1.THE BEGINNING OF THE TIME.

1.THE BEGINNING OF THE TIME.

 

   Running... Not taking any breath. Running in the forest to the portal. For an escape from this disaster...

     Time.

   I was just a normal girl but because this thing had been borned I m not anymore. I can't stop it but i can play with it.Stories from the past tells us about the one who would rise and destroy the time. That who's called The Darkness Of Dark Ages.

    The time is made up of three main parts:

1.  Past

2.  Present

3.  Future

   

You know all these sci-fi movies were they use time machines and like that? for me I don't need a time machine. I just need faith.

If I could consentrate and have faith to go to any place in anytime. I could because nobody could do anything without faith. Faith to destory time. Faith to destroy evil. Faith to travel between time and as many as you can't imagine. As my best friend Neon, he has spells to control weather. He is going to say like rhyming words at the end of every sentence and everything would happen like magic. 

Magical. 

The thing started in a dusty day at school when I passed out. I don't know everything but Neon told me the whole story. " Janette, you're skin became grey and then you slept on the desk but when we tried to wake you up you didn't. You passed out. We called the ambulance to take you to hospital but before it it rained and the sky became stormy. Even before we knew it... The Darkness came. When I saw him passing between the paralyzed and shocked students and teachers. He was coming. Coming for you.  I carried you on my shoulders and jumped out of the low balcony. And ran with you on my shoulders to the forest to the emergency portal. I took a rest next to an oak tree until you wake up. And thanks god! You woke up. "

And then here my story begins. I... Janette Bandlie. The last member of the Bandlie family. The one who would change the plot of time. 

The one... who would change the time itself.

Author's Note

this is the 2nd version of the chapter thanks to felix. i used his review to make a better version of the chapter so please review it and tell all your opinions to make the book better

Reviews

[Cleavlnd Groves]

Great story, the idea itself looks great! However, there are a great many things wrong here. Grammar, spelling, capitalization, etc. However, seeing as you are from Egypt, I am going to go on the assumption that English is not your first language, so it is something to work on. Again, the idea is great, and it has a great deal of potential, but the structure of how Janette reveals her and Neon's powers is... Sudden. It seems as though they are sort of shoved in there.

Too long; didnt read version:
Liked: The main idea of the story, Gal who can play with time and her friend who can control the weather going out to stop the forces of evil? AWESOME.
Disliked: Grammar and spelling. I realize that English is not your primary language, and I applaud you for doing this well in writing a chapter for a book in a language that you are unfamiliar with.
Also disliked: The way her and Neon's powers were introduced. They seemed a bit shoved in. This should, in my opinion, be introduced in a way that is less random that a note with close to no pretext on anybody even HAVING powers.

Sorry for being blunt, I am just trying to help you become a better writer in any way that I can.

[Janna Badawy]

your review is much helpful for me. it was just a draft. it's not like " the going-to-be-published-version " i just wrote it so i could know people's opinion about it and how would they react to it if it's published. anyway thanks for your review. i would use your review to make a better version of it and then i would post it. thanks!

[paul sal.....]

You have a great story line to build on. Sure grammar and structure need a little work but as a sci-fi fan , the concept of visiting the Mayans intrigues me. I will buy your book when it comes out so write more chapters...........

[Cleavlnd Groves]

Oh. My. God. This is a LOT better. Again, a few small things, mainly grammar and punctuation, Otherwise... Seriously, I love this. This story shows SO much promise, it is ridiculous. I could see this on the shelves of bookstores. The grammar stuff can be fixed, plus it is nowhere NEAR as bad as it was before. I can't WAIT to see what comes next. :D

[Janna Badawy]

grammar isn't a big problem. i would show my english teacher my work and she could help me in grammar. anyway the most important thing is the story. AND THANKS!

[Cleavlnd Groves]

Okay, as for story; I've got nothing. However, there is one sentence in your second paragraph, after "Time", that doesn't make sense... The one saying that she can play with it. It doesn't make much sense because we don't really know what she is talking about playing with... That's it though. The story looks great, and I can't wait. :D

[Ren Grace]

Very intriguing, I hope you write more!