Inner Sandman

We might feel small, but we are mighty in God's eyes

My back hurts from working, and my eyes ache as I force myself to hold them open just after I fall asleep. If I were the sandman I would have collapsed on the beach already. I don't know where the parts of me are that I need to build myself back up. I'm spread too thin, and there's not enough hours in the day for me to rebuild. I want to write by myself, and just think by myself. Just to be alone and find myself would be a miracle.The thought process of a teenage boy is hard enough to comprehend the way it is, trust me, I know. Add work and worry to his plate and it's too much to take in. Sometimes I feel  like I'd love to stay alone forever, and other times I just want the world to notice me. Notice that I'm trying, notice that I can't get a grip, notice that I just can't handle the changes that life has been throwing at me non-stop. Sometimes I just want anyone to notice that my tired eyes are swollen and bloodshot, and my back is busted up from standing in wore out shoes all day. 

It's crazy that the littlest situations can have the biggest consequences. A decision that you don't think through can effect the rest of your life. Staring at the sun for a little too long can cause blindness, listening to music a little too loud can cause hearing loss, one bad decision today can cause too many unfortunate events tomorrow. I'm tired of holding back. I'm sick of being walked all over. I'm disgusted by being ignored. I'm tired, sick, and disgusted by the decisions of society. The decisions of the minority. The decisions of the majority. I'm just tired. I just want to sleep. I guess there comes a time when home doesn't feel like home. It's no more than a place to lay your head. 

Footsteps on the floor keep me awake. The door creaks and the voices travel. That's not even the worst of it. The voices that travel don't even bother me anymore. It's the voices that go no where. The voices that aren't voices at all. It's the voices in my head that won't stop rambling on as I lay my head on the damp pillow. I want these thoughts out in the air, but I keep them trapped. Even if the thoughts were out there, the atmosphere would suffocate the words, and the wind would just blow them over anyways. I guess they're thoughts for a reason. They don't leave my mouth. These words could hurt, these words could disappear. Either way, they're not important. They're irrelevant. No one cares. God, I feel so little, but I know I'm mighty.

God I know you're listening to me even though I haven't prayed. I've yelled in frustration, I've sobbed in melancholy, and laughed in happiness. God I want to live my life as if it has all been a prayer. Cage every bit of these teenage hormones and enslave them. 

But I don't deserve that. I don't deserve that comfort. God has watched me turn my back too many times. He has looked at the back of my head too many times. 

Mercy, God, mercy. Your grace, and ever changing forgiveness. Fall upon me like a sheet of the Holy Spirit, and rest there. Give me a light, some motivation. I know there's always light in a blanket of darkness. I've made my bed and I'm covered in blankets, when all I need is your sheets. I'm so good at emotionally tearing myself apart, and I'm so exhausted. Father, rebuild me, you have created me physically the way you want, give me the chance to be perfect in the spiritual and emotional ways that you expect from me. The sky is falling, and every bit of my heart tells me to leave it in your hands. My body tells me to hide from the sky. 

Father give me enough courage to jump to the sky with no hesitation. I know myself better than anyone else, and I know I deserve Hell, but you love me even when I can't love myself. Even when I want to run and hide you find me, and even when I avoid you, you find your way back into my life. I never get to be alone when I want, but I know I will never be alone. I want to be left alone, but I never want to be lonely. 

If I were a snowman, I would have melted already. I feel the world working against me and I have fallen apart. I know in a few days my creator will build me back up and I will be stronger than before. 

Hope. Even when it's lost, it remains. It's like a child's logic in "Hide N' Go Seek". Maybe if they hide in plain sight they'll never get caught, yet every time they attempt this theory, they are caught first. My eyes may be tired and bloodshot, and my back may be weary from work, my mind might be shot from the thoughts I wish to remove, but there is still hope. There's still God. There's still love. There's still life. We're not small, we are mighty. 

"Your world's not falling apart, it's falling into place" - Casting Crowns