074326.

I’ve always been interested in what breaks a person.  Where I am, they teach us to know exactly how to break each and every person.  Its basic physics " an object is only as strong as its weakest point.  We’re like machinery:  we could appear to be the picture of perfection, but eventually, if and when a crack appears, the right fall could cause that crack to destroy us. 

That’s exactly what he did.  He left a huge crack in each of us.  And we have no idea why.

It happened over a year ago.  He said that he’d be back in a week " had some business to take care of.  He wouldn’t let us come with him, he wouldn’t tell us why.  The next time we saw him, he was in a coffin.  Being lowered into the ground. 

Over a year ago, we were a happy group of four: Dylan " the sporty one, Erinn " the pretty, cheeky, flirty one, Marcus " the daring one and me " the one that understood the inside of every device on and off of the market.  Now there are 3, and we haven’t laughed since it happened...  We haven’t done much of anything since it happened. 

We pretend that nothing’s there " we talk, we learn, we practice and we hang out.  We pretend that it didn't affect us, but Dylan’s smile, Erinn’s laid back attitude and my need to eat seeped through the cracks that he caused.

It wasn't his time.  He was 15. 15 years old and he's gone.  He didn't even get to say a proper goodbye.  And none of us know how it happened. Because they don't want us to.

"And what did you have for breakfast this morning Savannah?"

Her face is caked in makeup. It cracks around her mouth as she talks. She’s using the same tone they all use - talking to me like I’m some little kid. I can disable a firewall in 3.6 seconds. I am not some little kid.

It’s one of the first things they teach in Interrogation and Response Tactics (IRT) " play the game.  Playing along is the only way to make it out on top.  The only way to walk away alive. 

"2 oranges, 35 grams of granola, 125ml of semi skimmed milk and a bottle of energy drink."

That’s a lie. I stared at the granola, poured the milk down the toilet, gave one orange and the drink to Erinn and the other is sitting in my bag, located underneath my current seat.  They’ve been teaching us how to perfect our stone cold expressions since First Year, so mine’s giving nothing away, however judging by the patronising expression on her face, she doesn’t believe me.    

"Ah... Savannah, you are... Coming along... impressively..."

"And you're surprised."

"No! Well... Erm... Why would you say that?"

Analysing the interrogator " studying behavioural patterns, discovering weaknesses.  Basic second year skill.

"Your pitch increased, your stance indicates disbelief and your reaction to my accusation was flustered - inferring guilt."

She looks like she's about to cry.  Out of all of them, she's going to be the one that cracks the earliest. At this rate, I'll be given my 6th counsellor within the next few days.  At this moment in time, Dr Fakeface is exhibiting multiple signs of stress, annoyance, exasperation and confusion, and she's trying to cover it all with a lipstick coated grin.

"Savannah," she’s sighed as she said my name.  She’s sick of this, "I want you to know that I am not a counsellor, I am a life helper. I am not here to analyse you, or judge you, I am simply here to make sure that you are happy. I am here for you!  So feel free to talk to me like you would any of your friends"

And there it is " the “I’m not your counsellor, I’m your friend” speech.  The speech that I hear with every new counsellor, in an attempt to make me crack.  I can decrypt a piece of software with 5 clicks of a computer mouse and a couple of algorithms - I’m not stupid. 

“Dr Danston, may I be frank?”

“Please Savannah, call me Allison!”

“Dr Danston, I’ve done this many times in the past year and if you were my ‘friend’, this wouldn’t be a mandatory appointment, and you wouldn’t be sitting with a notepad on your lap.  It’s simple:  You’re my counsellor, I’m your patient, and I have been sent here because I’ve dropped a few stones and they’re worried it’s due to psychological reasons.  But it’s not.  I’m fine.”

Crack.

“2 stone in the last 2 months is not fine, Savannah.”

Her tone has changed, it’s harsher, she’s losing her patience and it only took 14 minutes 16.3 seconds.

“You don’t know my reasons behind losing weight.  You don’t know me.”

“You’re here so I can know you!  Get to the route of your weight loss!” 

She’s shouting now, while hitting her lap.  She’s so close to tears " she’s not getting anywhere. 

Crack.

“No, I’m here because attending these sessions is the only way they’ll let me stay in the Academy”

She’s taking deep breaths, closing her eyes and counting to 10.  She wants me to leave and she’s trying to get past it.  I’ve practically broken her.

Crack. 

“Savannah.  It is common for teenage girls, especially at your age, to experience low self-esteem and feel the need to drastically change their appearance using methods such as weight loss, but-”

“Have you seen where you are?  Do you know what kind of institute this is?  If I were a normal teenage girl do you think I’d be attending this academy?  I’m not trying to change my appearance, I don’t flipping care about my appearance.  I eat when I feel like eating, I don’t when I don’t.”

Crack.  I’ve cracked away at her patience and it’s gone.  She can’t even keep up her false smile anymore.

“Savannah, I think we should continue this session another time.  You seem a little agitated, and I-”

“Don’t know what to do with me?”

She’s inhaling deeply again.  My smug expression is probably provoking it.  Good. 

“Savannah!  I know what to do with you!” ooh.  Yelling.  That was quick.  Counsellors aren’t supposed to yell, and she’s remembered that now.  The lipstick smile is back in an attempt to cover up the fact that she broke the sacred counsellor code, “I just think that it would be good for the both of us to take a little break.”

She’s so readable it’s ridiculous.  Oh well, it’s time for goodbye anyway.  Grab my bag, head to the doorway and say one final farewell to Dr IGetYou. 

“So, I trust they’ll provide me a new counsellor for my next session?”