, its a good start. Focus on the Pace of the Poem, this will be your foundation, mold everything around that rather than letting the story dictate the Pace...that way you move through the feelings and emotion in one fluid moment...:)
Good piece, Nice Work.

[Floydina White]

The poem was very good, and on reading some of the other critiques, I have to agree: the poem does sound a bit forced.

Sometimes, when you're writing a poem and you can't quite get what you're trying to say across, it's better to put it down for awhile and come back to it. Not only will you see it with a fresh pair of eyes, more than likely you'll get closer to what you're trying to say.

About the rhyming: I thought you had good rhymes, but the key to a good rhythm is cutting back on words.

"Don't put me on life support
Don't look at me like you cared
Don't pretend you didn't see this coming
Don't be surprised that I'm no longer here"

is the only stanza I had a problem with. the last two lines are too verbose; you can cut them down a bit and still get what you're trying to say across. The only kind of poem this would be admissible in is a free form (free write, if you will) poem, where there ARE no rules.

Just keep at it. I like to say that poems are never really done; I've gone back to poems I've written 5-6 years ago and changed anything from whole sentences to cutting out and re-writing whole stanzas.

It's a never-ending process :)

Keep writing girly.

[LostCauze[:P]]

Very Morbid, you gotta check the rhythm so the whole works flow. Keep the rhyme, just add words or take out words so you have rhythm to it. I like works that can be easily related to, to ones life. Keep writing.