No way back

 I ran into the bright room and when I got inside it felt like my eyes were melting right out of their sockets. I took out my yellow hat and placed it on my head to sheild me from the bright rays that were coming down from above me. I spotted the passage out of this living nightmare, across the grass.I sprinted across the grass but stumblled on a stone that appeared out of nowhere. I sat up and I could feel a trickle of blood roll down my knee, but blood wasn't going to stop me from getting immortality. I stood up and ran but not as fast as I did.

 "You're weak Jeremiah, give up!" A voice yelled in my head.

 "I'll never give up!" I yelled, as I ran inside the passageway. Inside this room there is a soft glow of blue light. It felt much better to my eyes to be here than out in that bright light. I strutted my way deeper into the room. The sides of the room are blue and smooth just like the floor. As I continued to walk deeper and closer to the source that is emitting the soft blue light, I heard a sharp scraping sound.

 "Who's there?" I asked as I pushed myself closer to the wall to avoid meeting whatever it is.

 "Hello," something said beside me. I turned around and at that very moment my life flashed before my eyes. I was smacked across the room by something I wished would never get giant. A giant spider. It moved closer and closer to me by the second. I was just lying on the ground struggling to gather my strength and get up but the spiders smack was very powerful to recover quickly from.

 "I told you, you were weak," the spider hissed. The spider still taunted me as it moved closer and closer to me. I kept trying to get up on my feet and with one final push I was able to get up and regain my balance. I looked around and noticed that there were dead bones of people who must have came here to kill the spider and failed or get immortality and also failed. I did not want to end up like those people but just as I was about to run away when the spider placed two of it's bony legs on me and pushed me down. I couldn't move because it's legs pinned me down to the ground.

 'You will now be immortal," it said. As it said that all of the skeletons across the wall stood up and walked around. At that moment I understood the spider kills the people that come but not their souls. They still live on forever!

 "Welcome to immortality!" It said and it raised it's meaty head and in the next minute I was...

Reviews

[D Kupisiewicz]

I liked the twist in this and how he heard the spider in his head before he ever saw it.
I'll share with you the most valuble advice I ever recieved (as it seems it might serve you well)
When writing; show don't tell.
For example, try 'the spider placed two of it's boney legs on me and pushed me down, pinning me to the floor.' instead of telling the audience in the next sentance, 'I couldn't move because'.
(I hope you don't take my advice the wrong way, not trying to be a snob.
David

[Meh]

Good plot! Cliff hanger at the end, but I know it can lead to a great story! It would be great if you could add more to it, and it sounds good so far. Keep up the great writing!

[mirui]

Thanks for the help and i am scared of spiders as well and It will be part of something more.

[Creepy Swine Guy]

Reviewer Disclaimer:
....................
First off, I am no expert. What I offer here is nothing more than my opinions. I'm no expert, in fact I don't even think that I ever even got an "A" in an English class. But I'll tell you what I liked and what I thought seemed a little off. I'm not trying to make myself feel important (I hate when people do that) I'm just telling you what I think. That being said, I'll go ahead and review:

Okay ... let me start out by saying that I hate you. I am a raging arachnophobic and I am going to have nightmares about giant spiders and I blame YOU.

In the line ...

" ... I was about to run away the spider placed 2 on it's legs on me and pushed me down."

I would say ... try to type numbers out and it looks like you typed "on" after the 2 when you might have wanted "of". Otherwise there were no glaring booboos.

I assume this is the beginning of something longer?