Bad Boys for Life?

We are only in our Freshman year of high school, and have been friends since the 5th grade. 4 years may not seem like a lot, and during that time it flew by, too much like a rocket to the moon. We escalated in our faith together, our friendship escalated, and our time together escalated. That was in our prime. That was the apex of our friendship, back when things felt great and we were indestructible. I knew for a fact that you'd be my best friend forever, you were gonna be my blood brother, you were going to be my best man, and you were always going to be there for me. I knew, as a fifth grader, that my trust was going to be branded into you, whether you wanted to know everything or not, I was definitely telling you. I gave away my trust way too easily. 

It's always been weird for me. It's hard for me to remember the good times, because the bad memories seem to overcome the joyful times that I should remember. Even though there has been more good memories than bad, I always knew the day would come that you would give up. Of course I don't want this to sound like some silly love story, but that's exactly what it is. I fell in love with the friendship that we had made. Besides the birth of my niece, this is the sweetest love I had tasted. The feeling of true friendship is honestly one of the most significant feelings that one could have. The feeling to be honestly cared for. The feeling to really be someones "go to" person. 

Our first good memory. I still see the goofy laugh that I had seen and heard many times before already. Here comes the funniest face I've seen. It turns hot pink, to red, to purple. As you smile ear to ear I start to giggle, and soon that giggle turns into a laugh, and that laugh turns into an actual belly laugh. Often times when I was with you, I would laugh so hard I'd cry. I had realized what you had done in your chair, so I jump out of my seat and rush to the other side of the room, as if your odor would catch me and devour me. You used to always march at the sound of your own drum, but now you're with the "in crowd". Wearing jeans like everyone else, wearing shoes like everyone else, cursing like everyone else, being as aggressive as everyone else. Hating, like everyone else that hated me. The feeling of hatred boiled inside of me at that age, until you tore down the wall I built around myself, so I emptied my sadness and filled it with your happiness; and you did the same. Everything was right for a long time. Everything.

Last time we were together, we were in Pigeon Forge, Tennessee. Honestly, the last thing I wanted to do was see you. The actions you portrayed at that time had spoiled what we had. I couldn't look you in the eyes. My eyes burn with tears, and I convince myself it is only allergies. I rub my eyes, strap myself down, and put my hands on the wheel, frozen. My feet are on the pedals ready to race in forty degree weather. I'm mentally exhausted from the negative thoughts I am forced to have. The thoughts of the past murder the present times, and will ravage our future. I don't want to go in circles with you anymore, our friendship alone is a never ending cycle that I can't break off because your family brought me in and loved me as their own. I only wish you felt the same.    

You're always interested in going around in circles. You and I never made a right turn because you were so interested in going the opposite way, so you went left, and you left me. You leaving me forced me to leave my happiness. I've always been taught to look ahead, but what is now behind me is so convincing to look at. Every time I chased you in our little racing circle, we never leave the path we started. If you really think hard about it, the track is just the same thing over and over. We keep going through the valley we were in before. It's scary. It's cold, it's dark, and most of all, it's lonely. 

Our last good memory. October 23rd, 2015 was the last time we had a good laugh. October 23rd was the last time you were your semi-normal self. Of course you're with your girlfriend in the backseat, and I'm in the front with your mom. I remember being irritated, and doing my best to hide it. Before you I was alone, and near the end of us I felt the same loneliness all over again. We are heading to a local spook house before Halloween, and we were both a little quiet until we got in there and a scarecrow chased your girlfriend through the whole maze. We got back in the car and immediately we die laughing, we aren't sure what we are laughing about, but for 15 minutes straight we laugh so hard we cry. We get to Taco Bell, and things cool down. After a silent car ride home, I walk up the steps to my house, unknowingly, that would be the last time I felt comfortable around you. 

Near the end we made a lot of plans, that you often backed out on. We had once escaped death while on a bike ride, and I swear God had his hands on us. I promised I wouldn't tell anyone about what happened, and I will live up to my word. When you went back to school after Fall Break, I wasn't going to be there. I will be starting a new chapter of my life at a new school, and before I turned the page I wanted us to have one more big moment. I guess that was still too much to ask for. I put my 3 year old Sperry Top-Siders in my backpack along with a water and I headed out. The soles are hanging off of the bottom of the shoes A hole in the toe and the side of the right shoe, and a hole on the heel of the left. These shoes had been worn. In fact, they had been worn out. Many times I had played basketball with you in those shoes, many times we went to Taco Bell in those shoes, and many times we went to the Village Pantry in these shoes. This time I was going somewhere with these "memory-shoes" and leaving them behind. For months they dangle from a power-line above train tracks. It was a the proof that small-town Cowan was my town. It was our town. We ran that town. 

I was never really taught the lesson about how everything happens for a reason, and I'm not sure if I believe it or not. I believe God puts obstacles in our life to show us we are strong enough to conquer what we go through. I don't believe we always walk away with a lesson learned. I frequently apologize for things I have no control over, I believe when someone is hurt it's my fault. This time it isn't me, and I'd rather us ride a roller-coaster than race around a track. I'm done running in circles, I'm choosing my own path, and if you want to race me, then chase me, we can start over.